ay, August 11, 2009
your noteBetween You and John Elder RobisonJohn Elder RobisonAugust 10 at 2:34pmScott, how exactly did you believe I might help? I am a writer, and people may find solace in my ideas. However, I am not a mental health professional or doctor. What do you think you need?Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 3:49pmHi John I am glad that you are answering me. I am being treated at a mental health center for severe depression and my aspergers/autism. But the main thing they do is just continue to try different anti-depressants on me. The first thing I need from you, you're giving me right now, a chance to talk to someone that understands what I've been going through my whole life. Most people that know me don't understand or refuse to even believe that I suffer from anything. I know that when I read some of your blogs, your ideas and thoughts were the same as mine. I read on your page about you having a low period which is where I think I am at now. And I felt like maybe you could show me a way to start coming out of this. My life right now consists of taking care of my kids on a schedule due to my daughters diabetes, and trying to help them with their aspergers/autism issues plus trying to fix myself and come out of this depressive state. Each morning I wake up and wish I hadn't. Suicidal thoughts are in my mind every day, I don't know if it's from the aspergers or the anti-depressants, but it's the love for my kids and wanting to continue to take care of them that keeps me from acting on my impulses. I have always felt like an alien on this planet unsucessfully trying to relate to people. Music has always been the biggest thing in my life and going to bars and singing in front of strangers and hearing all the complements and applause after is the only time I ever feel accepted. But even then I still feel out of place and can only say thank you to them. I really don't know what I am asking you for, and right now my mind has taken a left turn again but if you have any advice or ideas, I am gonna try the son-rise program from the autism center of america for my daughter to try to get her talking. She'll be 5 in october.Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 5:40pmSo anyways, I've had some time to unscramble all the thoughts in my head and I think what I am asking you for is insight on when there have been severe lows or times of depression in your life how did you deal with it or come out of it. Also, If you have found ways of correcting some of your aspergers issues that maybe I might find useful. Any help you can give me would be most appreciated. Thanks.Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 7:12pmI guess another reason I felt connected to you is the whole music aspect. I know I have the same kind of gift as you for hearing music better than most. I can listen to songs and separate them to just hearing one part at a time. But coordination has alway been a problem for me too. I did try really hard and won several medals in high school and played in bar bands and like I said earlier I still go out to karaoke bars and sing and always manage to impress the people there. I've been asked by strangers to sing at their wedding but because of the social anxiety issues I couldn't go through with it.I have been abused by my dad and my brother, kids in school, and by two different women that I've had relationships with including my kids mom. Like you here I am almost 40 before discovering aspergers has been my problem and now I am trying to deal with the reality of that. I've always known I was different but I guess in my mind I still had hopes of turning out like everyone else. Again I think my mind is starting to wander so I will stop for now. Thank you for listening to me and any advice is appreciated.Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 9:15pmI was wondering, reading through your blogs and other info, have you found any way to stop being haunted by the past. Right now phych's have got me taking Benedryl to help me sleep. It works, but some nights I still wake up and my mind starts working and everything bad that's happened to me since age 4 starts rolling through my head. Bad experiences with family, school, jobs I've had, etc. I was born with bad knee's, I've had 4 surgeries on them, and actually need a 5th on my right knee. My career was in the casino business, I've helped open casino's in Louisiana, Michigan ( where I grew up ), and California. But now I am on disability because of my knees and raising my kids has become my full time job. I wish I could find a way to keep my mind on one track instead of several, have you found a way to do that, or don't you suffer from that issue? Time to stop again, I appologize if I am just bugging you. If you can't or don't want to help me just let me know and I'll continue my search for answers. This whole thing has kinda become an obsession of mine but I know your a busy man. Thanks again for listening John.John Elder RobisonAugust 10 at 9:18pmI too am haunted by the past at times, and I spiral down into depression as you describe. My success is moderating those things has been mixed. I wish I could offer you some quick advice, but I'm not sure there is any. For me, success cures depression, and success is damned elusive at times.Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 9:28pmI know what you mean by success being elusive. All of my life before my kids I only dreamed of playing, writing, and singing music. But I knew by my 20's that It would be an unfufilled dream because the music industry isn't just about talent, it's also about looks and performance, which I lack. Now my main dream is to figure out myself and my children and try to give them some measure of sucess in whatever talents they begin to develop. My son already is an excellent singer, but with coordination issues like me, I don't know if that will happen. My daughter show's alot of interest with playing drums and beats. Perhaps she might be a drummer. But there's still time for me to discover their talents and help to develop them. I just wish I could get out of this state of mind of just doing the daily routine and hiding from the world. Another question on my mind is I know you've had some sucess, but does money or material things mean anything to you or make you happy? I know it does alot of people, including my father ( who is also aspergian ) but I don't seem to have that joy. I only spend when I have to and don't even like shopping.Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 10:14pmI am glad that you are letting me write to you about my issues and problems. Other than my children or my father, I feel like I can tell you these things without you thinking anything strange about me. And I've never had a good relationship with my father. Since I discovered our families aspergers/autism through my son, we are more at ease with each other and I think he understands what I'm going through better than before, but we still don't hardly talk. We've had too much of a violent past. And my kids are too young to relate to my problems and I'm too busy trying to solve theirs. Anytime you want to talk to me about your problems, I'm sure I can relate and maybe we can end up helping each other through hard times or difficulties. Even if it's just questions you have about me, don't be afraid to ask. Well I've taken my pills for the night so I will stop for now. Thank you again John and I hope we can continue to talk.Scott Crawleyp.s. Have a good night!Scott CrawleyToday at 9:06amGood morning John. I read what you wrote and hope you are on your way back up. I have been saying that to family for awhile now. I keep telling them " I worry too much, but I can't help it ". I think that's one of the reasons I don't like to spend money. I have this fear that I will be broke one day and some big emergency will happen where I'll need money but not have none. This morning as I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for my children to wake up, I started to think about the title of your book to keep the other bad thought out of my head. With me it's always been " Why don't you smile Scott " or " I never see you smile " and yet I can't count the number of times in my life where I have. I do enjoy good humor, and sometimes just smile because I have an overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement running through my body that I can't even explain. But people only see us the way we are most of the time I guess. Well It's 9 am here and my kids woke up. Got to check my daughters sugar and feed them breakfast. Try to have a great day John. I'll do the same. :)Scott CrawleyToday at 10:46amI have come to believe that fear is an aspergian's/autistic's biggest enemy. I think the fear is really a survival instinct because we are smart enough from the time we are old enough to think to know that the majority of the world won't accept or tolerate us and our behaviors. But we see it more as fear of not being accepted, fear of what people will say, think, or do to us. And as we grow we realize that we have some kind of photographic memory that won't let us forget the bad things in our lives. We keep playing the video's over and over again and again in our heads. Trying to make some sense of it, thinking of ways we could have done things differently. Wondering why those people couldn't understand us, or show some compassion and understanding. The majority of us go through life, like I have up until recently, pretending to be like everyone else. Not talking about the issues that we go through out of fear of people seeing who we really are. I don't know if admitting my fears and talking about my issues to the world will help me win the battle or not. But I do see that you're fighting the same kind of war.Scott CrawleyToday at 10:56amAnother thing that I have come to believe is this thing that alot of us in the world are going through isn't any kind of disease or developmental disability. I think it is evolution. We now live in a world where people are interacting socially less and less than they were a hundred years ago. Most of us pay for our gas at the pumps, we do our shopping and communicating online. We can even work or go to school without leaving our homes. I look at my grandmother on my father's side and how she was, and my father, and then myself and my children, and can see that it's genetic. It also get's worse with every generation. But is it really getting worse? Or are we simply evolving into a more intelligent human that needs social skills less? What do you think John?Scott CrawleyToday at 12:01pmSometimes I feel like everyone on this planet is living in their own unique little world and the things that I say to them come across like a different language so they end up perceiving what I'm trying to communicate in an entirely different way and my whole point gets lost in the confusion. And yet they seem to talk to each other so easily and without effort. I don't get it.Scott CrawleyToday at 12:05pmI try to use either my singing or humor to connect with people and get them to understand and like me. Sometimes it's successful but it's like throwing darts in the dark. I think I miss more than hit. I still feel like I don't completely understand humor. I've learned alot from tv, movies, etc. I can tell alot of jokes. But at times I feel like my timing is way off. I don't know.Loading...Scott CrawleyToday at 1:50pmPeople seem to have a hard time dealing with the autistic. When I was younger my half-brother, from my mother, used to lock me in the closet every time the parents weren't around. It would send me into an instant panic-attack and I would cry, scream, kick the walls and the door but still would not be let out until it was time for my parents to get home. I guess it was easier for him than trying to put up with my issues and how I was. He has never shown any kind of love for me and yet I still have a deep brotherly love for him. There's even pic's of him and I on my facebook page. There is just something about people like us that sets alot of normal people off and they want to treat us badly. It seems to me like all we are trying to do is fit in and be accepted and loved.Scott CrawleyToday at 2:07pmMost of the time I feel like a kid trapped inside of my head trying unsuccessfully to control my actions and my interactions.John Elder RobisonToday at 2:17pmHave you ever thought of writing a blog where you could share these stories with the world? That might be a good thing for you . . .John Elder RobisonToday at 2:17pmThere are quite a few people who would find what you have shared with me interesting.John Elder RobisonToday at 2:18pmThey would talk back to you and engage in conversation, which would be good . . . You can make a blog on blogger, then link it to FAcebook you your blog entries post here. Facebook is good for short comments; blogger is the place for longer essaysScott CrawleyToday at 2:57pmI don't know. I do know that my mom is out doing some shopping for me because I still have a hard time venturing out into the world and I called her and asked her to look for your book and pick it up for me. I haven't read books since school but I'm hoping maybe there are some answers for me in there. I know I have some writing skill, but my thoughts seem to get so scrambled and my mind sometimes is on ten different tracks at the same time. And there's still that whole fear thing deep in the pit of my soul. At times I feel like I can talk to people and at other times I just stare at the screen reading what the people in michigan that I grew up with write to me, and I can't even touch the keyboard. Again, it's easier to say the things I've said to you because I know we both go through similar problems. Plus I feel like I have more skill in writing song lyrics. For example1/26/09 by Scott CrawleyLYNNSAYYou left on a cold nightI felt so aloneJust me, my guitar and this old microphoneI felt so inspired to write a love songAnd the letters in your nameWere all that wasn’t wrongL is for the love that's in your eyesY I never ever compromiseN y time you want me babe I’m yoursN y where you go forever moreS ay right now forever you’ll be mineA lways and forever for all timeY ou and me, lynnsay were meant to beAs I sang those words alone to myselfI realized you were all of my wealthSo I staggered over and picked up the phoneTold her I was wrong, and again I would’t roamChorusBridgeAs I sang those letters she criedAnd In my heart a little I diedI still love her soI still need her to knowSolochorusBut again, it just goes into my collection. I don't know. I know its the fear that keeps me from doing alot in life. And I try really hard to be strong. But it's still something that never seems to go away. It's part of me. Holding onto my soul, refusing to let go and let me live life.Scott CrawleyToday at 3:24pmMost of the time when I write song lyrics or even music, which I haven't done in years, I often picture someone else recording the song. Not because I don't like to sing and play and make music, but because on stage I can't move, or dance, or perform like musical artists do. When I sing in the bars it's easier because alot of people just stand there and sing, there's no pressure to put on a show, and so all of my feelings and emotions just pour out and people cheer. The only songs I like to sing are ballads with emotion and lyrics that I can relate to. I don't know John, maybe you're right, maybe I should put more out in blogs, but I don't know if I can. I have a hard time on facebook saying more than just jokes to try to get friends attention and every once in a while saying something about aspergers/autism and getting little or no response from them. I don't know, I just don't know.......Scott CrawleyToday at 3:49pmI went to blogger.com, signed up an account. When I got to the creating a blog that's when It all went bad. What do I name the blog? Do I use my real name? What's gonna happen when people read what I've wrote? Do I use the things I've been writing to John. How do I link any of this to facebook? Then the fear set in so I just came back to facebook and I'm writing this to you. Do you experience fears like this when you're writing or even reading what people are writing to you? I imagine you do.
posted by ScottCrawley at 4:18 PM
Scott, you are welcome to joing Raising Autism at http://www.raisingautism.co.nr/ or our Countering facebook group at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91368243169.We'll be happy to talk with you and offer you support. :-)Many of us have blogs that may have information of interest to you, and at the very least, you will know that you are not alone, that people do care and will listen.
August 11, 2009 6:05 PM
You're definitely not alone, Scott. I'll return and write more later (right now my sleepless 2-year-old needs a walk and my restless 5-year-old on the autism spectrum is finally settling down). Just know you are important and worth knowing and not the only alien walking this planet.Dawn
August 11, 2009 7:34 PM
Scott, I think you do a fine job of writing and communicating what it feels like to be Aspergian. Don't be intimidated by Blogger; it'd be a great place for you to keep a sort of diary about what you're experiencing, and would be invaluable for educating others about the struggles autistic or Aspergian folk have. But also about their skills and talents, hopes, fears, and dreams--that's very important. I think you will find you're a better communicator than you thought you were--and that you are not alone in this. Good luck to you, and I'll look for your blog. ;)
August 11, 2009 8:01 PM
Dear Scott,Starting a new blog is really unnerving. I am glad you overcame that.I couldn't read the whole blog .... I'm a little scattered at the moment .... but I'll come back and read more.We're out here, Scott. Thanks for the leg up!!
August 11, 2009 8:52 PM
Scott ~ First, I just wanted to Thank You for sharing your blog! Next, I am a Mom of a 9 yr old son with Autism. It's people like you that help me do my job - you offer insight that I've been so desperate for. My son can interact, has communication issues and wants to be social all of which are inappropriate for his age. You've inspired me beyond words - speaking of words your song/lyrics - were phenominal sp? ... I think you have talent and a voice that needs to be heard. I also believe you will be amazed by the welcome that so many parents, professionals and your ASD peers would be grateful for!! Bring it on! Thanks again
August 11, 2009 9:37 PM
Mark Holmes said...
Sometimes talking through your fears is the best way to overcome them. A blog is a good way to do that; blog about what you're worried about, what's stressing you out, and discuss with people. Educate the general public about what an Aspergian (Aspie) goes through, and you may find a sense of satisfaction via helping others. If you're worried that you're not normal, or if a thought's totally off the deep end, talk to a group of people to get their input, then you can make your own decision on whether green Jello really goes well with parmesan cheese. Therapists are professionally trained and most of the time their advice is the best for your particular case, as they've had the most direct contact with you. But there's no substitute for a group of friends that know you, telling you that, for example, green Jello does in fact go better with cheddar.Keep blogging, we'll keep responding. Know that no matter how bad your life gets, it will always get better - like a sound wave, it's got ups and downs. Over time your volume will increase and when you recover from the lows, one day you'll realize you're higher than you were a few months back. It takes time, but it's worth the effort.
