I wake up with the usual dizziness, massive headache, completely sick feeling that these anti-depressants cause. Try to follow my usual morning routine of dressing the kids, checking my daughters sugar and giving her shots, fixing their breakfast and getting myself a cup of coffee so I can relax and try to deal with the way I feel.......but not today. Today it's mass confusion!
First of all, I don't know how much anyone knows about my situation, but a few weeks ago, after 20 some odd years on my own, and due to my seriously deep state of depression, I moved to my parents property. It's a smaller place the kid's and I are in now. It's a newer, two story barn that was nothing more than a garage and storage area that I had converted into a house. There's a living room and kitchen area downstairs, and the upstairs is converted into two bedrooms for the kids. It's been hard enough trying to get used to a new routine. Waking up every morning and walking my kids out of the barn, across the driveway and into my parents house so the 3 of us can use the bathroom, get out of our p.j.'s etc.
Well, because of the move, and having too many possessions, my parents are having a yard sale. So we stumble out of the barn this morning to all kinds of extra people, some that know us, some extended family members, and strangers here to buy things. The not normal routine is enough to send all 3 of us into panic attacks etc, but I try to stay calm. My daughter goes into hysterics as some of her older toys are being taken away by someone, my son is distracted from even wanting to eat with all of the noise and confusion. I want so bad just to scream at everyone "Go away! Leave us alone!"
But I just try to make the best of it and go on with doing what I have to do. It's strange to me how here on the Internet I want as much interaction as I can get. The more people that talk to me the better. But here in the real world I would rather be left alone. Wondering what all these extra people here think of me, the extra strange feelings coursing through my veins and soul. Being worried about how all of this is affecting my kids and if this will bother them years down the road. Wondering if they will understand the jokes, and attention these extra people are giving them, if they will know that no one here is trying to hurt them or make them feel bad. As a kid when I was in a situation like this, with extra people around, I took everything anyone said to me as serious and truthful. Extended family would pick and say cute things, but to me it was harmful and embarrassing. Are my children going through these same feelings now? I will do my best to deal with everything today, and it's hard for me to let go of possessions that have been with us for so long. I just have to keep telling myself " It will all be o.k.!" My son isn't making eye contact with anyone but me. My daughter's off hiding by herself. I ask my son, "Can you look Aunt Angie in the eye?" He is unable to. Unlike me who most of the time keeps his feelings locked in around people, my son expresses everything he is feeling to everyone. A result of me raising him to understand his aspergers perhaps? He will say or do something cute and people will react as they normally do around children, they will laugh. He will shout out, "Stop laughing at me!" Again, as I've had to do many times in the past, I will have to explain to him that they are not laughing at him, they just think he's a cute, adorable little boy. I know it doesn't take away all the bad feelings that he's experiencing. But I hope it helps. I'm also trying to reach as many people as possible hoping that my writings might help them with the aspergians in their lives. Please help me by spreading the word to your friends. Thanks.