Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Pretending to be normal
My whole life I've felt like I was different. I've had trouble understanding many things that to some are just normal, natural human behavior. As I grew through my childhood, every mistake or embarrassment would be embedded into my mind, allowing me to avoid future humiliation by making the same mistake. It still has never corrected my Aspergian mannerisms or ways of thinking. This learning process only allowed me to pretend I was like most of you, a normal person. And it worked quite well, as some of you still don't believe the experts and think this whole Aspergers/Autism explosion as of late is just people making excuses for their bad children or their own mistakes in life. Those in my family who have witnessed me grow through my life have no trouble believing it now. They see it in my father and they see it in my children. My mother can even recall autistic mannerisms in my grandmother on my fathers side. To me now it is so evident in my family and others that the debate should be over. It's genetic. The symptoms and side effects grow stronger with each new generation. In simple terms, I am more aspergian than my father, and my kids more than me. Again the question is, is this all evolution caused by our societies need to socialize less and less. Or is this a problem that needs to be stopped by warning our children about the dangers of having kids of their own. With my mind being both intelligent and confused at the same time I don't even want to speculate on the correct answer. I still can't accept the fact of this being caused by immunization shots. How would that cause it to be genetic. Well again I've wandered into a different topic so let's get back on track. I pretended to be one of the normal people. When the guys were all standing around talking about this girl or that girl and saying their rather vulgar and disgusting things about them, I would just smile and nod and in my mind be thinking, "How can they think like that. They're no better than animals!" I had no idea that this is exactly how women like men to be! Women would always say, "I wish I could find a nice guy. One who won't cheat, is loving and caring, etc." But they are only lying to themselves. They want their men to be men. I just never knew that until now. I often wondered why they would leave me and go after an obvious a#$hole? Now I can see it's just all part of the grand animalistic mating dance. Many times someone would tell a good joke that would make the room bust out in laughter, I was usually hanging out in the corner alone, but I would laugh and place the joke in my memory so I could use it later to help socialize with someone else. Many times in my life I've pretended, pretended to be one of the crowd, pretended to understand, pretended to be normal. Most schools today think that autistic kids should be main streamed, it will help to correct their problems and issues. It will make them grow up more normal. That's exactly what I've been through all my life, being autistic but treated as normal and it's been so devastating to my emotional state that every night I want to end it all. I don't want my kids to have that kind of life. I want them protected. I want everyone to know that they are autistic, and as such, they have a more fragile and amplified emotional state to them so they need to be treated with kindness and care. Little things that others can get over easy enough could take them years, or they might never get over it. So show them love, compassion, and understanding. I don't want them to go through life pretending to be normal. I want them to be understood and accepted for who they are.