August 11, 2009 9:45 PM
Sustenance Scout said...
Hi Scott, I'm so impressed by your willingness to share all this and know you'll be encouraged and inspired by much of the feedback you receive via your blog. The blogosphere can be a wonderful place! Keep writing!
August 12, 2009 7:48 AM
Penny Williams said...
Scott, I am not autistic nor are my children. My son was diagnosed with ADHD nearly a year ago. Before his diagnosis, when I knew there was a problem but hadn't yet discovered it, I started a blog. I can type faster than I can write by hand and I knew getting my thoughts down would be cathartic. Getting them out also meant that they would not spin around in my head and gain anxious momentum as much. It really was "getting them out." I also hoped that people with similar experiences would read my blog and leave comments with tidbits of advice from someone who's been there. What I found was that there are so many people going through very similar trials and joy. They have provided some great advice through my blog but they have also provided such comfort just knowing they are there. And now, after nearly a year of blogging about raising my ADHD son, I have moms almost daily saying they are about to embark on this same journey and are so encouraged to know they are not alone. So, all of that said, I HIGHLY recommend blogging. It will help you in many ways, and it will help others too. It doesn't matter if you are a "good" writer, that's all subjective anyhow. I found reading John's book, despite not having autism in my family, helped me relate to my "differently-abled" son in new ways. I could imagine the reasoning behind some of his quirks.Good luck to you, Scott. Keep writing and we'll keep reading and supporting you!
August 12, 2009 8:07 AM
Kathleen Walling said...
Scott, I have read many blogs on a variety of topics and many, many books and while I do not consider myself to be an expert, I do know that I am intelligent and educated. I know what I like and what keeps me interested (and believe me, it takes a lot to achieve that status :0). I see the world on a whole different level also and find 99% of the blogs I have read a complete bore. To me, they are the same old information, the same old concept that has been twisted and manipulated into sounding like a new and fresh idea. That is until I stumbled across John Elder Robison and now YOU!In my opinion, YOU and YOUR THOUGHTS could NEVER be deemed as just another useless blog contributing the much of the useless information on the web (my opinion) and I hope you never feel that way. Be proud and excited that YOU give a voice to what many are struggling to convey.I will most definitely be bookmarking your blog and am very much look forward to what you have to say.Warmest Regards,
The Next Day
Scott CrawleyToday at 8:21amGood Morning John. I hope things are good with you. I didn't sleep well last night at all. After I posted the blog yesterday I got a few warm responses from people that I'm sure are familiar with you and your work. That did make me feel good and a little more accepted in this world. But still the response from the people that know me was the same. Not quite what I needed to hear. I got some " that's cool " and a few jokes and one of my friends even sent me something on dating books??? It's that speaking another language thing again or they can't hear or understand what I'm trying to say. And this guy, his name is Shannon, has known me most of my life, and we recently had a discussion on if I had a girlfriend now or not. I told him right now my feelings towards women are very different than what they used to be. When I was younger, I was never comfortable around guys. They acted different than me. They thought different than me. Women and girls in my mind were more compassionate, understanding, and full of love. So I gravitated towards the female species and would open up more around them. That caused me to be molested several times by several different women and girls in my youth. This is one of the key reasons I am very, very protective of my two children. I don't trust most men or women to be around them. To me it seems like there's something about the autistic when they are young that fascinates people and draws out predators. Growing up was the same, I could still relate to women better, but I would only date girls who would make a move on me or flat out tell me they were interested. Girls that were more in control. Girls that would take charge. I'm sure the reason for this is the molestation in my youth. I've known other girls and guys who have been molested, and they seem to be the same way. Their sex lives seem to be the most satisfying to them when they feel like they're being abused again. And I am the same way. Now I am 40, have been in 2 abusive relationships, both physical and mental, and my whole outlook on women is shattered. I don't think about sex anymore, which shannon has been told, but yet still can't understand. My life has given me the opinion that women really aren't any different than men. They too, seem to be out for what they want and need, and they are in touch with their feelings more, but not when it comes to other people, only themselves. So there I am last night up and down and thoughts rolling through my head. My feelings were hurt. I just wanted to be accepted by those who have known me most of my life. I hoped if they would read my blog maybe it would give them a better understanding of what I've discovered, what I am going through. That's all I am still after from the world. Acceptance, understanding, and love. Is that so much to ask?John Elder RobisonToday at 8:41amWriting a blog is going to introduce you to new people, some of whom will be compassionate and understanding, as you see.However, there is no reason to think your real-life acquaintances will see you any differently just because you wrote a blog. Don't expect any changes there as a result of blogging or writing.It sounds like you might benefit from a new circle of people, and the Internet may help you find that. Online communication places autistic people on a much more equal footing.Scott CrawleyToday at 8:53amI am starting to see that. Thanks for showing me the way to a new outlet for my thoughts and feelings John. I am very appreciative. As far as my acquaintances, I don't think I'm trying to get them to look at me differently. I am just trying to open their minds to the concept that there's more to me than they've known. I want them to understand when they hear me say or see me do something, instead of just thinking where did that come from, or why's he acting like that, they will realize it's just part of me being an aspergian. I can see at times when I am communicating with them, that they don't understand, or think I'm weird, even over the internet it seems like I am paying attention to how others are reacting to me. Part of my fear and insecurity I guess.John Elder RobisonToday at 8:58amNot everyone will be open to revising their views of you. There is not much you can do but accept that many people's minds are kind of closed. Also, as you point out, people have their own agendas which may conflict with yours.Still, the world is big and there are plenty of people who ARE ready to accept and understand you. You just have to find them, and I believe the Internet can help facilitate that.The more you write, and the more people read you, the wider the circle of people that will accept you in the way you wish to be understood.Scott CrawleyToday at 5:58pmHey John. I hope your day's been good. Mines been about the same. I am starting to realize that the only way I can write and communicate my feelings at the moment is to write to you. I know it's the connection I feel to what I've learned about you and your life, the video's and blogs. I too feel like you that when I meet or see someone else with AS, I can recognize it. I've struggled all day to venture out into the world, but to no avail. So far my fear is still winning that battle. I really do want to come out of this state that I'm in, my head constantly full of storm clouds, even compliments seem to take on the shape of " Well they understand what I'm trying to say, but they still think I'm whining and complaining instead of just accepting who I am and joining the world " inside of my head. I keep telling myself " Look at these people Scott! They are suffering just like you. Their lives haven't been any easier. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and just do what you've got to do " but instead of my voice, it's my fathers I hear. Why can I write to you and express all of this, but can't make it clear to anyone else? And is it really helping me to express all of my feelings and emotions this way, or is it hurting me, and in a way hurting you too. That's not what I want. Nor do I want attention for myself. I just want life to mean more to me than what it does right now. I want to feel like I have some kind of greater purpose. I don't know.I do know that I've been thinking about those song lyrics I shared with you and the world in my blog. Ever since I wrote them I had the thought in my head that I would like John Bon Jovi to put music to those words. I don't know if you can reach him through any of your connections, but if you can I would like him to read the lyrics and tell me what he thinks. I am not looking for anything for myself, as a matter of fact my thoughts have been to have any money the song makes go to charities for autism and juvenile diabetes. Maybe making some kind of contribution to the world will help me. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just dreaming. But do any of us ever stop doing that? I think not.John Elder RobisonToday at 6:01pmI'm afraid you greatly overestimate my power to reach other people. I have no connection to Bon Jovi at all.At the same time, I think you underestimate the ability of some of those who commented on your blog to understand you. Click their names, follow back to their blogs, read and leave comments. That is how you establish a dialogue.Scott CrawleyToday at 6:07pmI will take your advice again my friend, and see where that leads me. Sooner or later it all has to make sense, doesn't it? And who knows, maybe one day you'll run across someone who has that connection or you'll run across John himself. I don't know. Like I said it was just a thought of mine and I have alot of those. Too many sometimes. Well I am going to read some other blogs now. I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks.
Haunted by the Past
As I lie here in my bed, desperately trying to clear my mind, to silence it, to rest. Again, as with most nights, I am haunted by my past. Chills run over every inch of my body, my soul feels anxious and alert. I want to just stand up in my mind and scream at myself, " Relax! Calm Down! Go to sleep! " The video's continue to run in my mind, in order it seems. First of early days, and simpler dreams. They still cause me fear and make me feel cold. But I can handle them, their pain is very old. As my torment continues, I toss and I turn. All of these memories, I want so bad to burn. Sleep is so eluding, and now I am back in school. With kids I admire, with kids who were cool. They never saw me, like I tried to convey. I would fail and get picked on, day after day. Sweat is beading up on the top of my brow. I am seeing and hearing my fathers words now. " Don't talk back!" was what he would say. He would never answer my questions, not one single day. If I would pursue, trying to learn what was right, he didn't want to answer, he just wanted to fight. I breath heavy and sigh, trying to quiet my head. Still tossin, and turning, messing up the bed. Most jobs weren't any better, and I've had alot. Most wouldn't accept this man named Scott. Other's would advance, I'd be left behind. " Why did that happen to me? " keeps running through my mind. I look at the clock, it's five a.m. I think to myself, " Another sleepless night again!" Aspergers, I know now, is why this happens to me. But I can't fix it, I just have to let it be.
posted by ScottCrawley at 8:27 AM
Who am I ?
Who is this person staring into this screen. I really don't know, do you know what I mean? In my depression my creativity flows. I am crying out for attention, and the whole world knows. I want so much to be accepted and loved. Out in the world I get abused and shoved. Forever it seems I've hidden myself from life. Living as an outcast on the edge of a knife. I get some to listen and some empathy. Some say they're my friends and some people agree. But in the real world they'd see a different man. One who hardly talks, one they can't understand. Even writing these words I'm sure some will take me wrong. It's so hard everyday to feel like I belong. So I clammer for attention just like a little kid. Hey, can you see me, can you see what I did. Please love me, please hold me, make me feel alright. Don't leave me alone to fade into the night. I don't want your money, your possessions or property. I just want the world to accept and love me. Why can't I express this when I come face to face. My breath goes away, and my thoughts just erase. My words start to studder and I stare at the ground. Oh look! A different person you've found. Only with those who are close, or with this cold bright screen, can I truely express myself. Do you know what I mean? If these words have touched you, and you want to show me love. Spread the word, tell your friends, so less aspies will get shoved.
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:36 PM
I'm remembering lines from a poem I wrote in high school, though I can't recall even close to the whole thing: "Countless faces stare at meVoice telling me I'm good, bad, different...this poem has no sense, it's just as it isit is myself on paper"Though I'm much less self-conscious and awkward than I was half a life-time ago and have discovered many friends I love and value deeply, I still encounter those feelings and thoughts from time to time, still feel socially awkward around people I don't know well or who live life on what I consider a surface level. This is especially true for me in party situations. Writing, though, has always been a place where I can communicate the best, creatively and with other people and in making sense out of life for myself. Eight times out of ten, I would rather write to somebody than talk on the phone, though if I've found somebody I really connect with and trust, face to face conversation is exhilirating. It can be strange, though, can't it to be so articulate in writing but get tongue-tied speaking? And to feel frustrated that you're not able to communicate the richness of who you are in certain contexts.
August 13, 2009 3:16 PM
Scott .... Dawn ... thank you so much!
August 13, 2009 7:44 PM
August 13, 2009
What is this life about?
I look at the world today and I wonder, "What is this life about?" Does everyone really have to live the way they are living? It seems to me that more people out there are doing what they're doing for money and no other reason. Why? I think about it and the world starts to look like some kind of big money machine. People are hypnotized into believing if the have better and newer things it will satisfy them and make them happy. But it doesn't. People think if the have bigger and more expensive cars or houses they will be more important. But they're not. People put themselves way over their heads in debt for things they don't really need. Think about where the money goes. The government prints it. People work for it. Then they spend it. Taxes here and there. It all goes right back where it started from. We are preoccupied our whole lives with trying to win a game with no end and no winners. We could throw the whole system away and start over and it would be better for everyone. Every kind of job that is needed someone likes to do. It's not a job to them. It's enjoyment. Any job out there that no one likes could just be forgotten about. How many people work in factories making some kind of cute stuffed animals or other useless things that nobody really needs. How many different kinds of cars need to be made. Who really needs on worth one hundred thousand or more? Again it's just a status symbol to say "I am better than you!" Does any of it matter? I am good at writing, good at making music and singing, good at cooking and other things that I would be willing to share with people in my community if they lived the same way. I know some of you are saying "That sounds like Communism!" If you think about it the idea of true communism or socialism is not a bad thing. A whole community working together to take care of each other and everyone doing what they love is not a bad idea. Look at the words community and communism. It's when you put people in charge that want more than the common man that it becomes a bad idea. Does any of us really think that God wants us to live this way. Robbing and killing each other over some printed pieces of paper? I don't think so. Think about the words in the bible about not eating from the tree of knowledge or you will die. We are still doing that. The more answers scientist seek out, the more diseases pop up. People think they have to have the answers to everything and we don't. We just have to live and love each other. Now I am not saying I am perfect, I am far from it. I'm not even saying I'm right. These are just my opinions and something to think about.
posted by ScottCrawley at 4:40 PM
Wouldn't it be nice?
August 13, 2009 7:41 PM
Today's a hard one for me to handle!
