Monday, August 17, 2009
Will I ever recover?
As I continue to battle my depression, my suicidal impulses, my inability to go out into the world unless I am forced to, I am starting to wonder if I will ever recover. It seems that through my forty years of struggling to live and be accepted as an aspergian in this world, each major downfall in my life has had a significant impact on me and my soul. I don't even think I would be considered functional anymore, unless it is on this keyboard or taking care of my children. My mother has had to take over other responsibilities in my life. She handles my money, she has custody of my children, decisions seem to be hard for me to make anymore. She will ask me a question dealing with a life issue and I pause, stutter, can't seem to come up with the answer. My mind starts to spin and the fear takes over of making a bad decision, even a simple one. I reflect back on my career in the casino industry and wonder who that person was. The Scott back then seemed to have more of his life in control. I still dealt with aspergian issues, but I was functioning in the world. I had focus. I then start to wonder if the way I am now is due to my aspergers, my depression, or if it is a result of the many blows to the head I've had in my lifetime. I just don't know. I do know that more than ever, I feel like I was pushed over the edge, and I'm no longer sane. The psychs don't seem to care, they just want to know how the pills are making me feel so they can decide if they should change my perscription, it's all about the money to them. Am I now living proof that the autistic shouldn't be let out free to roam the world. If we are allowed to function as normal humans, will it only end up being our downfall later on in life. Again, I don't know. I hope not. I do know that the world needs to know more about our heightened emotional state, that we can only take so much, or I'm afraid more of us will break down and become nonfunctional, as I have. But then again, maybe I'm just a fool whose cheese has slipped off from his cracker. You decide world. My future posts should determine that.