Saturday, August 15, 2009
Wrestling with my suicidal impulses
Last night was incredibly hard. I had to really concentrate and focus on my children just to keep from ending it all. I am still not sure if these extreme thoughts and feelings are a side effect of the anti-depressants I am on, if it's a result of the deep state of depression I am in, or if it is simply part of my Aspergers. I can remember when I was young and any little thing would go wrong I felt an impulse to destroy myself because I felt defective. My son used to bang his head so hard on the floor that he would have baseball sized goose eggs on his forehead. My daughter will slap and hit herself or even bite herself hard enough to bleed. She will do incredibly dangerous stunt for a thrill without worrying about her own safety. I was the same way as a teenager. Jumping on and off of moving trains, climbing to the top of bridges and walking out on support wires, even hopping out of my own car while it was going down the road and running over my own foot! The other people in the car were quite alarmed. So I really can't tell where these thoughts and impulses are coming from I just know it is an extremely hard struggle I am going through. Most of the time I simply don't want to exist anymore. There doesn't seem to be any joy in life anymore outside of my children. I have zero sexual thought or impulses, food is just something to fill my stomach, I don't even care what it is anymore. I haven't went out into the world in weeks and when I do it's usually due to some kind of appointment like with the phychs. When it's quiet my mind will start to focus on the question of if there is anything after death. I will start to have a debate inside of my own head between the side of me that still has faith in god, and the other side of me that thinks we are all just animals and when we're dead, we're just dead. Sometimes it seems I can really feel gods love and guidance, and other times I look at the world and see these overly sexed, possessive, half crazy animals running around only thinking about their own wants and desires. Then thoughts start to run through my head, why am I still here, why don't I just leave. What's the point to all of this. You're children will be fine. Life goes on for everyone until it's over and then we're all better off. After hours and hours of all of this self torture, I look at myself in the mirror and scream inside of my own head, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" I'm still searching for that answer. But I don't think I will ever find it.