I wake up with the usual dizziness, massive headache, completely sick feeling that these anti-depressants cause. Try to follow my usual morning routine of dressing the kids, checking my daughters sugar and giving her shots, fixing their breakfast and getting myself a cup of coffee so I can relax and try to deal with the way I feel.......but not today. Today it's mass confusion!First of all, I don't know how much anyone knows about my situation, but a few weeks ago, after 20 some odd years on my own, and due to my seriously deep state of depression, I moved to my parents property. It's a smaller place the kid's and I are in now. It's a newer, two story barn that was nothing more than a garage and storage area that I had converted into a house. There's a living room and kitchen area downstairs, and the upstairs is converted into two bedrooms for the kids. It's been hard enough trying to get used to a new routine. Waking up every morning and walking my kids out of the barn, across the driveway and into my parents house so the 3 of us can use the bathroom, get out of our p.j.'s etc.Well, because of the move, and having too many possessions, my parents are having a yard sale. So we stumble out of the barn this morning to all kinds of extra people, some that know us, some extended family members, and strangers here to buy things. The not normal routine is enough to send all 3 of us into panic attacks etc, but I try to stay calm. My daughter goes into hysterics as some of her older toys are being taken away by someone, my son is distracted from even wanting to eat with all of the noise and confusion. I want so bad just to scream at everyone "Go away! Leave us alone!"But I just try to make the best of it and go on with doing what I have to do. It's strange to me how here on the Internet I want as much interaction as I can get. The more people that talk to me the better. But here in the real world I would rather be left alone. Wondering what all these extra people here think of me, the extra strange feelings coursing through my veins and soul. Being worried about how all of this is affecting my kids and if this will bother them years down the road. Wondering if they will understand the jokes, and attention these extra people are giving them, if they will know that no one here is trying to hurt them or make them feel bad. As a kid when I was in a situation like this, with extra people around, I took everything anyone said to me as serious and truthful. Extended family would pick and say cute things, but to me it was harmful and embarrassing. Are my children going through these same feelings now? I will do my best to deal with everything today, and it's hard for me to let go of possessions that have been with us for so long. I just have to keep telling myself " It will all be o.k.!" My son isn't making eye contact with anyone but me. My daughter's off hiding by herself. I ask my son, "Can you look Aunt Angie in the eye?" He is unable to. Unlike me who most of the time keeps his feelings locked in around people, my son expresses everything he is feeling to everyone. A result of me raising him to understand his aspergers perhaps? He will say or do something cute and people will react as they normally do around children, they will laugh. He will shout out, "Stop laughing at me!" Again, as I've had to do many times in the past, I will have to explain to him that they are not laughing at him, they just think he's a cute, adorable little boy. I know it doesn't take away all the bad feelings that he's experiencing. But I hope it helps. I'm also trying to reach as many people as possible hoping that my writings might help them with the aspergians in their lives. Please help me by spreading the word to your friends. Thanks.
posted by ScottCrawley at 10:31 AM
Pretending to be members of the media :)
All of my life I've been into music. Lived it, loved it. I've played several instruments even though coordination issue's tried to stop me. I can listen to a song and dissect it to hear any one part I want to. I can hear mistakes that are made in mixing or recording and find joy in that. It makes the music more human and real. When I was a teenager I was into the whole concert scene big time. I loved attending concerts and even though I normally don't like loud noises or bright lights, I loved getting as close to the stage as possible. Sometimes me and my life long best friend Charlie would end up right by huge amplifiers with the sound waves from the bass thumping against our chests and trying to knock us over. But after awhile that didn't seem to be enough for either one of us. The front row wasn't good enough. We wanted to be closer. At the time I was studying and working with graphic arts. Charlie was into the same field at that time so we decided to publish a fake magazine. With this fake magazine we figured we could convince the right people to grant us things we were after. We were right. It took a few weeks of planning and work, but the print turned out to be believable, and we were in communication with executives from several record companies already being granted free tickets, backstage passes, and photo passes to get closer to the action than we've ever been before. It was a fantastic, exciting experience for the both of us. On a few occassions I would be snapping pictures of a famous musician while Charlie interviewed them just to ask questions he wanted to know. We seemed to have no trouble convincing anyone we worked at a music magazine. I guess if we really wanted to, we could've turned the lie into a reality. I'm sure there are some exec's out there who think that Leslie Teen Scene still exists. I'm sure if we wanted to, we could do it still today. Ah, being young is wonderful. The world is still new and exciting. I wish it was that way to me now.
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:31 PM
Wow to be young again... That took me back a long long time. Thanks Scott I needed that today.Charlie
August 14, 2009 3:38 PM
A mothers love.....and lack of
I was online, like I seem to be more and more lately, looking for words, comments, jokes, or whatever I can find from people to help me to feel better and feel more like I belong. I was overjoyed to find a comment on John Elder Robison's facebook page about my writing. It made me feel special. It made me feel like I'm finally getting through to people. They understand me and appreciate my mind! Here is the comment.Kathleen Wermann WallingI absolutely LOVE Scott's inner thoughts and his brilliant mindset. What I found most fascinating is how he posed the question of whether or not we are "simply evolving into a more intelligent human that needs social skills less" based on integrating the internet into our lives. Now I am TOTALLY convinced I am ahead of my time!!! :0)Now this is a stranger, who to me in my mind is showing me love and acceptance. Again I felt like a little kid and was so excited I had to jump up out of my chair, which isn't easy with bad knees, and go to my mom to get her to come see what someone had said about my writing. Like any child, I just wanted her approval, her love, and most of all her to tell me "That is fantastic! You are doing such a wonderful job!" Instead of that though, as she is walking towards the computer room, the phone rings. It's a friend of hers that she already talked to today about the usual things going on in their lives. It's been more than a half an hour since she told me, "I'll come back and read it when I'm done on the phone." But she won't. She'll forget. She tried to read the above comment while she was on the phone but her mind was on what her friend was saying and that was more important to her then something her son wanted her to read. It's always been this way with her. She loves me, I know she does. But when I was playing in bands, instead of hearing compliments and encouragement, I would only receive constructive criticism from her on how I could do things better or wouldn't receive anything back at all. I shouldn't let things like this bother me, but they do and I can't help it. Again I'm sure it's my aspergers. All my life it seems that whatever is important to me doesn't matter to her and other people matter more to her than I do. I know she's never understood me. I know she'll never understand her grandchildren. I just hope they receive more from her than I have. Pehaps if I let her read this post it will help. Maybe it will only hurt her feelings which I don't want to do. Like I said, She's been off the phone about ten minutes and hasn't asked to read that comment. Again her child doesn't get the attention he so desperately wants and needs. He will continue to seek it elsewhere, from strangers on the net, out there..........
posted by ScottCrawley at 2:55 PM
Kathleen Walling said...
Well thank you very much for appreciating my thoughts! Oh, and from a Mother's perspective (mine) and I am quite sure the many other Moms/Dads who read what you have to say will agree with me when I say: What you are doing is fantastic! "You are doing such a wonderful job!" and you are, be proud of that. Have a great weekend!! :0)
August 14, 2009 9:18 PM
John Elder Robison said...
You can't choose your mother. You just get assigned one.
August 15, 2009 7:25 PM
If I live just one more day
If I live just one more day will all of my pain slowly fade away? Should I continue to do daily deeds and still get no answer to all of my needs. Will anyone miss me if I should go besides my children who need me to grow. I want so badly to turn to dust and yet I continue to do what I must. Is there love for me anywhere in this life enough to make me put down this knife. Who I wonder would cry if I leave would anyone besides my children grieve. At night in this troubled mind of mine I wish to close my eyes for the very last time. I'm sure if I left they both would be ok and memories of me would fade day after day. My love for them is stronger than my desire to live so I will go on and continue to give. I will live just one more day at least and hope one day soon I will be at peace.
posted by ScottCrawley at 5:44 PM
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Wrestling with my suicidal impulses
Last night was incredibly hard. I had to really concentrate and focus on my children just to keep from ending it all. I am still not sure if these extreme thoughts and feelings are a side effect of the anti-depressants I am on, if it's a result of the deep state of depression I am in, or if it is simply part of my Aspergers. I can remember when I was young and any little thing would go wrong I felt an impulse to destroy myself because I felt defective. My son used to bang his head so hard on the floor that he would have baseball sized goose eggs on his forehead. My daughter will slap and hit herself or even bite herself hard enough to bleed. She will do incredibly dangerous stunt for a thrill without worrying about her own safety. I was the same way as a teenager. Jumping on and off of moving trains, climbing to the top of bridges and walking out on support wires, even hopping out of my own car while it was going down the road and running over my own foot! The other people in the car were quite alarmed. So I really can't tell where these thoughts and impulses are coming from I just know it is an extremely hard struggle I am going through. Most of the time I simply don't want to exist anymore. There doesn't seem to be any joy in life anymore outside of my children. I have zero sexual thought or impulses, food is just something to fill my stomach, I don't even care what it is anymore. I haven't went out into the world in weeks and when I do it's usually due to some kind of appointment like with the phychs. When it's quiet my mind will start to focus on the question of if there is anything after death. I will start to have a debate inside of my own head between the side of me that still has faith in god, and the other side of me that thinks we are all just animals and when we're dead, we're just dead. Sometimes it seems I can really feel gods love and guidance, and other times I look at the world and see these overly sexed, possessive, half crazy animals running around only thinking about their own wants and desires. Then thoughts start to run through my head, why am I still here, why don't I just leave. What's the point to all of this. You're children will be fine. Life goes on for everyone until it's over and then we're all better off. After hours and hours of all of this self torture, I look at myself in the mirror and scream inside of my own head, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" I'm still searching for that answer. But I don't think I will ever find it.
posted by ScottCrawley at 10:03 AM
Scott, this post really hit me hard. I've had a lifelong struggle with suicidal impulses. I know the "any little thing would go wrong I felt an impulse to destroy myself" feeling too well. I've had 2 failed suicide attempts (overdoses), and have been hospitalized a handful of times. Things feel better since I learned of Asperger's last year (I'm 36)...suddenly I don't feel like I'm "just plain defective." I have something that many other people have "wrong" with them too. But I have problems with deep depressions and occasional mild mania. I am scared to death that one of my depressions will hit and make me suicidal again. Feeling like a broken soul is hard on an average day, but when a depression kicks in, it can be fatal. Even when I get racey I can become suicidal. It's weird. Strange. Hard.I dunno....I don't have any advice or anything of any real substance to say,...I just wanted to let you know your post impacted me.
August 15, 2009 11:50 AM
Scott,I feel the same as you. What is life about anyway? It seems that everyone is in it for themselves and don't give a damn about anybody but themselves. There is dissension in families and the more techologically advanced we get the more we care less about the feelings of others. Maybe it's a 40 thing, as I'm turning 40 in October, but I too question if there is really life after death or maybe we are just a higher order of animals since we show the animalisitc nature in a "civilized" society....Thank you for your thoughts!! I created a blog too! Challenges of an Aspergian mom. My oldest son has Aspergers and I think my brother (who passed in 2006) had it as well!! I do think, however, that our happiness in the next life, is directly related to what we learn in this life. I think if we prematurely end our own life here, we will directly affect our happiness in the next life.Take Care, One of your followers,Laura Hafner
August 15, 2009 3:34 PM
Saturday, August 15, 2009
My view of women in the world
I really don't know if I am the way I am because of my Aspergers. I just know in this aspect I have always been different than normal guys. I have never thought like them, never acted like them. I have always been more like a woman. Wearing my heart on my sleeve, showing my emotions, loving and caring for my children the way a mom does, I've even been abused by partners just like women. Most men that meet me see me as something different and not like the normal guys they're used to. I've even been looked at as gay on several occasions, but I know that I'm not. I have always been attracted to the soul of a woman more than her looks. As a boy, like my son now, I would be considered a flirt because I would express to women that I felt had a loving, caring soul that I liked them and I wanted love and attention from them. These thoughts and needs were never in a sexual nature, but are the reason I'm sure that I was molested on several occasions by women and girls when I was younger. I now worry seeing my son follow the same path as me, wanting and needing that feminine love and attention that he never gets from his mother. I just hope no predatory women come across his path when I'm not there to look out for him and protect him. Growing up as a teenager in the dating world I am sure I confused many girls. They would show interest in me and I would show interest back, but our idea's on sex were entirely different. They expected me to be like any other guy and try to get what they expected me to want. When it seemed to them that I didn't want sex with them they would lose interest in me and move on to the next guy. I have always had the view that sex is supposed to be shared between two people that truly love and care about each other. So I was waiting for that right, perfectly romantic moment so we could have that bond and spend the rest of our lives together. They didn't understand my way of thinking because I kept it to myself like I did most of my feelings back then. All of my sexual experiences in my life have meant more to me than the girls I've experienced it with. It took years of pain and heartache for me to realize that most of us out there only love someone as long as it is good for us and making us happy. This is probably the norm and I am the oddball in my thinking. But I have always put more of my heart into my relationships than my partners and it's hurt me time and time again. Always trying to make sure they are happy so they won't go away and leave me all alone. Making heart shaped pancakes and eggs, serving it to them in bed, or cute handmade cards showing my love. I never thought of love as the more I spent, the more I loved. To me that's just another piece of propaganda put out by our society to keep the money machine rolling and all of the slaves working, spending, buying, etc. Valentine's, sweetest, etc. Time to go buy another cute stuffed animal that will be forgotten in a week. I've always been more of a romantic, spur of the moment, hey...guess what...I LOVE YOU kind of person. It seems to me that women got their equal rights and lost so much more. If I had a time machine I would travel at least one hundred years back if not more and marry a woman back then. No she didn't have the right to vote or work the same jobs as men, but she was respected, treated like a lady and she acted like one. Doors were opened for her. Men would stand when she came to the table. One man seemed to be enough for any woman back then. Most women in this day act as bad as men do and I don't find any kind of attraction in that. Now it's date as many guys as you can, use sex to get what you want, or even hey, he's cute, I want to have sex with him! I don't know, I am sorry ladies if I am offending you, especially if you're different than the norm like me. But you know that what I'm saying is true about the majority of women today. They are just as cold, cruel, and self-centered as most men are. It's taken me forty years to figure this out, and with all the abuse and heartache I've been put through I don't know if I'll ever have a relationship again. At least not a good one. Already there is a fourteen year old neighbor girl that likes to play with my son. It makes me nervous. He just turning eight this month. I have to keep a close eye on that. I know he likes the attention, but he could end up having a bad experience that haunts him years down the road. Am I being overprotective, maybe. But what parent wouldn't be.
posted by ScottCrawley at 4:17 PM
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Fear is the biggest part of an aspergians/autistics soul. Fear of being discovered for who we really are. Fear of the world not accepting us, or wanting to destroy us because of our differences. Fear of the feeling of embarrassment, that can cause us to freeze and not function for minutes, which to us seems like hours. Often when we do speak we studder our words or pause out of fear. So many have such an overwhelming fear inside of them that they can't even speak. At least around others. And some not at all. Hiding inside of our heads where it's safe. This is more true of traditional autistic people as aspergians have the tendency to speak out more, sometimes to our own downfall. Sometimes we can't convey what we are trying to express and we end up looking foolish to everyone. Other times we seem like we are odd, strange geniuses and people are impressed with us. Some just see us as normal like everyone else. But yet we still have our fears. Fear of being alone, fear of trying something new. Yes everyone autistic and normal feels fears many times in their lives. Fear of speaking to a teacher or a boss. But normal people don't have panic and anxiety attacks from a normal meeting with someone of authority. They might be nervous to some extent, but they have no idea of the shaking, sweating, pulse quickening, the ringing in our ears, head down, just concentrating on what is happening in our bodies and not even hearing what the other person is saying to us. Fear never leaves the autistic. The feelings are so much more intense. You can see that fear is the biggest part of our lives when we can't look you in the eye. When we're afraid to socialize. Afraid to join your world. Because ours is safer. There are many feelings that humans deal with every day. But the autistic/aspergians out there have a harder time letting go. Forgetting, and moving on. Little things to everyone else are huge to us. And fear is #1.
posted by ScottCrawley at 8:32 PM
Scott,My brother passed away in 2006 and I know he was Aspergian. I always knew he was different but we could never put our finger on it. After I discovered and my son was diagnosed with Aspergers, I know that my brother as wella as my father had/has Aspergers. My dad lives a life of constant fear and he too is on anti-depressants and my brother also had fear. I wonder if I also have a touch of Aspergers. When I met John Robison when he came to Buffalo, he commented that I might have a story to tell as he can see the look in my face I suspect. I can relate to so much on what you describe especially the fear that you have in talking to authority figures. I too get the sweaty palms and shaky hands and flushed face....I wonder am I Aspergian too? It would explain a lot for me.
