Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
When your heart is filled with love
You can fly so high
You can touch the sky & stars above
With a relaxing sigh
When there's no love in your heart
you feel so down and low
like your whole world's been torn apart
pain is all that you know
When your friends are all around
joy and happiness are here
fun and laughter are all brand new
your soul knows no fear
When your sad and all alone
you don't want to exist
Emptiness and loneliness have grown
It's the good times that you miss
Written by Scott Crawley..........Posted by Pauline Crawley
Friday, September 11, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
your noteBetween You and John Elder RobisonJohn Elder RobisonAugust 10 at 2:34pmScott, how exactly did you believe I might help? I am a writer, and people may find solace in my ideas. However, I am not a mental health professional or doctor. What do you think you need?Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 3:49pmHi John I am glad that you are answering me. I am being treated at a mental health center for severe depression and my aspergers/autism. But the main thing they do is just continue to try different anti-depressants on me. The first thing I need from you, you're giving me right now, a chance to talk to someone that understands what I've been going through my whole life. Most people that know me don't understand or refuse to even believe that I suffer from anything. I know that when I read some of your blogs, your ideas and thoughts were the same as mine. I read on your page about you having a low period which is where I think I am at now. And I felt like maybe you could show me a way to start coming out of this. My life right now consists of taking care of my kids on a schedule due to my daughters diabetes, and trying to help them with their aspergers/autism issues plus trying to fix myself and come out of this depressive state. Each morning I wake up and wish I hadn't. Suicidal thoughts are in my mind every day, I don't know if it's from the aspergers or the anti-depressants, but it's the love for my kids and wanting to continue to take care of them that keeps me from acting on my impulses. I have always felt like an alien on this planet unsucessfully trying to relate to people. Music has always been the biggest thing in my life and going to bars and singing in front of strangers and hearing all the complements and applause after is the only time I ever feel accepted. But even then I still feel out of place and can only say thank you to them. I really don't know what I am asking you for, and right now my mind has taken a left turn again but if you have any advice or ideas, I am gonna try the son-rise program from the autism center of america for my daughter to try to get her talking. She'll be 5 in october.Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 5:40pmSo anyways, I've had some time to unscramble all the thoughts in my head and I think what I am asking you for is insight on when there have been severe lows or times of depression in your life how did you deal with it or come out of it. Also, If you have found ways of correcting some of your aspergers issues that maybe I might find useful. Any help you can give me would be most appreciated. Thanks.Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 7:12pmI guess another reason I felt connected to you is the whole music aspect. I know I have the same kind of gift as you for hearing music better than most. I can listen to songs and separate them to just hearing one part at a time. But coordination has alway been a problem for me too. I did try really hard and won several medals in high school and played in bar bands and like I said earlier I still go out to karaoke bars and sing and always manage to impress the people there. I've been asked by strangers to sing at their wedding but because of the social anxiety issues I couldn't go through with it.I have been abused by my dad and my brother, kids in school, and by two different women that I've had relationships with including my kids mom. Like you here I am almost 40 before discovering aspergers has been my problem and now I am trying to deal with the reality of that. I've always known I was different but I guess in my mind I still had hopes of turning out like everyone else. Again I think my mind is starting to wander so I will stop for now. Thank you for listening to me and any advice is appreciated.Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 9:15pmI was wondering, reading through your blogs and other info, have you found any way to stop being haunted by the past. Right now phych's have got me taking Benedryl to help me sleep. It works, but some nights I still wake up and my mind starts working and everything bad that's happened to me since age 4 starts rolling through my head. Bad experiences with family, school, jobs I've had, etc. I was born with bad knee's, I've had 4 surgeries on them, and actually need a 5th on my right knee. My career was in the casino business, I've helped open casino's in Louisiana, Michigan ( where I grew up ), and California. But now I am on disability because of my knees and raising my kids has become my full time job. I wish I could find a way to keep my mind on one track instead of several, have you found a way to do that, or don't you suffer from that issue? Time to stop again, I appologize if I am just bugging you. If you can't or don't want to help me just let me know and I'll continue my search for answers. This whole thing has kinda become an obsession of mine but I know your a busy man. Thanks again for listening John.John Elder RobisonAugust 10 at 9:18pmI too am haunted by the past at times, and I spiral down into depression as you describe. My success is moderating those things has been mixed. I wish I could offer you some quick advice, but I'm not sure there is any. For me, success cures depression, and success is damned elusive at times.Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 9:28pmI know what you mean by success being elusive. All of my life before my kids I only dreamed of playing, writing, and singing music. But I knew by my 20's that It would be an unfufilled dream because the music industry isn't just about talent, it's also about looks and performance, which I lack. Now my main dream is to figure out myself and my children and try to give them some measure of sucess in whatever talents they begin to develop. My son already is an excellent singer, but with coordination issues like me, I don't know if that will happen. My daughter show's alot of interest with playing drums and beats. Perhaps she might be a drummer. But there's still time for me to discover their talents and help to develop them. I just wish I could get out of this state of mind of just doing the daily routine and hiding from the world. Another question on my mind is I know you've had some sucess, but does money or material things mean anything to you or make you happy? I know it does alot of people, including my father ( who is also aspergian ) but I don't seem to have that joy. I only spend when I have to and don't even like shopping.Scott CrawleyAugust 10 at 10:14pmI am glad that you are letting me write to you about my issues and problems. Other than my children or my father, I feel like I can tell you these things without you thinking anything strange about me. And I've never had a good relationship with my father. Since I discovered our families aspergers/autism through my son, we are more at ease with each other and I think he understands what I'm going through better than before, but we still don't hardly talk. We've had too much of a violent past. And my kids are too young to relate to my problems and I'm too busy trying to solve theirs. Anytime you want to talk to me about your problems, I'm sure I can relate and maybe we can end up helping each other through hard times or difficulties. Even if it's just questions you have about me, don't be afraid to ask. Well I've taken my pills for the night so I will stop for now. Thank you again John and I hope we can continue to talk.Scott Crawleyp.s. Have a good night!Scott CrawleyToday at 9:06amGood morning John. I read what you wrote and hope you are on your way back up. I have been saying that to family for awhile now. I keep telling them " I worry too much, but I can't help it ". I think that's one of the reasons I don't like to spend money. I have this fear that I will be broke one day and some big emergency will happen where I'll need money but not have none. This morning as I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for my children to wake up, I started to think about the title of your book to keep the other bad thought out of my head. With me it's always been " Why don't you smile Scott " or " I never see you smile " and yet I can't count the number of times in my life where I have. I do enjoy good humor, and sometimes just smile because I have an overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement running through my body that I can't even explain. But people only see us the way we are most of the time I guess. Well It's 9 am here and my kids woke up. Got to check my daughters sugar and feed them breakfast. Try to have a great day John. I'll do the same. :)Scott CrawleyToday at 10:46amI have come to believe that fear is an aspergian's/autistic's biggest enemy. I think the fear is really a survival instinct because we are smart enough from the time we are old enough to think to know that the majority of the world won't accept or tolerate us and our behaviors. But we see it more as fear of not being accepted, fear of what people will say, think, or do to us. And as we grow we realize that we have some kind of photographic memory that won't let us forget the bad things in our lives. We keep playing the video's over and over again and again in our heads. Trying to make some sense of it, thinking of ways we could have done things differently. Wondering why those people couldn't understand us, or show some compassion and understanding. The majority of us go through life, like I have up until recently, pretending to be like everyone else. Not talking about the issues that we go through out of fear of people seeing who we really are. I don't know if admitting my fears and talking about my issues to the world will help me win the battle or not. But I do see that you're fighting the same kind of war.Scott CrawleyToday at 10:56amAnother thing that I have come to believe is this thing that alot of us in the world are going through isn't any kind of disease or developmental disability. I think it is evolution. We now live in a world where people are interacting socially less and less than they were a hundred years ago. Most of us pay for our gas at the pumps, we do our shopping and communicating online. We can even work or go to school without leaving our homes. I look at my grandmother on my father's side and how she was, and my father, and then myself and my children, and can see that it's genetic. It also get's worse with every generation. But is it really getting worse? Or are we simply evolving into a more intelligent human that needs social skills less? What do you think John?Scott CrawleyToday at 12:01pmSometimes I feel like everyone