Monday, August 24, 2009
Good luck Tony!
Well my boy's off to school today. Not sure if he can handle it emotionally and make it through the year, but we'll see. He's all excited and happy, in his mind still thinking school's all fun and games. It won't take him long to realize there's work involved too. Yes, I'm still experiencing all of those emotions that parents feel at moments like these, and I keep telling myself that it's my Aspergers that makes these emotions so hard for me to handle. Plus I'm sure the depression doesn't help. I still have a hard time getting some people to understand that yes, everything that an autistic person experiences or goes through normal people go through too. People can have depression, or anxiety, or fears, etc. It's the ability to process these emotions, to handle them, to still be able to function and go on without having a meltdown, that's the main difference between the autistic and the normal. Even seeing someone that's Autistic trying to socialize and failing or not understanding, or even withdrawing is not easy for a normal person to understand. Right now in the state I'm in I can't handle being social at all. I have a hard time just going to the store or to see the phychs. I can express myself just fine with this keyboard, but put me in front of people and I'd panic, withdraw, stutter, etc. Unless I was singing. I'm still trying to explain about myself and the kids to Dawn. Some of it she can see now. She's know me nine years now and it's hard for her to relate to many of our issues. She's still having a hard time dealing with some of her own, although she is very much a people person so socialization is not one of them. She is starting to understand very well that I am on the edge. That I can't handle drama, or any kind of bad or negative emotion right now. That right now I really do want to be dead. She's seen my open wrist before, and she knows it's the kids that are keeping me going, keeping me here. I still don't know if I'll ever recover. I'm using this writing as therapy to help get all of these issues and emotions out of my head and it helps some. I still woke up this morning wishing I hadn't. It's the having to deal with emotions every day and how hard it is on my soul that makes me so suicidal I think. I'm not an expert, and right now I feel more like a lunatic so I don't know. Any thought's, idea's, suggestions, comments, jokes, etc. What ever. You know if you're reading this that I like the feedback, the attention, the love. As always, thanks for listening world.