August 16, 2009 6:20 AM
Our world IS safer.Would I rather do things alone? Absolutely not. I ache all the time for relationships with my kids that others seem to have, to have friendships, company ..... just to be able to go be with others if I want.However, it is safer to retreat and 9 times out of 10, fear/anxiety is the deciding factor. I get exhausted just making the decision.
August 16, 2009 9:02 PM
Saturday, August 15, 2009
My school days tormentor
I'm sure that many, if not all of us have episodes where we get bullied or picked on in school. Some of us have tormentors that seem to gain great joy out of torturing us every day. With me it was a kid named Carl. Carl always enjoyed putting me through some kind of torment. It could be something as simple as walking by me in the hall and punching me in the stomach. Often it could be more elaborate by using my autistic naivety to convince me to say or do something that would end up making me look foolish to others in the class so they all could get a good laugh and he would look cool. He was a popular boy in our class. He had a lot of friends. I on the other hand with my autistic ways and nature wasn't a very popular kid. I didn't have many friends in my class. Even though I was constantly picked on by my tormentor, I still had a longing for his acceptance and friendship. He could see no matter how mean he was to me that I looked up to him and wanted his friendship. He could see I was naive. So he planned his next move on me. He started being nice to me! He started treating me like a friend. I fell for it completely. I was so overjoyed at finally being accepted that my mind completely forgot all the terrible things he had done to me. He was now my friend! Or so I thought. On a Friday at school he came up to me and said hi, then invited me to go with his family to a restaurant that had video games, pizza, etc. I was thrilled. I accepted of course. When I arrived home from school I anxiously told my mom about being invited to go. She warned me that this might just be another prank that my tormentor was playing on me. But I refused to believe her. I just knew that he had changed and somehow finally accepted me for who I was and liked me. Saturday came and I was the most excited kid in the world. Waiting and staring out the window for his parents car to arrive so I could go and have a fun day with a new found friend full of joy and wonder. As the hours went by my mood started turning somber. I was starting to realize that my mother was right. He wasn't coming. This was indeed just another joke on me. The tears started to flow and lasted for hours. I felt once again completely unaccepted and rejected. My mother did however save me from further torment in school. She came up with the idea to not show my anger, not show that he had hurt me. To go to school and apologize to him for not being home on Saturday because my parents had taken me to an amusement park that was far more popular than the restaurant he went to. I took her advice and could see the frustration build on his face as I gave him my apology and walked away. To him the joke had backfired and he got no satisfaction. To me it still hurt severely, I can feel the tears trying to well up in my eyes now, but at least the lie my mom came up with saved me from further humiliation. An autistic person is like an elephant, we never forget and it's a curse. Most people would be over this long ago but because of my aspergers/autism I can't let it go. The torment continued through high school up until Carl contracted leukemia. Then the torture stopped. Maybe due to him focusing on his own suffering, or perhaps he was trying to keep from burning in hell for everything he had put me through, and possibly others too. After he passed away, his memorial at the town church was packed with almost everyone from the town. I walked into the church and it felt like every eye in there turned to see me in surprise. "What's he doing here?" echoed through my ears. I stood there, looking at the coffin for a moment, and smiled. Then I turned and walked out. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't smiling because this kid died of a horrible disease. I was smiling because I knew at last my torture was over. At least from him. I'm sure many people thought differently. I still don't know why things happen the way they do. But to me it was justice from god.
posted by ScottCrawley at 9:59 PM
Your mother's advice was brilliant! Still not enough to stop all the hurt, but helpful in the moment. Seems that the autistic tendency to take people at their word rather than discerning motivation was a big factor in this painful memory. Mindblindness, I think the word is.
August 16, 2009 3:06 PM
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Is anyone out there like me?
I often wonder when I'm not busy in my daily taking care of my kids routine, Is anyone out there like me? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be looked at as something special, and I know there are all kinds of people in the world with all kinds of problems and situations, some I'm sure far worse than mine. I just sometimes ponder on the concept of how unique of a life I am living. Are there other Aspergian men out there who are single dads? Are they raising two aspergian/autistic children on their own? Is one of them also a type one diabetic? Have they had nothing but failed relationships like me? Have they been abused by their partners, a parent, a sibling and others? Were they sexually molested as a child? Were they born with defects like my knees or my life long issue of being underweight? Have they had a life long battle with depression and suicidal tendencies? Do they suffer with bad coordination so everything they try to do is ten times harder for them than the average human being? Have they always related better to women, thought more like women do, even reflected on their life and thought "I should have been born a girl, people would have given me more consideration than they do now, my life would've been easier!"? Am I the only one in all of these situations, or have there been others. If there are others like me it seems that my path in life would be due to autism. If not then I don't know why I've been chosen to live the life that I have. There has been some happiness, some joy and wonder. But the fear, sadness, and struggle have always been in the forefront. My heart has always felt compassion and admiration for women who are single parents and have struggled in their lives just to find happiness. But are there other men like me out there? Am I the only one?
posted by ScottCrawley at 9:32 AM
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Why are most people so self-centered?
I look at the world today and wonder why people seem to only think about themselves. Most are greedy, trying to gain as many possessions as possible in their lifetime and refusing to give or share. Why? What has caused the world to have this view? How can people treat each other with such loathing and disregard? When I have been taken advantage of by someone in someway, it's not the loss of what they took from me that bothers me so, but the pain in my soul of wondering how someone could do that to someone else. I have very strong family values. I think that family is the most important thing and you should love them and never turn your back on them or do anything to harm them. But my views aren't shared by most. Most parents out there are ready for their kids to leave at eighteen and then don't want to help them with problems in their lives. I've heard it so many times, "They're grown now. They're an adult. Let them handle it. This is my money." To me love and loved ones feelings should matter a million times more than money. I've seen both sides of my family fight and squabble over what I consider to be not a lot of money when my grandparents passed. When I was young there was family reunions every year and get togethers, etc. Now my aunts and uncles hardly associate with each other because each one of them feels like they didn't get enough and the others did. Sounds very childish to me. These are brothers and sisters who should be there for each other and there to guide and support the younger generation so the whole family can have a happy existence. But it doesn't work that way. Money and possessions are more important than family. When my grandmother passed, I was renting her old place from her as she had moved up the street into her sons place to spend her final days and receive the care she needed. It was a trailer as old as me that I was renting. Nothing special, needed lots of work. My parents even called it a death trap and was afraid for me and my children living there. Yet when my grandmother passed, and the property was divided among the kids, no one in the family was happy that my mom sold me her share so I could own part of the property and no longer pay rent. This is family who has their own places and properties. But still trouble had to start. My aunt and uncle showed up in the driveway in their bus and lived there trying to torment me and force me to leave. They tried taking me to court. They tried everything including walking their dogs in front of my door and where my cars were parked so me and the kids would step in the dog piles. THIS IS FAMILY I'M TALKING ABOUT! My aunt told me it was nothing personal, just business. I don't understand why most people in this world have the same kind of I don't care about anyone but myself attitude. I wouldn't treat strangers with kids that way! But the majority of families in todays world aren't much different. People need to wake up and realize that there are more important things in life than money and possessions. Children should be the main focus of the entire family to guide and help them to advance so later on they can return the favor. Why can't people see things the way I do. Even strangers shouldn't focus on how they can take advantage of someone else. It's just money people. You spend it, it's gone. The stuff you buy, eventually gone too. What are you left with if you isolate everyone you know by only thinking of what you want. NOTHING!
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:16 PM
I agree people really don't care about anyone but themselves, especially family. It is such a shame and a waste. There is so much more important aspects of life than money...
August 26, 2009 11:36 PM
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Sunday, August 16, 2009
Humor sometimes stops meltdowns
I have said before that I've never really understood the concept of humor. But as I grew and learned more, I was able to remember things that people around me thought were cute or funny, and continue to use them or develop them into a new unique style, to make people laugh. I've always liked to make the ones around me smile and laugh, it makes me feel more accepted, even when I'm telling jokes that I don't understand or find less than tasteful. I will be the first to admit that I have a warped sense of humor and getting people to laugh is like throwing darts in the dark. My son however, loves me to joke and pick with him, even if his response to something I say is "You're just joking, right dad?" I have come to discover that when he is on the verge of an emotional meltdown that could last for hours, usually over frustration from playing video games, his favorite obsession, If I joke with him and try to find the humor in a situation, he will come out of it quickly and start to laugh. I then can breath a sigh of relief. For example, as usual today he is playing video games. This is upstairs where we live and I was downstairs. He started to get frustrated over the game. I could hear him start to cry and scream, and then I heard THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, as he stomped his feet on the floor above me. I walked up the stairs yelling out, "WHAT'S GOING ON? It sounds like an earthquake is happening up here!" and I did it in a pleasant, joking tone of voice. I saw his face switch from anger to happiness instantly and we engaged in some playful rolling around on the floor for a few minutes before he resumed playing his game. It's been an hour and he is still fine. Calmly trying to beat the game instead of losing control. Now this doesn't work every single time. But two out of three aint bad, eh!
posted by ScottCrawley at 4:41 PM
I'll have to give humor a try. Maybe catching my son off guard in his angry moments will help diffuse the situation. A couple days ago when Elliot was getting in one of his "I hate you Stupidhead" rants, I had the sense to respond calmly and said, "Well, I love you and I know I'm not stupid and you're not stupid so it doesn't really matter if you say that" and his anger melted away and he said, "I love you too."Elliot loves computers/computer games...but when he got mad this week because the game wasn't going like he wanted, he broke the mouse and started pounding on the computer with the computer speakers. He doesn't seem like he has much control once he loses it--anything that's in the way becomes a target.Good job getting your son settled down! That's always a relief, isn't it? :)
August 16, 2009 7:37 PM
Monday, August 17, 2009
Phobia's and their resulting panic attacks
I often reflect back to the surgeries I've had in my life. Six so far. With every one of them there is one common factor. When it came time for me to get the prep shot before the surgery I would experience an extreme panic attack. Even a day before the shot I was subjected to extreme anxiety, putting myself through self torture anticipating the coming shot. As a teenager I even tried writing notes to myself, telling myself to be strong and just take the shot. It never helped. Every time the nurse would come in with that needle, It would take three sometimes four or more people to hold me down to give me that shot. Yet all of my life I've noticed I have a very high tolerance for pain. It was never the pain that was the issue, it was a phobia of needles, of that piece of metal being stabbed into my body. I still suffer from this phobia along with others to this day. My son and daughter still have their phobia's of running water. My son will go into a panic attack if a small scratch produces a little blood on his skin. Where do these phobia's come from? Why with the autistic do they produce these meltdowns of an extreme nature. Again to me the only answer I can see is the fear itself. Our emotions are too high strung. I have no memories of a single shot causing me such harm that I was traumatized by it. Running water has never harmed my children. How can we learn to handle these fears better, to turn down the volume on our emotional amplifiers to a normal human level. Unfortunately I don't have the answer. The only thing that I can do now is warn nurses and doctors ahead of time that I WILL experience a panic attack which IS a result of my anxiety of needles. Maybe this is what we have to do with our children. Accept what is going to happen and just explain to the world why. If they don't understand, there's nothing we can do. Fear.......what can we do to conquer it? Will it ever go away?
posted by ScottCrawley at 2:02 PM
Scott,My brother was afraid of needles as well. He was also afraid of thunder. I always thought that it was a pain issue but now I wonder was he really afraid of the needle as well? He was always afraid of thunder. I wish I would have known about Aspergers when we were growing up. It would have explained so much and I think it would have helped because I would have done a better job at trying to ease his anxieties. For my brother to be afaraid of thunder at the age of 11 (I was 10) and want to stay in my room for the night made me feel uncomfortable and I thought he was carrying his fear to the extreme. I remember I just told him to go back to his room because it was only thunder. I wish I would have known about Aspergers.I wish I would have known about Aspergers when all he ever wanted to talk about were his problems and his fears when we were adults. I miss him a lot and I hope that wherever he is he understands that I loved him a lot and even though he thought I was jerky towards him; I only wanted him to be happy and I wanted to protect him from the people that took advantage of him. I wish I would have called him back just a couple days before he passed away. I wish I knew what he wanted to tell me. The needles remind me of my brother.My son also has high anxiety whenever he has a break in his skin. At first he thought that all of the blood in his body would flow out through the break in his skin. He was also afraid that his skin wouldn't grow back. I think he thought that if he got a sore he would just loose all of his skin. I try to explain to othe people about Jared's fears and that they are real fears but people just don't understand. I wish I had a better way to explain Aspergers.
August 18, 2009 9:57 PM
Xanax is known to be an FDA (Food and Drugs Administration) approved medicine for treating panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, anxiety related to depression et al and further details on Xanax info make it apparent that xanax is meant for short term treatment of anxiety.
August 19, 2009 6:51 AM
Monday, August 17, 2009
Changes are hard for us
One thing that you'll hear a lot of if you're researching autism/aspergers is "They will do better if you put them on a schedule. Changes in routine are very hard for the autistic." This statement is true about every aspect of our lives. Change seems to be something we try to avoid, it bothers us deep in our souls. Some of you have read in my postings that my children and I have recently moved. That was extremely hard on the three of us. We lived in that place for six years and it was the only home my daughter ever knew. Even when her room was empty and we were still moving things from other rooms, she would lay on her floor holding her teddy bear for comfort. My son would say to me often during the moving process, "We can still come back to our old house to visit, right dad?" I can see that the three of us still haven't adjusted to the new place yet. The house where I grew up in Leslie, Michigan is still the only place that feels like home to me. I still have a deep longing to be there. I've always felt not as comfortable everywhere else I've lived. It's been twenty years and I still can't get over it. I keep older furniture and possessions that most people throw out for new things because they're comfortable. My children and I like using the same glasses, plates, bowls, etc. Yes it's a pain washing after every meal, but my cupboards have plenty of space :) We are not hoarders, we don't have to keep everything. It's the things that we find comfortable. The things that make us feel safe, secure, and loved. Those things we don't want to part with, and when we have to, it bothers us to our very core.
posted by ScottCrawley at 2:42 PM
Indeed they are, Scott. I'm going through something similar right now, in recent years I've lost friends and family to death, my mother's family home that my grandfather built half of, the chance to purchase the local home I spent five of the most significant years of my life in, and soon I might lose my mother's current home, which I consider my home even though I've lived a thousand miles away for over ten years. I need that sense of continuity in my life, and it seems to be slipping away bit by bit. Sometimes I wonder if the solution for me would be constant change, so that I don't become overly attached to something I can lose -- to make my schedule a routine of moving on. I don't know if that would work, but I have a sense of wanderlust that's urging me to try it.I just wanted you to know that I'm reading and relating to your words, and rooting for you.
