God's Love Shines down on us all

God's Love Shines down on us all
I Love You All, Blessed Be

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Wrestling with my suicidal impulses

Last night was incredibly hard. I had to really concentrate and focus on my children just to keep from ending it all. I am still not sure if these extreme thoughts and feelings are a side effect of the anti-depressants I am on, if it's a result of the deep state of depression I am in, or if it is simply part of my Aspergers. I can remember when I was young and any little thing would go wrong I felt an impulse to destroy myself because I felt defective. My son used to bang his head so hard on the floor that he would have baseball sized goose eggs on his forehead. My daughter will slap and hit herself or even bite herself hard enough to bleed. She will do incredibly dangerous stunt for a thrill without worrying about her own safety. I was the same way as a teenager. Jumping on and off of moving trains, climbing to the top of bridges and walking out on support wires, even hopping out of my own car while it was going down the road and running over my own foot! The other people in the car were quite alarmed. So I really can't tell where these thoughts and impulses are coming from I just know it is an extremely hard struggle I am going through. Most of the time I simply don't want to exist anymore. There doesn't seem to be any joy in life anymore outside of my children. I have zero sexual thought or impulses, food is just something to fill my stomach, I don't even care what it is anymore. I haven't went out into the world in weeks and when I do it's usually due to some kind of appointment like with the phychs. When it's quiet my mind will start to focus on the question of if there is anything after death. I will start to have a debate inside of my own head between the side of me that still has faith in god, and the other side of me that thinks we are all just animals and when we're dead, we're just dead. Sometimes it seems I can really feel gods love and guidance, and other times I look at the world and see these overly sexed, possessive, half crazy animals running around only thinking about their own wants and desires. Then thoughts start to run through my head, why am I still here, why don't I just leave. What's the point to all of this. You're children will be fine. Life goes on for everyone until it's over and then we're all better off. After hours and hours of all of this self torture, I look at myself in the mirror and scream inside of my own head, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" I'm still searching for that answer. But I don't think I will ever find it.


  1. Scott, this post really hit me hard. I've had a lifelong struggle with suicidal impulses. I know the "any little thing would go wrong I felt an impulse to destroy myself" feeling too well. I've had 2 failed suicide attempts (overdoses), and have been hospitalized a handful of times. Things feel better since I learned of Asperger's last year (I'm 36)...suddenly I don't feel like I'm "just plain defective." I have something that many other people have "wrong" with them too. But I have problems with deep depressions and occasional mild mania. I am scared to death that one of my depressions will hit and make me suicidal again. Feeling like a broken soul is hard on an average day, but when a depression kicks in, it can be fatal. Even when I get racey I can become suicidal. It's weird. Strange. Hard.

    I dunno....I don't have any advice or anything of any real substance to say,...I just wanted to let you know your post impacted me.

  2. Scott,

    I feel the same as you. What is life about anyway? It seems that everyone is in it for themselves and don't give a damn about anybody but themselves. There is dissension in families and the more techologically advanced we get the more we care less about the feelings of others. Maybe it's a 40 thing, as I'm turning 40 in October, but I too question if there is really life after death or maybe we are just a higher order of animals since we show the animalisitc nature in a "civilized" society....

    Thank you for your thoughts!! I created a blog too! Challenges of an Aspergian mom. My oldest son has Aspergers and I think my brother (who passed in 2006) had it as well!!

    I do think, however, that our happiness in the next life, is directly related to what we learn in this life. I think if we prematurely end our own life here, we will directly affect our happiness in the next life.

    Take Care,

    One of your followers,

    Laura Hafner