on this planet is living in their own unique little world and the things that I say to them come across like a different language so they end up perceiving what I'm trying to communicate in an entirely different way and my whole point gets lost in the confusion. And yet they seem to talk to each other so easily and without effort. I don't get it.Scott CrawleyToday at 12:05pmI try to use either my singing or humor to connect with people and get them to understand and like me. Sometimes it's successful but it's like throwing darts in the dark. I think I miss more than hit. I still feel like I don't completely understand humor. I've learned alot from tv, movies, etc. I can tell alot of jokes. But at times I feel like my timing is way off. I don't know.Loading...Scott CrawleyToday at 1:50pmPeople seem to have a hard time dealing with the autistic. When I was younger my half-brother, from my mother, used to lock me in the closet every time the parents weren't around. It would send me into an instant panic-attack and I would cry, scream, kick the walls and the door but still would not be let out until it was time for my parents to get home. I guess it was easier for him than trying to put up with my issues and how I was. He has never shown any kind of love for me and yet I still have a deep brotherly love for him. There's even pic's of him and I on my facebook page. There is just something about people like us that sets alot of normal people off and they want to treat us badly. It seems to me like all we are trying to do is fit in and be accepted and loved.Scott CrawleyToday at 2:07pmMost of the time I feel like a kid trapped inside of my head trying unsuccessfully to control my actions and my interactions.John Elder RobisonToday at 2:17pmHave you ever thought of writing a blog where you could share these stories with the world? That might be a good thing for you . . .John Elder RobisonToday at 2:17pmThere are quite a few people who would find what you have shared with me interesting.John Elder RobisonToday at 2:18pmThey would talk back to you and engage in conversation, which would be good . . . You can make a blog on blogger, then link it to FAcebook you your blog entries post here. Facebook is good for short comments; blogger is the place for longer essaysScott CrawleyToday at 2:57pmI don't know. I do know that my mom is out doing some shopping for me because I still have a hard time venturing out into the world and I called her and asked her to look for your book and pick it up for me. I haven't read books since school but I'm hoping maybe there are some answers for me in there. I know I have some writing skill, but my thoughts seem to get so scrambled and my mind sometimes is on ten different tracks at the same time. And there's still that whole fear thing deep in the pit of my soul. At times I feel like I can talk to people and at other times I just stare at the screen reading what the people in michigan that I grew up with write to me, and I can't even touch the keyboard. Again, it's easier to say the things I've said to you because I know we both go through similar problems. Plus I feel like I have more skill in writing song lyrics. For example1/26/09 by Scott CrawleyLYNNSAYYou left on a cold nightI felt so aloneJust me, my guitar and this old microphoneI felt so inspired to write a love songAnd the letters in your nameWere all that wasn’t wrongL is for the love that's in your eyesY I never ever compromiseN y time you want me babe I’m yoursN y where you go forever moreS ay right now forever you’ll be mineA lways and forever for all timeY ou and me, lynnsay were meant to beAs I sang those words alone to myselfI realized you were all of my wealthSo I staggered over and picked up the phoneTold her I was wrong, and again I would’t roamChorusBridgeAs I sang those letters she criedAnd In my heart a little I diedI still love her soI still need her to knowSolochorusBut again, it just goes into my collection. I don't know. I know its the fear that keeps me from doing alot in life. And I try really hard to be strong. But it's still something that never seems to go away. It's part of me. Holding onto my soul, refusing to let go and let me live life.Scott CrawleyToday at 3:24pmMost of the time when I write song lyrics or even music, which I haven't done in years, I often picture someone else recording the song. Not because I don't like to sing and play and make music, but because on stage I can't move, or dance, or perform like musical artists do. When I sing in the bars it's easier because alot of people just stand there and sing, there's no pressure to put on a show, and so all of my feelings and emotions just pour out and people cheer. The only songs I like to sing are ballads with emotion and lyrics that I can relate to. I don't know John, maybe you're right, maybe I should put more out in blogs, but I don't know if I can. I have a hard time on facebook saying more than just jokes to try to get friends attention and every once in a while saying something about aspergers/autism and getting little or no response from them. I don't know, I just don't know.......Scott CrawleyToday at 3:49pmI went to blogger.com, signed up an account. When I got to the creating a blog that's when It all went bad. What do I name the blog? Do I use my real name? What's gonna happen when people read what I've wrote? Do I use the things I've been writing to John. How do I link any of this to facebook? Then the fear set in so I just came back to facebook and I'm writing this to you. Do you experience fears like this when you're writing or even reading what people are writing to you? I imagine you do.