August 20, 2009 9:50 AM
Monday, August 17, 2009
Will I ever recover?
As I continue to battle my depression, my suicidal impulses, my inability to go out into the world unless I am forced to, I am starting to wonder if I will ever recover. It seems that through my forty years of struggling to live and be accepted as an aspergian in this world, each major downfall in my life has had a significant impact on me and my soul. I don't even think I would be considered functional anymore, unless it is on this keyboard or taking care of my children. My mother has had to take over other responsibilities in my life. She handles my money, she has custody of my children, decisions seem to be hard for me to make anymore. She will ask me a question dealing with a life issue and I pause, stutter, can't seem to come up with the answer. My mind starts to spin and the fear takes over of making a bad decision, even a simple one. I reflect back on my career in the casino industry and wonder who that person was. The Scott back then seemed to have more of his life in control. I still dealt with aspergian issues, but I was functioning in the world. I had focus. I then start to wonder if the way I am now is due to my aspergers, my depression, or if it is a result of the many blows to the head I've had in my lifetime. I just don't know. I do know that more than ever, I feel like I was pushed over the edge, and I'm no longer sane. The psychs don't seem to care, they just want to know how the pills are making me feel so they can decide if they should change my perscription, it's all about the money to them. Am I now living proof that the autistic shouldn't be let out free to roam the world. If we are allowed to function as normal humans, will it only end up being our downfall later on in life. Again, I don't know. I hope not. I do know that the world needs to know more about our heightened emotional state, that we can only take so much, or I'm afraid more of us will break down and become nonfunctional, as I have. But then again, maybe I'm just a fool whose cheese has slipped off from his cracker. You decide world. My future posts should determine that.
posted by ScottCrawley at 4:43 PM
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Pretending to be normal
My whole life I've felt like I was different. I've had trouble understanding many things that to some are just normal, natural human behavior. As I grew through my childhood, every mistake or embarrassment would be embedded into my mind, allowing me to avoid future humiliation by making the same mistake. It still has never corrected my Aspergian mannerisms or ways of thinking. This learning process only allowed me to pretend I was like most of you, a normal person. And it worked quite well, as some of you still don't believe the experts and think this whole Aspergers/Autism explosion as of late is just people making excuses for their bad children or their own mistakes in life. Those in my family who have witnessed me grow through my life have no trouble believing it now. They see it in my father and they see it in my children. My mother can even recall autistic mannerisms in my grandmother on my fathers side. To me now it is so evident in my family and others that the debate should be over. It's genetic. The symptoms and side effects grow stronger with each new generation. In simple terms, I am more aspergian than my father, and my kids more than me. Again the question is, is this all evolution caused by our societies need to socialize less and less. Or is this a problem that needs to be stopped by warning our children about the dangers of having kids of their own. With my mind being both intelligent and confused at the same time I don't even want to speculate on the correct answer. I still can't accept the fact of this being caused by immunization shots. How would that cause it to be genetic. Well again I've wandered into a different topic so let's get back on track. I pretended to be one of the normal people. When the guys were all standing around talking about this girl or that girl and saying their rather vulgar and disgusting things about them, I would just smile and nod and in my mind be thinking, "How can they think like that. They're no better than animals!" I had no idea that this is exactly how women like men to be! Women would always say, "I wish I could find a nice guy. One who won't cheat, is loving and caring, etc." But they are only lying to themselves. They want their men to be men. I just never knew that until now. I often wondered why they would leave me and go after an obvious a#$hole? Now I can see it's just all part of the grand animalistic mating dance. Many times someone would tell a good joke that would make the room bust out in laughter, I was usually hanging out in the corner alone, but I would laugh and place the joke in my memory so I could use it later to help socialize with someone else. Many times in my life I've pretended, pretended to be one of the crowd, pretended to understand, pretended to be normal. Most schools today think that autistic kids should be main streamed, it will help to correct their problems and issues. It will make them grow up more normal. That's exactly what I've been through all my life, being autistic but treated as normal and it's been so devastating to my emotional state that every night I want to end it all. I don't want my kids to have that kind of life. I want them protected. I want everyone to know that they are autistic, and as such, they have a more fragile and amplified emotional state to them so they need to be treated with kindness and care. Little things that others can get over easy enough could take them years, or they might never get over it. So show them love, compassion, and understanding. I don't want them to go through life pretending to be normal. I want them to be understood and accepted for who they are.
posted by ScottCrawley at 6:04 PM
I really like the distinction you make between "pretending to be normal" and being "understood and accepted" for who they are. But that requires other people making the necessary efforts to understand and accept, whereas with pretending, the burden is only on the individual who doesn't quite "fit". Still, that's a world worth working towards.I agree with you on the genetics side of the debate. I see signs of autism in my father, my uncle, my son, myself. It seems so unproductive to argue about vaccines, such a scapegoat approach to the issue, a way of saying, "Look, it's not us and who we are, it's mercury in the vaccines that caused this." I respect that people disagree on this issue, but in my family's experience, the obvious explanation is genetics.Have you read Willey's "Pretending to be Normal?" book yet? Well worth reading :)
August 18, 2009 7:56 PM
Scott,I agree! I don't think it's the immunizations either. My father, I believe, is Aspergian and you are right it gets worse with every generation. My brother was worse than my father and my son is worse than my brother or at least it is more evident as the generations progress. I think worse is a poor word. However, there are great traits of Aspergians. They are very emotional, great negotiators, pay close attention to detail and think out of the box. Our great Americans were Aspergian. Albert Einstein, Mozart, Beethoven, Lincoln, Speilberg, Michaelangelo. These are the men of our history. They created the society that we know today. If anything Aspergians need to copulate more. They are heaven on earth. I wish more people were Aspergian, and maybe we would get rid of our selfish society!!
August 19, 2009 5:32 PM
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
When I look into their eyes
When I look into their eyes I see the wonder, the possibilities. When I see them shining back at me I cry. When I look into those deep blue eyes and see the love they have for me, it make me glad to be alive. When I look into my childrens eyes.When I hear one of them cry, I am rushing to be beside them. When their tears are falling down like rain. To comfort them, and quiet them, to make them feel alright. It's all I want to do when I hear them cry.When they're smiling oh so brightly, the sun it starts to dim. When they're happy it is all of my joy. I feel like I have all the treasure in the sea, when I see them smiling back at me.At night as they lie sleeping, I feel all safe and warm. Comfort washes over me. I can't believe that God gave these two gifts to me. As I watch them sleeping peacefully.for Tony & Tristyn
posted by ScottCrawley at 7:37 PM
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
My trip to see the phychs
Venturing out into the world is not easy for me these days. I only do it when I absolutely have to. Today was such a day. While I prepared myself both physically and mentally to take my journey to the mental health clinic, my mother and son prepared for a trip to the school. He was being tested today to see which grade he's going to try to complete this year. After a year and a half of home schooling we're gonna try public school again and see if he can handle the environment without going emotionally overboard like he did in kindergarten and first grade. I still have a stack of papers as thick as a phone book from those two years. I am scared for him, but the first sign of trouble and he's back home. I'm not going to go through all of the trauma that he and I both endured before, with the talk of "putting your kid on drugs!" or "If it happens again there might be charges pressed!" Most schools are not prepared to deal with the autistic. Come to think of it, I think most school aren't prepared for much in this day and age. So yes, I was anxious and worried for my son, and then had to deal with my daughters tears when I told her she couldn't go with me, she'd have to stay home with papa. So off I go for my forty five minute long drive up a two lane highway to see the shrinks. As I drove north up the road, every time there was a clear spot to my right with no houses where I could see the bayou, thoughts started to roll through my mind. "I could just turn the wheel to the right and SPLASH! Into the water the truck and I would go!" As I was driving and fantasizing about my demise the world around me was going through it's normal routine. But all I could see is myself getting into an accident with this car, or that truck. Driving into gas stations, etc. All the while my anxiety grew and the adrenaline flowed through my veins. I arrived at the clinic, if you hadn't guessed by me writing this report, in one piece. I get called back into the office and it's the usual routine of questions about how are the pills making me feel, and how have I been feeling lately, etc. Of course, the question of me having any suicidal thoughts since our last visit comes into play. The whole time with every question I am being completely honest, keeping my thoughts as clear as I can with my headache, dizziness, and general sick feeling that the pills give me every day. So to make this rather long story a little longer, They've decided to double my meds and want to see me again in a week. So after they release me to go, thoughts are running through my mind about things that I need to get at the store. I look at the gas gauge and it's less than a quarter of a tank. But with all of the feelings running through my body, the anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, dizziness, adrenaline, etc., I couldn't do anything but drive straight back home. But to look at the bright side, at least I got out! :)
posted by ScottCrawley at 7:47 PM
Scott,I'm not sure what state you live in. I live in New York State. For Jared, school has been a blessing for him. I work closely with his teachers, school psychologist, school social worker, the reading teacher and the principal. I also see an external psychologist with him and he is great too. For me, the key is having the external psychologist because he is well educated on the laws and what schools try and get away with. You have to be your child's advocate and fight, fight, fight for the things that he needs. I really don't understand why schools don't try harder to do the things that they need to do because when these kids get out of school and into the real world and if they haven't gotten the help that they need then they become societies problem and have a very hard life. How do I know? Because it happened to my father and my brother. My father all of his life was told that he was stupid by his teachers and wouldn't amount to anything. He dropped out of school in the 8th grade ( he must have failed a couple of grades) and became self educated. Now people who meet him wants to know what college he went to. My dad didn't even go to high school. He joined the Navy and later got married and had me and my brother. When he went to school, it was in the 1940's.My brother was pushed through the grades and when he got into the 6th grade, my parents found out he was on a 2nd grade math level because he was pushed through. Both my father and my brother had a difficult life because we didn't know about Aspergers when they were growing up. My brother was in his mid 20's when it was first being diagnosed in the States.Aspergian parenting is frustrating on a daily basis especially when you are dealing with people who think the diagnosis is all a farce and that you are a poor parent.Given the daily challenges though I wouldn't trade my Aspergian in for the world. The joys outweigh the challenges, and I think that my true challenges are with other people who don't get it than truly with his Aspergian tendencies. Sometimes I feel I am on a desert island when it comes to the struggles with Aspergers because I really can't talk to anyone about it unless they are Aspergian too!I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! I'm happy to see that you are releasing your stress through your blog and not in self inflicting ways. Your children will truly suffer if they don't have their main support and that is YOU!!!!! :) XOXOXOXO
August 20, 2009 5:31 AM
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Guess who's comin' to dinner! or Here she comes again!
Morning world! I couldn't decided whether it was good or bad so I just stuck with the obvious. I awoke this morning, my head twice as messed up as normal from doubling my meds, to the pleasant sounds of my son having one of his frequent meltdowns over a game. My first thought was to get up and help him to calm down. But as I lifted my head and felt the more than usual hangover feelings, dizziness, pounding head, sick feeling, etc., I opted to settle for, "Knock it off!" which doesn't make him feel better or stop the meltdown, but it will quiet him down to a calmer while for a while. So I at least got to lay in bed for a little while longer until my daughter woke up. Then of course, me being her substitute pancreas, I had to get up and start the daily routine, check the sugar, give her the shots, etc. One thought that crossed my mind as I was plunging one of the needles into her backside was, "Well I know she has no phobia of needles!" After I got their breakfast on the table, the thought came into my head that today is the day. My kid's mother is on her way back down here from Michigan and will be at the bus station in New Orleans today at four! I'm not sure if I am ready to deal with a trip to New Orleans let alone deal with her again. I don't know if my state of mind at the present time can handle it but we'll see. Let me fill you in. Her name is Dawn. She is the mother of both of my kids, Tony and Tristyn. We first started dating in 2000 and Anthony Scott Crawley was born in 2001. Tristyn Dawn Crawley was born in 2004. When I first met her, just like most that meet her, I thought she was incredible. She's an average looking girl but her personality to those who are friends with her is a ten. She is a people person, and can easily make friends. My wake up call that she had a dark side should have happened early on when she asked me to give her a ride to her anger management class. I know, I know. Just like most people you're thinking, "Duh! Here's your sign!" But my Aspergian mind didn't accept her for anything more than what I knew of her. A very friendly nice girl. Through the five years we were together I endured massive physical and mental abuse. House phones across my face, unopened beer cans smacking me in the back of the head, even being stabbed in the arm with a fork! People often ask me, why did you stay with her? Those of us who have children should understand. I was trying to keep my family together. I didn't want my kids to grow up in a broken home with only one parent. We've been apart now going on five years, with the occasional visit from time to time. I know now that she only looks at me as a place of stability. I've always had a home for myself and my children, I'm good at managing our money, always maintained my vehicles, etc. So again her life isn't going well and she "Wants to come home" as she puts it. My mom will tell you that this is not her home and she can visit but better have somewhere else to stay. Being with me when Tony was a baby, she has more of a connection with him. When Tristyn was two and contracted type one diabetes and was in the hospital, Dawn made the trip from Alabama to here with her boyfriend at the time and didn't even stay twenty four hours. She is the mother of these two, but she's never really been a mom. I've always had that role. I could go on and on about her and her issues, but I don't want to bore anyone. I know that everyone has their problems out there so let's get to the point. She'll be here today and I don't know if my mental state can handle it. But I will try. I always try to do what's best for the kids and they need to know who their mother is even if later on in life they don't like her. At least they won't be blaming me for not letting them see her. Another issue I know that we'll encounter is I am clean now. I don't even smoke cigarettes. She's still into drugs, drinking, smoking, etc. But again I'll just stay strong, or at least try. If anyone would like to know more about her, or any other questions you have for me, don't hesitate to ask. My life is an open book now. I'm not afraid to express my feelings, opinions, or experiences to anyone. I enjoy helping others and what I've been through might teach others to not make similar mistakes. I want to thank those who have left me comments or emails. You are helping to keep me on the right path. :) Now I'm gonna prepare my mind and body for what I'm sure is going to be an intense and scary trip. Wish me luck!
posted by ScottCrawley at 9:48 AM
Scott,Good Luck! But always remember that you can set up boundaries with your wife. Have you ever thought about going to Al-Anon? My father (who I believe to be Aspergian-I think he is our link) is an alcoholic. It's not uncommon for Aspergians to find comfort in drugs and alcohol, so I've been in and out of Al-Anon my entire life, but in 2006 I committed myself to a home group in Al-Anon and it helps tremendously. The only requirement is that you have a relative or friend who has a problem with alcohol (You meet that requirement) and our first concept states "Our common welfare should come first." You can have a relationship with your ex-wife AND have boundaries set up that will protect yourself and your children. Your kids can also go to Alateen.Wishing you well!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
As the time ticks by....
