Saturday, August 29, 2009
Reaching out for acceptance
When I young, like my children are now, I had no idea how to relate to the world other than what my Aspergian mind had learned. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be loved. I knew at the early age of four that I had a mother who loved and cared for me, but also knew that I lived in a hostile environment where I could receive both physical and mental abuse from my father and brother at any moment that my autistic mannerisms set them off. Again, like I've said in previous postings, with someone who is autistic, the world either likes them right away or hates them instantly. There is none of the, "Well, they're alright, I guess." like there is with normal people. Most of the time in my life it has been hate that I've received from people I meet. There is something they pick up on, and I've seen it with other Aspergers/Autistic people that I know the same way, people just don't like something about us. Our one tracked minds maybe, our not understanding, not making eye contact, the list can go on and on but it's a hard and hostile world for us out there. But also there is some kind of magic about us. Some people meet us and really like us. Sometimes to the point of wanting to possess us or molest us. This is especially true of autistic children. It seems like everyone that meets my kids fall in love with them. "Oh, they're so beautiful. They're so precious!" The only thing I see while people are complimenting and paying attention to my children is possible predators. Perhaps again because of my own experiences when I was younger. It started when I was around four. My mother was younger and more of a partier in those days. She had friends who liked to drink and cruise around with her, etc. She didn't know that these women she partied with also had no morals when it came to sex. Later on in life I've found out that the whole family, father and mother, sons, daughters, aunts and uncles, all took advantage of each other and molested the younger ones. I know if my mom would have know this about these people she wouldn't have associated with them. But my mom has always had the belief that deep down most people are good. She's learned a lot in my life that has shown her different. So these two grown women who were sisters always were paying attention to me, kissing me and having me sit on their laps. Their daughters would play with me like kids do, but sometimes get fresh with me too. As young as I was I had no idea what was going on or what to do. As time went on, I was taught mainly how to use my tongue to pleasure the women, and the younger girls eventually made the same request of me. Everything that happened to me at that age was scary, weird, and not pleasant. This is not a grown mans fantasy, this is a little boy being molested by a sick family because they thought he was cute. Or maybe they just somehow knew I wouldn't say nothing. The only thing good about this whole experience and others while I was young is that I've never been molested by a man. Like my son, I gravitated more towards women, would open up and be friendlier with them. Eventually my mom stopped partying and hanging out with this family. I heard later on when I was older that one of the girls in that family had lost her mind and wound up in an institution from all the molesting her father and uncles did to her. I am extremely protective of my children now. I've never been comfortable with sex my whole life, I don't even desire it now, and I don't want my kids to be ruined for life. I don't want them to have the bad feelings, nightmares, etc that go along with having a past like I, or I'm sure some of you do. I beg you all to be extra protective of your little ones. Most people think that only men are capable of such acts but I'm proof that this is just not so. Women like sex and can be just as sick and perverted and selfish as men can be. Our children are special and they do require extra love and attention because they are autistic. Just keep an eye on who they're getting that attention from. I do every single day. Thanks for reading my friends. I welcome your thoughts, or comments.