posted by ScottCrawley at 4:18 PM
Scott, you are welcome to joing Raising Autism at http://www.raisingautism.co.nr/ or our Countering facebook group at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=91368243169.We'll be happy to talk with you and offer you support. :-)Many of us have blogs that may have information of interest to you, and at the very least, you will know that you are not alone, that people do care and will listen.
August 11, 2009 6:05 PM
You're definitely not alone, Scott. I'll return and write more later (right now my sleepless 2-year-old needs a walk and my restless 5-year-old on the autism spectrum is finally settling down). Just know you are important and worth knowing and not the only alien walking this planet.Dawn
August 11, 2009 7:34 PM
Scott, I think you do a fine job of writing and communicating what it feels like to be Aspergian. Don't be intimidated by Blogger; it'd be a great place for you to keep a sort of diary about what you're experiencing, and would be invaluable for educating others about the struggles autistic or Aspergian folk have. But also about their skills and talents, hopes, fears, and dreams--that's very important. I think you will find you're a better communicator than you thought you were--and that you are not alone in this. Good luck to you, and I'll look for your blog. ;)
August 11, 2009 8:01 PM
Dear Scott,Starting a new blog is really unnerving. I am glad you overcame that.I couldn't read the whole blog .... I'm a little scattered at the moment .... but I'll come back and read more.We're out here, Scott. Thanks for the leg up!!
August 11, 2009 8:52 PM
Scott ~ First, I just wanted to Thank You for sharing your blog! Next, I am a Mom of a 9 yr old son with Autism. It's people like you that help me do my job - you offer insight that I've been so desperate for. My son can interact, has communication issues and wants to be social all of which are inappropriate for his age. You've inspired me beyond words - speaking of words your song/lyrics - were phenominal sp? ... I think you have talent and a voice that needs to be heard. I also believe you will be amazed by the welcome that so many parents, professionals and your ASD peers would be grateful for!! Bring it on! Thanks again
August 11, 2009 9:37 PM
Mark Holmes said...
Sometimes talking through your fears is the best way to overcome them. A blog is a good way to do that; blog about what you're worried about, what's stressing you out, and discuss with people. Educate the general public about what an Aspergian (Aspie) goes through, and you may find a sense of satisfaction via helping others. If you're worried that you're not normal, or if a thought's totally off the deep end, talk to a group of people to get their input, then you can make your own decision on whether green Jello really goes well with parmesan cheese. Therapists are professionally trained and most of the time their advice is the best for your particular case, as they've had the most direct contact with you. But there's no substitute for a group of friends that know you, telling you that, for example, green Jello does in fact go better with cheddar.Keep blogging, we'll keep responding. Know that no matter how bad your life gets, it will always get better - like a sound wave, it's got ups and downs. Over time your volume will increase and when you recover from the lows, one day you'll realize you're higher than you were a few months back. It takes time, but it's worth the effort.
August 11, 2009 9:45 PM
Sustenance Scout said...
Hi Scott, I'm so impressed by your willingness to share all this and know you'll be encouraged and inspired by much of the feedback you receive via your blog. The blogosphere can be a wonderful place! Keep writing!
August 12, 2009 7:48 AM
Penny Williams said...