As the time ticks by she's drawing near. As the minutes roll on I feel the fear. What's going to happen, what's going to be said. A million thoughts and panic in my head. Telling myself it will all be alright, wondering if I'll think the same way tonight. A state of sanity I fight to keep everyday. She's most of the reason for me being this way. On her though, I can not place all of the blame. There's so many reason's for my sorrow and shame. She did make a huge impact on my life. Yes I am glad that she's not my wife! Tick tick tick, she's closer now than before. In a few hours, I'm out the door. Me and our children will go to pick her up. Headed to New Orleans in our little red truck. When she's around I have to walk on egg shells. I'm tellin ya this b#$ch put me through hell. Are you liking my poem, my words, and my rhymes. It's not helping my fears, it's just passing the time. If I had my way, I'd find a place to hide. Where I wouldn't have to worry about her being by our side. Thinking of the kids though is what I have to do. Tony witnessed a lot of what she put me through. Tristyn doesn't really know a thing about this girl. She never wanted to be part of that baby's world. Why did she decide to come back today. I don't know, in my mind, I really can't say. I'll be optimistic and say it'll be ok! To the readers of this, "Have a nice day!"
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:18 PM
I love, love, love your poems. You need to find a good publisher. Check out backspace.com!!
August 20, 2009 5:32 PM
Friday, August 21, 2009
Welcome back Scott!
Well, that experience was both frightening and interesting. But I'll get to that in a minute. First of all, it feels like I haven't been at this keyboard for a week! I know it hasn't even been two whole days but man did that time drag by slow! I see that in my absence some of you had brownies or some other treat that you were teasing the rest of your online friends with. Some of you are still playing your online games and doing good, although I really don't have the concentration to play games right now. I tried a couple, but I just can't. I love doing the quiz's. A lot of the things they say are dead on to my personality! I see E.D. Easley is still promoting his book, "The Lost Generation." I read the first chapter that he has online and it's quite a story. I know John Elder Robison is still promoting his book, "Look me in the Eye" which I would still like to find a copy of and read. I read all kinds of great reviews from his fans on his FB pages. So anyhow, now that I've caught myself up with all of my online friends lives, even those wild party girls Jenn and Michelle, it's time to get all of you up to date with my life. You all know that the kid's mom came back down from Michigan to here in Louisiana and her intention was to stay here with the kids and I, even though she never asked my parents permission to stay. I guess she figured that I would talk them into it but that wasn't the way things went. I took a neutral stand due to the fact of still having an extreme fear of what she could do if she lost her temper. Because of that fear and her presence in this state now, I might leave some of my personal feelings out for fear of provoking her into causing me bodily harm. Sorry that I can't be one hundred percent honest and open now but I'm sure you all understand. With her most of the time I never saw the abuse coming. It usually either came from the back or the side. So any how, on to the story. The trip to New Orleans was a little scary, but my state of mind was more like a deer drinking from a still pond that hears a noise, lifts up his head, ears, eyes, and nose trying to sense any danger, that was this parent driving with his two kids. I was more in control and protective of my precious cargo. The drive went from a two lane highway, to four, then eight, and for a little while ten lanes of traffic. The adrenaline flowed through my veins and my sense of anticipation was high. We arrived at the bus station and I had to walk the kids around for about a half an hour waiting for her bus to arrive, it was late. Part of the time they pretended to play the video games in a small arcade there, I didn't have to give them quarters, they just used their imaginations which was fine with me. Dawn's bus finally arrived and, after chasing my daughter down who was in pursuit of a pigeon, we were on our way back home. Dawn was sad and upset about leaving Michigan with her grandmother on her death bed, but she wanted to be back in Louisiana before Tony's birthday on the twenty seventh. She was happy to see us, and didn't show any kind of bad feelings towards me so I felt at ease and in control on the drive home. We arrived back here and it was already past time for me to do the kid's supper, so I went into my usual parent mode of checking my daughter's sugar, shots, fixing their food, etc. Dawn went into my parents house to say hi and talk to my mom. For the first half hour things went good. The kids were fed and Dawn and my mom were getting reacquainted, talking about her grandmother still being alive, but really not being here any more as her mind was gone. Her body just hadn't stopped working yet. I guess somewhere in their conversation the topic came up about her staying here and my mom refused. That's when the whole mood changed to two women having an argument about who would end up having custody of the three of us. Dawn is taking the stand of she wants her family back and she's gonna have them! To me, In a way I can see how she loves us like family, especially the kids, but right now I feel safer being here. My mom has never tried to harm me and Dawn has. But I slowly started to learn and realize that my life is no longer in my control. My mother has custody of the kids, Dawn is gonna fight her for that right, and they both want me with the kids to take care of them. That's still my job and responsibility. Some of you have talked about Autistic/Aspergians and mind blindness. This is another case of that. It took me longer than a normal person to realize that I'm not in control of my own life anymore. The world considers me developmentally disabled and not functional. They don't think I'm sane anymore and I'm starting to think they are right! I will never think I am not capable of taking care of my kid though. I always have and always will be a great parent. So back to the story, I had to be a bit of a mediator between these two women. It could've very well erupted into a fist fight if I just let them argue. My rationality and calmness kept the whole thing from turning into major drama, even though on the inside my nerves were completely on edge. I know they both have good intentions, but I still doubt Dawn has the best intentions for the three of us. Her life is still about her and she's still living by having different men to take care of her. She has a standby guy down here in case she needs him, and that's where she'll be staying for now. Close to Mississippi. She has a guy in Michigan that helps to take care of her while she's up there. While she was here, I bought her cigarettes and gave her some money. So this is nothing new to her, it's how she lives her life. If she ever gets her act together and has a safe, decent place for the kids to visit, we will, as long as she's not in a scary mood. But it would take plenty for her to prove to me she's out for the kids and my best interests. So after her staying last night and sleeping on the couch, even though my mom wanted her to sleep in my van, the kids and I took her to Waffle House, her career home, to meet up with the guy she'll be staying with. As I drove home my mind started to wander. I realized that my post's are like a book in progress that you people are reading as I write it. So my life is now a living book. Then it went further, it's more like a reality show, only you don't watch it, you read it! So here I am, an Aspergian who has created the next form of the reality craze. Spread the word, tell your friends and fans, let's get everyone in on this. There are no actor's, this is REAL reality and it's got all the elements of a good sitcom. It's a different kind of family with a different kind of drama. No producer's making fake drama to get your attention. I'm just stating the facts as they happen. Through story's, poetry, etc. you will continue to learn about everyone's life I've been talking about, and more! And if you order right now we'll even include............ ahh yeah, sorry. Started to get carried away :) But seriously, if you're reading this and you're not a follower of this blog, I would appreciate it if you became one. I really love it when someone leaves a comment or sends me an email, it makes me feel good. If you want to try to im me, if I'm in the right mood to talk, as it feels more personal and real life and scary, I will. If I don't answer an im, don't be offended. It's just my autistic fear taking over. Thanks for reading!
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:45 PM
Thinking of you and all you are going through. I don't have to try hard to follow this story, because I too have a similar family, the good thing is I removed myself from it. I am proud of you for being a good parent and putting your children 1st. They may not know how much you are helping them until later, but you are so important to their survival and sanity.I'm glad you have good parents. They will watch out for all of you. If I still lived in georgia where my family is, it would be so hard. My husband is great and my children didn't have to grow up in craziness like I did. I wish you lots of luck. I try to read each day but have been in a slight depression lately and skipped a couple of days. Hopefully I am coming out of it so that I can follow daily.Gina
August 22, 2009 12:38 AM
John Elder Robison said...
My best wishes to you . . .
August 23, 2009 6:03 PM
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Reflections of Dawn's visit
As I clear my head this morning, take a deep breath and try to relax, my mind starts to reflect on Dawn's visit. Again I can see now the possible impact to myself and the kids. The battle that looms on the horizon. It's funny how with this keyboard I can look and sound completely normal, intelligent, humorous, and friendly. But the real world just looks at me as a man who has Aspergers, and has been put through way too much abuse and now isn't sane. My mind wanders back to my teenage years in Leslie, Michigan. There's a park downtown that kids would always gather at when someone was going to fight. This was one of those days, but the two participants didn't show up. So the crowd started looking for new action. They saw this small, underweight kid that seemed like the perfect prey. False rumors started, one kid says something to another, I'm talking to my best friend. Next thing you know, I'm being spun around and clocked right in the nose. The blood started to flow, and I started swinging. My whole life I've never backed down. I always defend myself. Now I'm thinking about a teenage dance I was at. This very uncoordinated, skinny, terrified boy dancing with a girl. She looks up at him and says, "Don't you know how to move your hips!" Thinking of that moment still makes me turn red with embarrassment, and gives me feelings of hating the body I've been given, the life I've been given. Sorry, my mind wandered again. Let's get back on track. So these two women are going to battle for custody of the kids, and in essence, me too. I'm sure love is not the only motivator. Money has to be one of the issues. More with Dawn than with my parents I'm sure, but they have enjoyed some of the money the three of us bring in every month since we've been here. It's ironic that most of the time I feel like a child trapped inside of my own head and now that's basically how I'm looked at and treated. Personally I would like to feel strong and independent enough to have control over my own life again, but I don't know if that will ever happen. I know if someone ever tried to separate the kids and I it would kill me. I couldn't survive without them. I wouldn't want to. Tony has love for his mom, he seems to have that strong family value that I've always had. He wants the four of us to be together. When the drama happened between Dawn and my mom, and Dawn was told she couldn't stay, Tony told my mom, the woman who's been helping to take care of him, the one who just recently went to the school with him to get him enrolled, he told her "I don't like you anymore. You're not my Nana!" I felt so bad for my son. I can relate to the feelings he's experiencing. I know this is a moment that will stick with him and haunt him. I want to just make everything all better for him, but I can't. Dawn of course, loved how he was taking the situation. He can't see that she's done next to nothing for him all of his life. He can only see that she's his mom, and he loves her. Tristyn enjoyed her being here, but when we dropped Dawn off, it wasn't a big deal to her. I've always been her mom and dad. Since day one, come to think of it, even before that. I used to sing to Dawn's belly, rub it, hold it, I was so protective of Dawn while she was pregnant with my children that if someone wanted to fight her, they'd have to get through me, and the one girl that tried didn't. I had to pick that girl up and carry her out of the house while she was hitting me in the head and face. But I wouldn't let her near my unborn child to cause damage. I didn't hit her back, just carried her outside, set her down and told her to go home. If Dawn wouldn't have been pregnant, I would have let the girl fight her. She would've lost anyhow. Dawn's tough! Sorry, back to the story. My mom was very straight forward with Dawn. Telling her she's never been a part of her family's life and she only wants what's best for her. I see it that way too. I know Dawn has love for her kids, but if that was me in the same situation, I would've been on my knees begging to not be separated from the kids. I wouldn't have been on the phone with other's that I have relationships with, but she talked to a few of her men right in the same room with me. She really only proved to us all that she's never gonna change. Dawn did tell me that she wouldn't want full custody, that she couldn't handle taking care of the kids on her own. Which basically means she wants me to do the job. She knows I'm what's best for the kids. I don't know what's gonna happen but you'll be able to read about it here. I'm still having many suicidal thoughts but I'm dealing with them. The extra meds don't seem to be making a difference. I still feel the same every day. Trapped in a world I can't control. Doing the only things that I can do good anymore, taking care of the kids and hammering away at these keys. Man...... what a life I have :) Thank you for reading my friends!
posted by ScottCrawley at 10:25 AM
Saturday, August 22, 2009
When will I go?
When will I go. I no longer want to stay. The skies in my life are always grey. There is no more magic, no joy to this life. I don't have any friends, lovers, or a wife. The food has no taste, I don't want to roam. I just huddle, scared and tired, in my little home. I love my kids dearly and I know they need me. There's a longing in my soul for it to be free. Free of this body that I've never controlled. Free to fly up to heaven, to have God to hold. When happiness is gone and you no longer want to live, how much longer can a human being give. I still feel love, for everyone out there. I want peace and lucidity, and for every soul to share. Kindness and giving, a beautiful world. This is all I want for my boy and my girl. As for me, weary, ready to leave this place. Take my last breath, and let an angel embrace. I don't want any tears or sorrow for me. Just remember my dream and make it be. Fix this world for all the lost sheep. Make it paradise, before we all go to sleep.
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:18 PM
Scott,Bitter Sweet!! Your words remind me so much of my brother. Please know that I miss him dearly. He passed in his sleep but I know from his girlfriend that your thoughts were his. I would suffer much more today if he would have taken his own life. You will be missed!! You have so much to offer. Remember John Elder Robison was that same age as you are today when he was diagnosed and feeling like you are today and see how rich his life is now!! Your work is not done here!!! I think life is about suffering sometimes. God only knows when our time is finished!!With Love,Laura
August 22, 2009 1:42 PM
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Don't be scared, it's only your mind
Don't be scared, it's only your mind. Be not afraid to just leave it behind. Let it fall down below to a deep, dark well. Be happy and laugh at your life all in hell. Smile brightly at those who don't understand. Watch their minds slip, and take them by the hand. Down insanity's path the world will run. Lunatics marching and carrying guns. An army of phyco's taking over this place. Either you join us, or take one in the face. Here we come to your towns and all the neighborhoods. Destroying everything, especially the good. Look all around you, Armageddon's at hand. Look at the red sky, it's the end of all man. As I watch this whole planet die, frightened and sweating, I open my eyes.
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:48 PM
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Why do the autistic repeat?
As I once again witness my son having a meltdown over a game, myself and my mother trying to joke with him, talk to him, get him to either calm down or take a break from playing. He doesn't want to. Even though this game has him completely in tears, extremely frustrated and upset, he doesn't want to stop. The autistic seem to get stuck in the same routines like that. I will watch certain movies over and over and over. The kids are the same way, Tristyn LOVES Wall-E. I know some of it has to be a comfort thing, but continuing an activity that is causing us great emotional stress doesn't make sense. But we do it anyway. In conversation we only seem to want to talk about whatever our mind is stuck on at that moment. Again, Tony will talk about games for hours, even describing and explaining while he's playing. I guess the reason when I write that my mind will wander is partly due to to my depressive disorder as the phychs put it. Again, I don't know. I'm just trying to figure this whole thing out. Just like the rest of the world. I am sure I've suffered from depression my whole life. My first suicide attempt was as a young teenager. I had a really bad day. My best friend stole my girl. I was smart enough at the time to not put the blame on him, guy's will take what they can get from girls, but she was my first love and she didn't have the same feelings for me. We never had sex, due to me not going after it like a normal guy would. Mr. Aspergers here in his delusional world of waiting for the perfect moment when it was romantic and we'd end up spending the rest of our lives together. Mindblindness. So I look for someone to relate my feelings to and it's the girl that my best friend had dumped for my girl. My dad didn't want to give me money for gas, I left anyways. I needed her shoulder and comfort. On the way home I ran out of gas. My dad had to come help me and when I arrived back home he beat me badly. That night before bed I was in such a terrible emotional state that I ate every pill I could find in the medicine cabinet. I don't remember much after that except waking up in the hospital. I've had other attempts, many of them, which I might go over in future posts. So yes, I do believe it is a depressive disorder due to my autism. But enough of that. I have to go ya'll. I need to make the kid's supper. I will write again soon. Take care and be happy. I'm not, someone has to be. :)
posted by ScottCrawley at 5:09 PM
Saturday, August 22, 2009
This is my world, Deal with it!
