Thursday, August 13, 2009
Haunted by the Past
As I lie here in my bed, desperately trying to clear my mind, to silence it, to rest. Again, as with most nights, I am haunted by my past. Chills run over every inch of my body, my soul feels anxious and alert. I want to just stand up in my mind and scream at myself, " Relax! Calm Down! Go to sleep! " The video's continue to run in my mind, in order it seems. First of early days, and simpler dreams. They still cause me fear and make me feel cold. But I can handle them, their pain is very old. As my torment continues, I toss and I turn. All of these memories, I want so bad to burn. Sleep is so eluding, and now I am back in school. With kids I admire, with kids who were cool. They never saw me, like I tried to convey. I would fail and get picked on, day after day. Sweat is beading up on the top of my brow. I am seeing and hearing my fathers words now. " Don't talk back!" was what he would say. He would never answer my questions, not one single day. If I would pursue, trying to learn what was right, he didn't want to answer, he just wanted to fight. I breath heavy and sigh, trying to quiet my head. Still tossin, and turning, messing up the bed. Most jobs weren't any better, and I've had alot. Most wouldn't accept this man named Scott. Other's would advance, I'd be left behind. " Why did that happen to me? " keeps running through my mind. I look at the clock, it's five a.m. I think to myself, " Another sleepless night again!" Aspergers, I know now, is why this happens to me. But I can't fix it, I just have to let it be.