Scott, I am not autistic nor are my children. My son was diagnosed with ADHD nearly a year ago. Before his diagnosis, when I knew there was a problem but hadn't yet discovered it, I started a blog. I can type faster than I can write by hand and I knew getting my thoughts down would be cathartic. Getting them out also meant that they would not spin around in my head and gain anxious momentum as much. It really was "getting them out." I also hoped that people with similar experiences would read my blog and leave comments with tidbits of advice from someone who's been there. What I found was that there are so many people going through very similar trials and joy. They have provided some great advice through my blog but they have also provided such comfort just knowing they are there. And now, after nearly a year of blogging about raising my ADHD son, I have moms almost daily saying they are about to embark on this same journey and are so encouraged to know they are not alone. So, all of that said, I HIGHLY recommend blogging. It will help you in many ways, and it will help others too. It doesn't matter if you are a "good" writer, that's all subjective anyhow. I found reading John's book, despite not having autism in my family, helped me relate to my "differently-abled" son in new ways. I could imagine the reasoning behind some of his quirks.Good luck to you, Scott. Keep writing and we'll keep reading and supporting you!
August 12, 2009 8:07 AM
Kathleen Walling said...
Scott, I have read many blogs on a variety of topics and many, many books and while I do not consider myself to be an expert, I do know that I am intelligent and educated. I know what I like and what keeps me interested (and believe me, it takes a lot to achieve that status :0). I see the world on a whole different level also and find 99% of the blogs I have read a complete bore. To me, they are the same old information, the same old concept that has been twisted and manipulated into sounding like a new and fresh idea. That is until I stumbled across John Elder Robison and now YOU!In my opinion, YOU and YOUR THOUGHTS could NEVER be deemed as just another useless blog contributing the much of the useless information on the web (my opinion) and I hope you never feel that way. Be proud and excited that YOU give a voice to what many are struggling to convey.I will most definitely be bookmarking your blog and am very much look forward to what you have to say.Warmest Regards,
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Next Day
Scott CrawleyToday at 8:21amGood Morning John. I hope things are good with you. I didn't sleep well last night at all. After I posted the blog yesterday I got a few warm responses from people that I'm sure are familiar with you and your work. That did make me feel good and a little more accepted in this world. But still the response from the people that know me was the same. Not quite what I needed to hear. I got some " that's cool " and a few jokes and one of my friends even sent me something on dating books??? It's that speaking another language thing again or they can't hear or understand what I'm trying to say. And this guy, his name is Shannon, has known me most of my life, and we recently had a discussion on if I had a girlfriend now or not. I told him right now my feelings towards women are very different than what they used to be. When I was younger, I was never comfortable around guys. They acted different than me. They thought different than me. Women and girls in my mind were more compassionate, understanding, and full of love. So I gravitated towards the female species and would open up more around them. That caused me to be molested several times by several different women and girls in my youth. This is one of the key reasons I am very, very protective of my two children. I don't trust most men or women to be around them. To me it seems like there's something about the autistic when they are young that fascinates people and draws out predators. Growing up was the same, I could still relate to women better, but I would only date girls who would make a move on me or flat out tell me they were interested. Girls that were more in control. Girls that would take charge. I'm sure the reason for this is the molestation in my youth. I've known other girls and guys who have been molested, and they seem to be the same way. Their sex lives seem to be the most satisfying to them when they feel like they're being abused again. And I am the same way. Now I am 40, have been in 2 abusive relationships, both physical and mental, and my whole outlook on women is shattered. I don't think about sex anymore, which shannon has been told, but yet still can't understand. My life has given me the opinion that women really aren't any different than men. They too, seem to be out for what they want and need, and they are in touch with their feelings more, but not when it comes to other people, only themselves. So there I am last night up and down and thoughts rolling through my head. My feelings were hurt. I just wanted to be accepted by those who have known me most of my life. I hoped if they would read my blog maybe it would give them a better understanding of what I've discovered, what I am going through. That's all I am still after from the world. Acceptance, understanding, and love. Is that so much to ask?John Elder RobisonToday at 8:41amWriting a blog is going to introduce you to new people, some of whom will be compassionate and understanding, as you see.However, there is no reason to think your real-life acquaintances will see you any differently just because you wrote a blog. Don't expect any changes there as a result of blogging or writing.It sounds like you might benefit from a new circle of people, and the Internet may help you find that. Online communication places autistic people on a much more equal footing.Scott CrawleyToday at 8:53amI am starting to see that. Thanks for showing