Hello world. Welcome to Confessions of an Aspergian. The incredible online reality show where we look at the lives of a very interesting and extremely crazy family of Aspergians and one old lady trying to hold it all together. Staring Scott Crawley as the Aspergian who has lost all his marbles so he's switched to playing poker! His two Aspergian kids Tony and Tristyn with all the normal wild and cute antics of children plus a few creepy surprises thrown in. Also staring Patrick Crawley, Scott's abusive Aspergian father who's got issue's all his own. Pauline, his otherwise normal mother who eventually will lose it from trying to keep this phyco family on track and in control. And Finally Dawn, the abusive ex-girlfriend/babymoma who wants her family back at any cost! That word creepy up there.......that's funny. In school I used to be called Creepy Crawley! Maybe that's what the show should be called. The Creepy Crawley's! Alright, I hear ya. Enough fantasizing. Back to reality. Well at least mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in two worlds. Sometimes this world seems more like a bad dream to me and my real world where I'm more normal and accepted happens after I go to sleep. I wonder if anyone else feels like that. When I dream it seems like I can do so much more and I'm such a better person. Then I wake up and it's back to the nightmare! I don't know, maybe the drugs that the phychs have me on make me feel the way I do, maybe it's because my mind is gone, maybe it's just my Aspergers, are you tired of me saying maybe yet? Sorry, just seeing if you're still with me. So the kids have had supper, my daughters sugar has been like a ping-pong ball today, up and down extremely. It scares me on days it's like that. I don't want to lose her. I feel sorry for parents who lose their kids before they go. My mom's probably scared like that now for me. But I'm still going, day by day. Ignoring or avoiding my suicidal impulses and doing my job. Living my life. Yeah, you're right, I'm doing this writing to fight off those impulses. Mom's talking to me about my ex sister-in-law now cousin-in-law, sounds mighty redneck,huh? She's worried about my cousin cheating on her. I don't know if he is or not, but I know I couldn't handle all of the relationship drama with my mind and it's present state. The state of insanity :) I just couldn't handle it. So, has anyone figured out exactly what kind of world mine is yet? Send in your emails, your comments, your im's. Good or bad, I'll take 'em. Tell me what you think. Should I continue my writing?Does anyone really care? Or am I just a waste of web-space? C'mon world, hit me with your best shot.
posted by ScottCrawley at 5:52 PM
Scott,I like your writing especially your poems. My son has a world of his own too. Before he was diagnosed, he called it "Jared's World". Everything was fun in Jared's world. Everyone in town played the Wii all day! He wouldn't tell me a lot about it. When I questioned him about Jared's World, he shut completely down. I think he only told me the stuff he could trust me with. Now that he is on meds he doesn't talk about Jared's World anymore. I think you should consider writing a book too! I've always wanted to write one about Parenting an Aspergian....Take Care,LauraXOXO
August 22, 2009 7:15 PM
I think you should continue to write even if you think nobody's reading it, which we are. I think you have an outlet thru your writing and I agree with Laura's post, you should write a book.
August 22, 2009 7:21 PM
"I'm doing this writing to fight off those impulses."That's as good a reason to write as any ;) And I continue to read. Funny (well, not really, but kind of) that you were called "Creepy Crawley" as a kid. I hadn't thought of that possibility until just the other night when I was looking at your last name and thought, "You know, I wonder if he ever had the nickname..." :)As to imaginary worlds, my son tends to include me in his--right now I'm Tinkerbell. When he's stressed or I'm stressed and therefore making him stressed, he goes into this other world, usually inhabited by princesses and Mary Poppins. And now my daughter's up. putting down the computer...
August 24, 2009 5:54 AM
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Evolution or Armageddon?
I was just im'ing with Lisa Brennan and came up with that thought about autism. I have the theory that it's evolution. That the human race is evolving with each generation to be less social because we have less of a need to. But yeah, it could be looked at a different way to. It could be looked at as the beginning of Armageddon. Humans slowly being unable to take care of themselves. I don't know. I do know when I started down this latest path of depression, wasn't eating at all, drinking and smoking way too much, I call it partying like a rock star, I dropped twenty five pounds, my clothes were falling off me, my mom called the cops on me and I was locked up in the hospital talking about how all of the autistic are angels put here on earth to clean up after Armageddon is over with. I still don't know if I had just lost my mind or was being touched and inspired by god. The experts just think I'm crazy and I did too much drugs and alcohol in my life. But I'm clean now and I still have that belief in a way. I will never stop feeling like after Dawn and I split up and I was alone with the kids, I felt love, guidance, like someone was helping me. That's the first time I told my mom I felt like I was touched by god and he was helping me. From that point on, about four years ago, she's thought I was crazy. I don't know. The phychs still ask me if I hear voices or if I'm receiving any messages from god. If I still think I'm an angel. I just answer no to them and tell them it's just a religious point of view to me now, nothing more. I guess that's the truth. None of us knows. Meanwhile, society will just continue to blame immunization shots for autism, and continue to call me crazy. I can deal with that. One thing is for sure, each day autism is getting more noticed and each generation is getting more prominent symptoms. You decide world, evolution or Armageddon?
posted by ScottCrawley at 6:52 PM
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Lack of Consideration
Hello my friends. It's another day in this crazy, messed up but still beautiful world for all of us. As usual, I woke up sick from the meds, as the day goes on I just feel more high than anything else so it's ok. I can deal with it. After taking a few day's to get settled at her man of the moment's house, Dawn called. She never really asks much about how the kids or I are doing when she calls. Most of the time it's because she's bored or upset and needs someone to talk to. Self-centered. Knowing that I'm living in the state of insanity right now, you'd think she'd refrain from talking to me about her and some other guy's life. Not that it brings up any jealousy issues with me, we've been apart way too long for that. But it does make me feel sad and completely unloved that she will do that, but never wanted me to act like that. In the four years that we've been apart I only had one girlfriend. Like most people, including Dawn, if you have a significant other in your life, they're gonna come up in conversation. But if I did that I would always get, "Don't talk about her to me! I don't wanna hear about that b!#ch!" So as this twenty minute phone call drags on it's all about Teddy this and Teddy that and his apartment is so messy I had to clean it up.......etc. The whole time my mind is thinking, "How can she sit there and treat me like this. With no consideration for my mood or state of mind?" Her conversation always ends with, "Give the kids kisses and hugs for me." I never do. If she wanted that she'd try to see them more. But like the last time she was down here, we'll see her once every couple of weeks when she's bored. Then when her life goes bad down here and she can't get help from me she'll run back up to Michigan to be with her man up there. Sometimes I'd just like to slap myself across the face for being with her in the first place. But I'll never be sorry for having my kids. I love them more than life itself. I think I do like it better when she's in Michigan. I hear from her less and therefore it causes me less stress and anxiety. I feel like she looks at all guys the same. Yeah, they look different on the outside, but to her it doesn't matter who she's with, as long as someone is there to take care of her. She's willing to wait tables for money to buy green, or cigs, or her personal things. I don't know. I need to get my mind off from her before I sink further into depression. Let's see..........hmmmmm........oh well, I tried can't do it. My mind just took me back to another suicide attempt. It was when Dawn was pregnant with Tony. I was working at Motor City Casino in Detroit and living in a very small, but cute apartment in Jackson, Michigan. As usual it was a case where she wanted things her way and I had a different opinion, she pushes my stress level to the roof, and then tells me she's going to get an abortion and walks out. I couldn't see it back then but Dawn uses drama to get the things she wants. She figures if she throws a big enough fit and pushes enough buttons she'll get her way. She never really intended on getting an abortion, but like most of my life, I took those words as true. So after drinking about half of a fifth of Jack Daniels, I opened my wrist. I cut clear down to the tendon. If I moved my hand and bent my wrist you could see the tendon slide back and forth working the way it should. I was bleeding severely, but didn't hit the artery otherwise I'd probably have been gone. A friend came over and patched my drunken broken soul up. What does Dawn say when she finds out about this? "I wanna see it. Come over to my house." Again, that should've been a big clue to me. Aspergers and mindblindness. How I love it. So I go over and show her, in her pregnant state seeing my wrist causes her to throw up, and then she wants sympathy from me for how she feels! Sometimes I feel like a genius and other times I feel so retarded. How could I have been with her for five years and had a second child with her. I don't know. Maybe you have some answers my friends, my listeners and followers of my posts. Talk to me. Let me know what you think. Maybe I've just been insane all along. I don't know...........
posted by ScottCrawley at 11:19 AM
Hey, Scott. I'm so sorry to hear that things are tough for you. I hope to be able to read more about your situation. You are an excellent writer.Jenn (from school) :)
August 23, 2009 12:20 PM
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Memories of my youth gone wild
As some of you know, I grew up in the small town of Leslie, Michigan. Being an autistic, out of control kid most of the time, at thirteen my parents let me run wild. I know my dad just didn't want me around, and my loving, but naive mother thought the town was too small for me to be in any kind of danger so she let me go. Every day after school, and in the summers from the time I woke up, I was exploring my town and trying to learn about life. So here I am thirteen, smoking, drinking and doing drugs. Partying with teen and adults, most of whom were older than me. I was up for any kind of stunt which gave me some of my popularity. I never really cared if I was putting my life at risk, as long as I wasn't risking anyone Else's. Like taking a trip to the fifties, Leslie had one main block, with of course, Main Street in the front. Kids would cruise around and around this block, parking in the back sometimes to talk, or drink, do their drugs, etc. I could often be seen on top of my own or someone Else's vehicle riding around screaming like a mad man. There were times that some of us would have older fire extinguishers that you could open and refill and pressurize at the air pumps by the gas stations. We'd fill them up with all kinds of different and sometimes disgusting liquids and drive around ambushing other kids and their cars. Many times their were egg wars. It seemed like where ever the action or party was, I had to be there. I'm sure I still have somewhat of a reputation in the town for being such a bad boy. To me I was just having fun. The rumors about me were great. Every time I had a surgery on my knees someone was saying I got into some kind of accident. I hung around with a few of the criminal elements in the town, so I got a reputation as a criminal, never did any of it. I was always too scared of jail to break the law. But I got accused many times and even arrested once. Never convicted. I also had a reputation as a devil worshiper. Must have been the music I listened to. I never minded any of the legends that spread through the town about me. I felt like at least I'd be remembered. But yes I was wild. One of my guardian angels back then was my best friend Charlie. He would always keep me from going over the edge, crossing the line, etc. Even when I was away from him his voice was right there in my head. "Scott, fifteen will get you twenty! You know better than that Scott. You wanna go to prison and be some one's b!#ch?" Charlie has always had his act together, even still today. He's only chose to be friends with people who were themselves, not liars pretending to get attention. If I could've lived my life in a different way I would have chosen to live like him. Because of the abuse I had at home from my brother and father, sometimes I would live downtown on the streets. Sleeping at night in a stairway leading up to apartments, or in the cemetery in the summer time. Sometimes I would stay with friends. There was a time when I was staying at a house downtown where some of the criminal elements lived. Also living there was another guardian angel of mine, Matt. Matt was a beautiful soul. He could get a look so mean on his face that he could scare someone twice his size out of fighting, but he really was gentle. He was caring and compassionate, and again was always there to look out for this strange skinny kid who was too wild and crazy to watch out for himself. Matt kept me from going out on adventures with others in the house to cause criminal mischief. Matt kept me in line. Matt was a dear friend. Sadly, the woman he was living with in that house broke his heart so severely that he took his own life. I still miss him to this day. And on that sad note I guess I'll stop for now. I'm feeling a little sad and need to find something to clear my mind. If you have any questions or comments, you know you can leave 'em. Thanks for reading! :)
posted by ScottCrawley at 2:10 PM
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Depression is so depressing
Hello keys, it's me again. Using you to get out of this mood that I'm in. Moving my thoughts from my head to the screen. Trying to forget bad things that I've seen. For some reason today I just want to cry. I try to cheer up, but still just want to die. I think of happy days, my life in the past. But happy thoughts, they don't seem to last. It always changes to a sad memory. Causing me still to not want to be. One day I will get out of this state. Sometime soon, I hope, I will feel great. Again, here they come as I'm writing this poem. Depressing memories is where my mind wants to roam. Friends who have passed and gone who knows where. In my mind I still love them, I still find I care. A guy once blew his head off, five feet from me. That event happened at Motor City. C'mon Scott, start feeling all right. Don't let yourself pass into the night. Yes I am troubled, yes I'm not well. Right now my mind continues to put me through hell. Can't these phychs find the right meds. Can't they do something to fix my head. Another day I'll just say I don't know. Down into depression I'll continue to go. But I'm glad that you all are talking to me. Helping me through, helping me see. Don't you worry, I'm not going yet. When I decide to you'll know, I'll bet!
posted by ScottCrawley at 4:32 PM
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Anticipation of tomorrow
Anthony is set to make his return to school tomorrow. My nerves are a little heightened in anticipation of days to come. I just hope there will be more good days than bad. I also hope he can make it through the year. It all depends on how well he can adjust to that environment without his emotions getting the best of him. I hope he's grown enough to handle it. Most of the time he's still like a four year old instead of acting eight. Part of his Aspergers. My mood has improved from earlier. I'm sure partly due to getting him prepared for tomorrow. I feel worry in the pit of my stomach. I can't deny it. I'm scared for him. It's hard to think of him not having me there to help and protect him. I don't want him to grow up the way I did. I don't want to many bad experiences haunting him and turning his skies grey like mine. I want him to have a happy and wonderful life. I want him to know so much more than I did, to not be surprised by the reality of life when you grew up thinking life was a Disney movie, like I did. I was so naive, time and time again. He should have it better, I hope. Wow, a parents love. Incredible, huh? I know some of you can relate. I'm glad my mood is calmer, more serene and peaceful, but just a little anxious. It's all good. I hope whatever your life involves and whoever's in it that it's all good for you too!
posted by ScottCrawley at 6:41 PM
Today is the best day we have had around here in awhile, so I'm feeling optimistic about Elliot returning to school Wednesday. Anxious, but knowing not every day will be as much of a battle as the past several have been. Hoping the best along with you for Anthony's first day :)
August 23, 2009 8:26 PM
Sunday, August 23, 2009
A world of wonder
I reflect on early days, I might have been three. The world was beautiful, and wondrous as can be. There was magic when I was a kid, in everything I saw, and everything I did. Remember the snow, how it crunched as we strolled. The chills up your spine when scary stories were told. The smell in the air after a cool spring rain. The shock and surprise of a first time pain. Do you recall how strong love used to feel? They say kids can't feel love, but we know it was real. The electric excitement of a young kiss. Those incredibly new feelings are things that I miss. A party to go to, we just couldn't wait. Even strong anger and feelings of hate. Seeing a bird fly high in the sky. Watching a newborn baby open it's eyes. A lovely young deer walking by a campfire. passion building, higher and higher. The closeness of friends, that warm special bond. All of these feelings we try to hold on. They lose some of the magic and intensity. No longer a wonder will this world be. We are all now used to the things that we feel. But once upon a time, the magic was real.
posted by ScottCrawley at 9:42 PM
Still, I'm surprised at times at the continued "magic and intensity" you described, at the ongoing wonder. Not always, but sometimes, and those are the moments that matter most to me.And, of course, given the title of this post, I couldn't help but recall these lyrics from Bruce Cockburn's song "World of Wonders":there's a rainbow shining in a bead of spittlefalling diamonds in rattling rainlight flexed on moving musclei stand here dazzled with my heart in flames (at this...)world of wonders...
