Saturday, August 15, 2009
Fear is the biggest part of an aspergians/autistics soul. Fear of being discovered for who we really are. Fear of the world not accepting us, or wanting to destroy us because of our differences. Fear of the feeling of embarrassment, that can cause us to freeze and not function for minutes, which to us seems like hours. Often when we do speak we studder our words or pause out of fear. So many have such an overwhelming fear inside of them that they can't even speak. At least around others. And some not at all. Hiding inside of our heads where it's safe. This is more true of traditional autistic people as aspergians have the tendency to speak out more, sometimes to our own downfall. Sometimes we can't convey what we are trying to express and we end up looking foolish to everyone. Other times we seem like we are odd, strange geniuses and people are impressed with us. Some just see us as normal like everyone else. But yet we still have our fears. Fear of being alone, fear of trying something new. Yes everyone autistic and normal feels fears many times in their lives. Fear of speaking to a teacher or a boss. But normal people don't have panic and anxiety attacks from a normal meeting with someone of authority. They might be nervous to some extent, but they have no idea of the shaking, sweating, pulse quickening, the ringing in our ears, head down, just concentrating on what is happening in our bodies and not even hearing what the other person is saying to us. Fear never leaves the autistic. The feelings are so much more intense. You can see that fear is the biggest part of our lives when we can't look you in the eye. When we're afraid to socialize. Afraid to join your world. Because ours is safer. There are many feelings that humans deal with every day. But the autistic/aspergians out there have a harder time letting go. Forgetting, and moving on. Little things to everyone else are huge to us. And fear is #1.