me the way to a new outlet for my thoughts and feelings John. I am very appreciative. As far as my acquaintances, I don't think I'm trying to get them to look at me differently. I am just trying to open their minds to the concept that there's more to me than they've known. I want them to understand when they hear me say or see me do something, instead of just thinking where did that come from, or why's he acting like that, they will realize it's just part of me being an aspergian. I can see at times when I am communicating with them, that they don't understand, or think I'm weird, even over the internet it seems like I am paying attention to how others are reacting to me. Part of my fear and insecurity I guess.John Elder RobisonToday at 8:58amNot everyone will be open to revising their views of you. There is not much you can do but accept that many people's minds are kind of closed. Also, as you point out, people have their own agendas which may conflict with yours.Still, the world is big and there are plenty of people who ARE ready to accept and understand you. You just have to find them, and I believe the Internet can help facilitate that.The more you write, and the more people read you, the wider the circle of people that will accept you in the way you wish to be understood.Scott CrawleyToday at 5:58pmHey John. I hope your day's been good. Mines been about the same. I am starting to realize that the only way I can write and communicate my feelings at the moment is to write to you. I know it's the connection I feel to what I've learned about you and your life, the video's and blogs. I too feel like you that when I meet or see someone else with AS, I can recognize it. I've struggled all day to venture out into the world, but to no avail. So far my fear is still winning that battle. I really do want to come out of this state that I'm in, my head constantly full of storm clouds, even compliments seem to take on the shape of " Well they understand what I'm trying to say, but they still think I'm whining and complaining instead of just accepting who I am and joining the world " inside of my head. I keep telling myself " Look at these people Scott! They are suffering just like you. Their lives haven't been any easier. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and just do what you've got to do " but instead of my voice, it's my fathers I hear. Why can I write to you and express all of this, but can't make it clear to anyone else? And is it really helping me to express all of my feelings and emotions this way, or is it hurting me, and in a way hurting you too. That's not what I want. Nor do I want attention for myself. I just want life to mean more to me than what it does right now. I want to feel like I have some kind of greater purpose. I don't know.I do know that I've been thinking about those song lyrics I shared with you and the world in my blog. Ever since I wrote them I had the thought in my head that I would like John Bon Jovi to put music to those words. I don't know if you can reach him through any of your connections, but if you can I would like him to read the lyrics and tell me what he thinks. I am not looking for anything for myself, as a matter of fact my thoughts have been to have any money the song makes go to charities for autism and juvenile diabetes. Maybe making some kind of contribution to the world will help me. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just dreaming. But do any of us ever stop doing that? I think not.John Elder RobisonToday at 6:01pmI'm afraid you greatly overestimate my power to reach other people. I have no connection to Bon Jovi at all.At the same time, I think you underestimate the ability of some of those who commented on your blog to understand you. Click their names, follow back to their blogs, read and leave comments. That is how you establish a dialogue.Scott CrawleyToday at 6:07pmI will take your advice again my friend, and see where that leads me. Sooner or later it all has to make sense, doesn't it? And who knows, maybe one day you'll run across someone who has that connection or you'll run across John himself. I don't know. Like I said it was just a thought of mine and I have alot of those. Too many sometimes. Well I am going to read some other blogs now. I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Haunted by the Past
As I lie here in my bed, desperately trying to clear my mind, to silence it, to rest. Again, as with most nights, I am haunted by my past. Chills run over every inch of my body, my soul feels anxious and alert. I want to just stand up in my mind and scream at myself, " Relax! Calm Down! Go to sleep! " The video's continue to run in my mind, in order it seems. First of early days, and simpler dreams. They still cause me fear and make me feel cold. But I can handle them, their pain is very old. As my torment continues, I toss and I turn. All of these memories, I want so bad to burn. Sleep is so eluding, and now I am back in school. With kids I admire, with kids who were cool. They never saw me, like I tried to convey. I would fail and get picked on, day after day. Sweat is beading up on the top of my brow. I am seeing and hearing my fathers words now. " Don't talk back!" was what he would say. He would never answer my questions, not one single day. If I would pursue, trying to learn what was right, he didn't want to answer, he just wanted to fight. I breath heavy and sigh, trying to quiet my head. Still tossin, and turning, messing up the bed. Most jobs weren't any better, and I've had alot. Most wouldn't accept this man named Scott. Other's would advance, I'd be left behind. " Why did that happen to me? " keeps running through my mind. I look at the clock, it's five a.m. I think to myself, " Another sleepless night again!" Aspergers, I know now, is why this happens to me. But I can't fix it, I just have to let it be.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Who am I ?