August 23, 2009 10:46 PM
Monday, August 24, 2009
Good luck Tony!
Well my boy's off to school today. Not sure if he can handle it emotionally and make it through the year, but we'll see. He's all excited and happy, in his mind still thinking school's all fun and games. It won't take him long to realize there's work involved too. Yes, I'm still experiencing all of those emotions that parents feel at moments like these, and I keep telling myself that it's my Aspergers that makes these emotions so hard for me to handle. Plus I'm sure the depression doesn't help. I still have a hard time getting some people to understand that yes, everything that an autistic person experiences or goes through normal people go through too. People can have depression, or anxiety, or fears, etc. It's the ability to process these emotions, to handle them, to still be able to function and go on without having a meltdown, that's the main difference between the autistic and the normal. Even seeing someone that's Autistic trying to socialize and failing or not understanding, or even withdrawing is not easy for a normal person to understand. Right now in the state I'm in I can't handle being social at all. I have a hard time just going to the store or to see the phychs. I can express myself just fine with this keyboard, but put me in front of people and I'd panic, withdraw, stutter, etc. Unless I was singing. I'm still trying to explain about myself and the kids to Dawn. Some of it she can see now. She's know me nine years now and it's hard for her to relate to many of our issues. She's still having a hard time dealing with some of her own, although she is very much a people person so socialization is not one of them. She is starting to understand very well that I am on the edge. That I can't handle drama, or any kind of bad or negative emotion right now. That right now I really do want to be dead. She's seen my open wrist before, and she knows it's the kids that are keeping me going, keeping me here. I still don't know if I'll ever recover. I'm using this writing as therapy to help get all of these issues and emotions out of my head and it helps some. I still woke up this morning wishing I hadn't. It's the having to deal with emotions every day and how hard it is on my soul that makes me so suicidal I think. I'm not an expert, and right now I feel more like a lunatic so I don't know. Any thought's, idea's, suggestions, comments, jokes, etc. What ever. You know if you're reading this that I like the feedback, the attention, the love. As always, thanks for listening world.
posted by ScottCrawley at 11:33 AM
Scott you are a divine creation inspired by God and though it is hard to see how a condition like Aspergers or Autism can be divine, you do make a difference in this world. It is good you are using your keyboard as your voice, I hope my son will someday have that voice too, you help me to see him in a new light and for that I am grateful. You will make it one day at a time and I will pray for you and your children.
August 24, 2009 1:32 PM
Scott,Still loving it that you are here writing on your blog. I had a tough day today with Jared. He is 8. He was almost kicked out of the day camp for biting. He is not a malicious kid but I think he is so frustrated with being teased and trying to fit in that he lost it today and bit a kid. I don't condone his behavior and I explained that his choice was not the right one, but I can understand where he is coming from. The frustrating thing for me is trying to get normal people to understand that this behavior is not bad behavior per se, it is just him trying to release his frustration. I don't know how to explain the neurotypical world to him and I don't know how to explain the autistic world to neurotypicals. Any suggestions would be appreciated???? I'm so frustrated myself I could just cry!!
August 24, 2009 7:37 PM
Monday, August 24, 2009
A plea for help
Tonight I read the following comment on my posting from earlier today.......Laura said...Scott, Still loving it that you are here writing on your blog. I had a tough day today with Jared. He is 8. He was almost kicked out of the day camp for biting. He is not a malicious kid but I think he is so frustrated with being teased and trying to fit in that he lost it today and bit a kid. I don't condone his behavior and I explained that his choice was not the right one, but I can understand where he is coming from. The frustrating thing for me is trying to get normal people to understand that this behavior is not bad behavior per se, it is just him trying to release his frustration. I don't know how to explain the neurotypical world to him and I don't know how to explain the autistic world to neurotypicals. Any suggestions would be appreciated???? I'm so frustrated myself I could just cry!!First of all Laura, I feel for you deeply and can relate completely. I went through exactly the same kind of things with Tony in kindergarten and first grade. This is the reason I pulled him out of first grade and home schooled him for a year and a half. He was biting, and hitting and kicking both teachers and students. I was told by the school that there might be charges pressed when he bit his teacher hard enough to draw blood and she had to get a shot at the hospital. Through those first two years of school for him I tried different punishments, I tried talking and explaining to him that he could not behave in that way. He once was even pulled out of the school by the police officer that they have stationed there and taken to the mental health facility. For your sons the only thing I can recommend is repetition. Repeat, repeat, repeat. This is one of the few things that I consider my father doing right when he was raising me. Abusing me didn't help, although between him and my brother they made me too scared and insecure to lash out like our children do. Which does show you that your boy is raised in a loving environment. He's not scared to show his emotions. He doesn't keep them locked up inside like I've done most of my life. But yes, repeat what you are trying to teach him as much as you can, day after day. For some reason the mind of an autistic person has a hard time accepting any new information that conflicts with how they think or feel at that time. I can't explain why, I'm not an expert, I'm just living with it so I know. People also have to look at the fact that in his mind he's younger than his body's age. My son is eight and in his mind he's about four. My daughter is going to be five but she barely acts like a two year old. With me, I am almost forty, I have that many years of knowledge and experience with the world, I can pretend to be an adult quite well, but most of the time I still feel like a child myself. I'm guessing roughly around ten. The world has to understand that emotions are SO much more amplified with all the autistic, no matter where on the spectrum they fall. The sensory side of our brain is different too. I still can't stand raw cotton, don't know why. Any kind of emotional or sensory overload can send us into a meltdown, or even self-defense mode. Some could call it an instinct of self-preservation. This is why your son does what he does. It will take time and patience from everyone until he learns how to better control his emotions and understands how to control himself. I still have my doubts as to whether or not Tony is ready, but I'm trying him in school again this year. The first sign of trouble I'm going to pull him back out. No one with this condition should be expected to handle that type of environment until they are ready. Some of the autistic may never be. But all of the emotional and sensory issues in a school environment can cause multiple meltdowns in a single day. No one would want to be subjected to an environment they can't handle. There are normal people that are scared of spiders and wouldn't want to be put in a room full of them. The examples can go on and on. You as the parent will know how much your child can handle and if you don't feel he can take it pull him out. The main job of our schools in this country is nothing more than a training ground to teach our children how to conform to rules and regulations so they can grow and enter the working environment and pay their taxes. Our country isn't hard to figure out, it's just a big money machine and we're the ones keeping it going. So you can't expect the schools to really care about the children as much as parents do. They're just making their money and paying their taxes. We have to take a stand. We have to look out for our Aspergian and Autistic Angels.
posted by ScottCrawley at 8:04 PM
Laura and Scott, I am so with you on this as I prepare to send Elliot back to school (fortunately a developmental preschool that will work with kids on the spectrum) on Wednesday. He's been screaming/biting/kicking/spitting/hitting/throwing/breaking things around home lately, several meltdowns a day, though the last 2 have been MUCH better. I'm hopeful but realistically anxious about school. Good to know I am not alone in this.
August 24, 2009 8:53 PM
Scott,Thank You!! Your insight is very very much helpful. I know as parents we can only do the best we know how to do at the time. I just want my sons to be happy and well adjusted. I just want people to understand him and help him. Your friend,Laura P.S. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well. Please stay well!!
August 24, 2009 8:56 PM
"For some reason the mind of an autistic person has a hard time accepting any new information that conflicts with how they think or feel at that time."*bells ringing*That's a very concise way of putting it. It has taken me so long to figure that out about myself, to the point where I could actually explain to someone that I'm not capable of rational discussion when I'm feeling upset or threatened.
August 25, 2009 11:36 AM
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Fighting off the impulses again
Hello my friends. I hope you are doing good today. Today's another day for me to go see the phychs. I just finished printing out all of my posts. They asked me to bring them in. I guess it will give them a better look into my mind. It has all of you. Yesterday was hard. I don't know if it shows in my postings or not. I tried to keep myself in a positive mood. But all day long and into the night, the same overpowering impulse to just end it all was right there on my shoulder, trying to push me over the edge. Taking some of the quizzes on facebook helped, along with joking about the outcomes with a few close friends. Laura's comment on my posting helped. It again made me feel like I had some purpose in this life to stick around for. To help others dealing with autism to understand better and maybe find answers. I still think if the whole community of people dealing with autism or living with it would talk and communicate and search for the answers we'd all be better off. I think we'd find them. I don't feel like I'm really needed anymore by my children. I know they love me but my parents can handle them fine. My dad treats them both a hundred times better than he did me, perhaps due to me discovering his, mine, and Tony's Aspergers. I think he understands himself better now. I still personally would just rather be dead. I know I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to get attention. I'm sure not trying to attract a mate, all my writings would scare any girl off, lol. Besides I've already said I'm in no shape to handle all of the emotions that go along with that. I wouldn't be any good for anyone right now. I don't think I'm even any good for myself. Perhaps I should just tell the phychs to keep me under heavy sedation. I like that song by the Ramones. I wanna be sedated! It doesn't even matter to me what they think of me anymore. If they lock me up again, it's probably because I need it. I don't know, can someone be sane, intelligent, loving and caring, and still just want to die? I'm sorry if this is upsetting or hurting anyone out there reading this. That's not my intention. Again, this is just an attempt by me to sort all of this out inside my own twisted head. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can a person have some much love for the world, want nothing for himself, and still just want to leave? I don't know if this is even helping anymore. I just don't know. My kids are so beautiful. I hope the world loves them more than it hates them. Why didn't my brother ever love me? We were walking home once from school and this guy bigger than both of us was trying to fight with Brian. Brian just kept on walking as the guy shoved him time and time again. My emotions reached the point to where I couldn't take seeing my brother treated like that anymore, I exploded and jumped on his back, like a crazy little chimpanzee, flailing my arms and beating on him. He threw me in the ditch and started beating on me. I cried out for my brother to help............. He just kept walking away. Man, it hurts so bad still thinking about that. I've got a lump in the pit of my soul. Why has the world never loved me? I've always tried to be good, do the right things, have the right kind of values. My mother has loved me the same way she loves her dogs. She spoils them with attention too. She protects them. Takes them to the vet. But she doesn't understand them just like she's never understood me. I don't know my friends. I don't know how much longer I'll be around. I don't know how long I can resist the urge to go. Each day that passes gives me less of a reason to continue the fight to live. Maybe god will take me. I know I've got liver problems from taking way too many aspirin due to all the pain in my knees. Then there was that thirteen days of partying like a rock star where I was downing fifth's, smoking green, not eating, dropping twenty five pounds, and for a skinny kid that's alot. I've had two bad test results on my liver. I also suffer from low blood sugar. I have pain in my kidneys. These pills that the phychs have me on give me chest pains. They make my pulse race more than it normally does. Constant headaches. I'm sorry, I'm just dumping all of my problems on you guys, and you shouldn't be subjected to my misery. I will stop now. I love you all. I'll let you know what the phychs say, if I'm still a free man :) Take care and have a great day everybody!!
posted by ScottCrawley at 10:35 AM
Scott,Keep on holding on. I know this world is painful. Here is a poem for you:Footprints in the Sand One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there were one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you." Mary Stevenson I think of you often!! You are a tremendous help and can help others with Aspergers. With Love,Laura
August 25, 2009 9:21 PM
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
My only conclusion
I hope everyone is well today. As you know by reading my previous posts, I've been reflecting on past suicide attempts. They all happened at a period in my life where something very emotional was affecting me. Right now I don't feel that this is the case. I'm in a deep state of depression, I have been since last Thanksgiving at least, but there is no real serious drama going on in my life right now to make me feel this way. This thought is leading me to the answer that it has to be the anti-depressants making me feel this way. My trip to the phychs yesterday was really not a help. They took my stack of papers showing all my postings from this blog, told me to keep taking the meds in my current doses and let me go. So I feel like I'm not getting much help from them. They just view me as another patient to make money off from. I don't know what to do from here. I know suicide is not the answer so I'm sure I can continue to fight off the impulses even though at times they are very severe. I am just not sure if I should stop with the meds all together or not. I don't want to live like this, who would. It's hell going through life every day just wanting to die. I would appreciate any advice that anyone has on anti-depressants as far as what happens if you stop taking them. Does anyone think my depression will get worse? Should I stop taking the meds?
posted by ScottCrawley at 9:49 AM
Scott, please don't stop the meds!! I'm afraid it would make you feel worse. I tried going of of mine just to change to a NEWER & BETTER drug. I was going into it positive. I had been on the same drug for 14 yrs, then i seemed to need just a little something to help out, that's when my primary care physician suggested this new drug (He is on the board at Eli Lilly) so he says this drug is great. I had to go off of the original drug for about a week and then start the new drug. It was hell, Don't do it!! Even after the new drug kicked in it was still hell. I had to again go off of the new drug for a week to go back to the original old drug, this was not worth it to me. I have a very loving and supportive family and it was still a living hell. I won't try again, But I guess it isn't the same for everyone. My 20 yr old son (Aspergers diagnosis @ 13yr) went off of his 2 meds when he dropped off of our insurance at 19 yrs old. He ended up going to the Dr. and getting on a new antidepressant, he opted not to take the anti-psychotic this time. he is doing well, they did up his dose last month but he does seem to be doing better. He still doesn't work, but he is showing an interest in maybe learning to drive. He wouldn't even attempt the thought of driving without his meds. I know this is only one suggestion, but maybe you'll get enough answers to help you decide. Good luck and I hope you feel better,I have been there so I know how bad you want to feel better. Also, I also took my 20 yr old out of school when he was in 4th grade. You are right about the schools, we tried public and then a christian school that said they really would work with us, They ended up asking my son Scott to leave the school, even making my other son leave too. My child was so much happier not having those daily meltdowns! Good luck with your son too.
August 26, 2009 9:38 PM