God's Love Shines down on us all

God's Love Shines down on us all
I Love You All, Blessed Be

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Lack of Consideration

Hello my friends. It's another day in this crazy, messed up but still beautiful world for all of us. As usual, I woke up sick from the meds, as the day goes on I just feel more high than anything else so it's ok. I can deal with it. After taking a few day's to get settled at her man of the moment's house, Dawn called. She never really asks much about how the kids or I are doing when she calls. Most of the time it's because she's bored or upset and needs someone to talk to. Self-centered. Knowing that I'm living in the state of insanity right now, you'd think she'd refrain from talking to me about her and some other guy's life. Not that it brings up any jealousy issues with me, we've been apart way too long for that. But it does make me feel sad and completely unloved that she will do that, but never wanted me to act like that. In the four years that we've been apart I only had one girlfriend. Like most people, including Dawn, if you have a significant other in your life, they're gonna come up in conversation. But if I did that I would always get, "Don't talk about her to me! I don't wanna hear about that b!#ch!" So as this twenty minute phone call drags on it's all about Teddy this and Teddy that and his apartment is so messy I had to clean it up.......etc. The whole time my mind is thinking, "How can she sit there and treat me like this. With no consideration for my mood or state of mind?" Her conversation always ends with, "Give the kids kisses and hugs for me." I never do. If she wanted that she'd try to see them more. But like the last time she was down here, we'll see her once every couple of weeks when she's bored. Then when her life goes bad down here and she can't get help from me she'll run back up to Michigan to be with her man up there. Sometimes I'd just like to slap myself across the face for being with her in the first place. But I'll never be sorry for having my kids. I love them more than life itself. I think I do like it better when she's in Michigan. I hear from her less and therefore it causes me less stress and anxiety. I feel like she looks at all guys the same. Yeah, they look different on the outside, but to her it doesn't matter who she's with, as long as someone is there to take care of her. She's willing to wait tables for money to buy green, or cigs, or her personal things. I don't know. I need to get my mind off from her before I sink further into depression. Let's see..........hmmmmm........oh well, I tried can't do it. My mind just took me back to another suicide attempt. It was when Dawn was pregnant with Tony. I was working at Motor City Casino in Detroit and living in a very small, but cute apartment in Jackson, Michigan. As usual it was a case where she wanted things her way and I had a different opinion, she pushes my stress level to the roof, and then tells me she's going to get an abortion and walks out. I couldn't see it back then but Dawn uses drama to get the things she wants. She figures if she throws a big enough fit and pushes enough buttons she'll get her way. She never really intended on getting an abortion, but like most of my life, I took those words as true. So after drinking about half of a fifth of Jack Daniels, I opened my wrist. I cut clear down to the tendon. If I moved my hand and bent my wrist you could see the tendon slide back and forth working the way it should. I was bleeding severely, but didn't hit the artery otherwise I'd probably have been gone. A friend came over and patched my drunken broken soul up. What does Dawn say when she finds out about this? "I wanna see it. Come over to my house." Again, that should've been a big clue to me. Aspergers and mindblindness. How I love it. So I go over and show her, in her pregnant state seeing my wrist causes her to throw up, and then she wants sympathy from me for how she feels! Sometimes I feel like a genius and other times I feel so retarded. How could I have been with her for five years and had a second child with her. I don't know. Maybe you have some answers my friends, my listeners and followers of my posts. Talk to me. Let me know what you think. Maybe I've just been insane all along. I don't know...........

1 comment:

  1. Hey, Scott. I'm so sorry to hear that things are tough for you.

    I hope to be able to read more about your situation. You are an excellent writer.

    Jenn (from school) :)