Who is this person staring into this screen. I really don't know, do you know what I mean? In my depression my creativity flows. I am crying out for attention, and the whole world knows. I want so much to be accepted and loved. Out in the world I get abused and shoved. Forever it seems I've hidden myself from life. Living as an outcast on the edge of a knife. I get some to listen and some empathy. Some say they're my friends and some people agree. But in the real world they'd see a different man. One who hardly talks, one they can't understand. Even writing these words I'm sure some will take me wrong. It's so hard everyday to feel like I belong. So I clammer for attention just like a little kid. Hey, can you see me, can you see what I did. Please love me, please hold me, make me feel alright. Don't leave me alone to fade into the night. I don't want your money, your possessions or property. I just want the world to accept and love me. Why can't I express this when I come face to face. My breath goes away, and my thoughts just erase. My words start to studder and I stare at the ground. Oh look! A different person you've found. Only with those who are close, or with this cold bright screen, can I truely express myself. Do you know what I mean? If these words have touched you, and you want to show me love. Spread the word, tell your friends, so less aspies will get shoved.
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:36 PM
I'm remembering lines from a poem I wrote in high school, though I can't recall even close to the whole thing: "Countless faces stare at meVoice telling me I'm good, bad, different...this poem has no sense, it's just as it isit is myself on paper"Though I'm much less self-conscious and awkward than I was half a life-time ago and have discovered many friends I love and value deeply, I still encounter those feelings and thoughts from time to time, still feel socially awkward around people I don't know well or who live life on what I consider a surface level. This is especially true for me in party situations. Writing, though, has always been a place where I can communicate the best, creatively and with other people and in making sense out of life for myself. Eight times out of ten, I would rather write to somebody than talk on the phone, though if I've found somebody I really connect with and trust, face to face conversation is exhilirating. It can be strange, though, can't it to be so articulate in writing but get tongue-tied speaking? And to feel frustrated that you're not able to communicate the richness of who you are in certain contexts.
August 13, 2009 3:16 PM
Scott .... Dawn ... thank you so much!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
What is this life about?
I look at the world today and I wonder, "What is this life about?" Does everyone really have to live the way they are living? It seems to me that more people out there are doing what they're doing for money and no other reason. Why? I think about it and the world starts to look like some kind of big money machine. People are hypnotized into believing if the have better and newer things it will satisfy them and make them happy. But it doesn't. People think if the have bigger and more expensive cars or houses they will be more important. But they're not. People put themselves way over their heads in debt for things they don't really need. Think about where the money goes. The government prints it. People work for it. Then they spend it. Taxes here and there. It all goes right back where it started from. We are preoccupied our whole lives with trying to win a game with no end and no winners. We could throw the whole system away and start over and it would be better for everyone. Every kind of job that is needed someone likes to do. It's not a job to them. It's enjoyment. Any job out there that no one likes could just be forgotten about. How many people work in factories making some kind of cute stuffed animals or other useless things that nobody really needs. How many different kinds of cars need to be made. Who really needs on worth one hundred thousand or more? Again it's just a status symbol to say "I am better than you!" Does any of it matter? I am good at writing, good at making music and singing, good at cooking and other things that I would be willing to share with people in my community if they lived the same way. I know some of you are saying "That sounds like Communism!" If you think about it the idea of true communism or socialism is not a bad thing. A whole community working together to take care of each other and everyone doing what they love is not a bad idea. Look at the words community and communism. It's when you put people in charge that want more than the common man that it becomes a bad idea. Does any of us really think that God wants us to live this way. Robbing and killing each other over some printed pieces of paper? I don't think so. Think about the words in the bible about not eating from the tree of knowledge or you will die. We are still doing that. The more answers scientist seek out, the more diseases pop up. People think they have to have the answers to everything and we don't. We just have to live and love each other. Now I am not saying I am perfect, I am far from it. I'm not even saying I'm right. These are just my opinions and something to think about.
posted by ScottCrawley at 4:40 PM
Wouldn't it be nice?
