Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Fighting off the impulses again
Hello my friends. I hope you are doing good today. Today's another day for me to go see the phychs. I just finished printing out all of my posts. They asked me to bring them in. I guess it will give them a better look into my mind. It has all of you. Yesterday was hard. I don't know if it shows in my postings or not. I tried to keep myself in a positive mood. But all day long and into the night, the same overpowering impulse to just end it all was right there on my shoulder, trying to push me over the edge. Taking some of the quizzes on facebook helped, along with joking about the outcomes with a few close friends. Laura's comment on my posting helped. It again made me feel like I had some purpose in this life to stick around for. To help others dealing with autism to understand better and maybe find answers. I still think if the whole community of people dealing with autism or living with it would talk and communicate and search for the answers we'd all be better off. I think we'd find them. I don't feel like I'm really needed anymore by my children. I know they love me but my parents can handle them fine. My dad treats them both a hundred times better than he did me, perhaps due to me discovering his, mine, and Tony's Aspergers. I think he understands himself better now. I still personally would just rather be dead. I know I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to get attention. I'm sure not trying to attract a mate, all my writings would scare any girl off, lol. Besides I've already said I'm in no shape to handle all of the emotions that go along with that. I wouldn't be any good for anyone right now. I don't think I'm even any good for myself. Perhaps I should just tell the phychs to keep me under heavy sedation. I like that song by the Ramones. I wanna be sedated! It doesn't even matter to me what they think of me anymore. If they lock me up again, it's probably because I need it. I don't know, can someone be sane, intelligent, loving and caring, and still just want to die? I'm sorry if this is upsetting or hurting anyone out there reading this. That's not my intention. Again, this is just an attempt by me to sort all of this out inside my own twisted head. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can a person have some much love for the world, want nothing for himself, and still just want to leave? I don't know if this is even helping anymore. I just don't know. My kids are so beautiful. I hope the world loves them more than it hates them. Why didn't my brother ever love me? We were walking home once from school and this guy bigger than both of us was trying to fight with Brian. Brian just kept on walking as the guy shoved him time and time again. My emotions reached the point to where I couldn't take seeing my brother treated like that anymore, I exploded and jumped on his back, like a crazy little chimpanzee, flailing my arms and beating on him. He threw me in the ditch and started beating on me. I cried out for my brother to help............. He just kept walking away. Man, it hurts so bad still thinking about that. I've got a lump in the pit of my soul. Why has the world never loved me? I've always tried to be good, do the right things, have the right kind of values. My mother has loved me the same way she loves her dogs. She spoils them with attention too. She protects them. Takes them to the vet. But she doesn't understand them just like she's never understood me. I don't know my friends. I don't know how much longer I'll be around. I don't know how long I can resist the urge to go. Each day that passes gives me less of a reason to continue the fight to live. Maybe god will take me. I know I've got liver problems from taking way too many aspirin due to all the pain in my knees. Then there was that thirteen days of partying like a rock star where I was downing fifth's, smoking green, not eating, dropping twenty five pounds, and for a skinny kid that's alot. I've had two bad test results on my liver. I also suffer from low blood sugar. I have pain in my kidneys. These pills that the phychs have me on give me chest pains. They make my pulse race more than it normally does. Constant headaches. I'm sorry, I'm just dumping all of my problems on you guys, and you shouldn't be subjected to my misery. I will stop now. I love you all. I'll let you know what the phychs say, if I'm still a free man :) Take care and have a great day everybody!!