Friday, August 14, 2009
Today's a hard one for me to handle!
I wake up with the usual dizziness, massive headache, completely sick feeling that these anti-depressants cause. Try to follow my usual morning routine of dressing the kids, checking my daughters sugar and giving her shots, fixing their breakfast and getting myself a cup of coffee so I can relax and try to deal with the way I feel.......but not today. Today it's mass confusion!First of all, I don't know how much anyone knows about my situation, but a few weeks ago, after 20 some odd years on my own, and due to my seriously deep state of depression, I moved to my parents property. It's a smaller place the kid's and I are in now. It's a newer, two story barn that was nothing more than a garage and storage area that I had converted into a house. There's a living room and kitchen area downstairs, and the upstairs is converted into two bedrooms for the kids. It's been hard enough trying to get used to a new routine. Waking up every morning and walking my kids out of the barn, across the driveway and into my parents house so the 3 of us can use the bathroom, get out of our p.j.'s etc.Well, because of the move, and having too many possessions, my parents are having a yard sale. So we stumble out of the barn this morning to all kinds of extra people, some that know us, some extended family members, and strangers here to buy things. The not normal routine is enough to send all 3 of us into panic attacks etc, but I try to stay calm. My daughter goes into hysterics as some of her older toys are being taken away by someone, my son is distracted from even wanting to eat with all of the noise and confusion. I want so bad just to scream at everyone "Go away! Leave us alone!"But I just try to make the best of it and go on with doing what I have to do. It's strange to me how here on the Internet I want as much interaction as I can get. The more people that talk to me the better. But here in the real world I would rather be left alone. Wondering what all these extra people here think of me, the extra strange feelings coursing through my veins and soul. Being worried about how all of this is affecting my kids and if this will bother them years down the road. Wondering if they will understand the jokes, and attention these extra people are giving them, if they will know that no one here is trying to hurt them or make them feel bad. As a kid when I was in a situation like this, with extra people around, I took everything anyone said to me as serious and truthful. Extended family would pick and say cute things, but to me it was harmful and embarrassing. Are my children going through these same feelings now? I will do my best to deal with everything today, and it's hard for me to let go of possessions that have been with us for so long. I just have to keep telling myself " It will all be o.k.!" My son isn't making eye contact with anyone but me. My daughter's off hiding by herself. I ask my son, "Can you look Aunt Angie in the eye?" He is unable to. Unlike me who most of the time keeps his feelings locked in around people, my son expresses everything he is feeling to everyone. A result of me raising him to understand his aspergers perhaps? He will say or do something cute and people will react as they normally do around children, they will laugh. He will shout out, "Stop laughing at me!" Again, as I've had to do many times in the past, I will have to explain to him that they are not laughing at him, they just think he's a cute, adorable little boy. I know it doesn't take away all the bad feelings that he's experiencing. But I hope it helps. I'm also trying to reach as many people as possible hoping that my writings might help them with the aspergians in their lives. Please help me by spreading the word to your friends. Thanks.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Pretending to be members of the media :)
All of my life I've been into music. Lived it, loved it. I've played several instruments even though coordination issue's tried to stop me. I can listen to a song and dissect it to hear any one part I want to. I can hear mistakes that are made in mixing or recording and find joy in that. It makes the music more human and real. When I was a teenager I was into the whole concert scene big time. I loved attending concerts and even though I normally don't like loud noises or bright lights, I loved getting as close to the stage as possible. Sometimes me and my life long best friend Charlie would end up right by huge amplifiers with the sound waves from the bass thumping against our chests and trying to knock us over. But after awhile that didn't seem to be enough for either one of us. The front row wasn't good enough. We wanted to be closer. At the time I was studying and working with graphic arts. Charlie was into the same field at that time so we decided to publish a fake magazine. With this fake magazine we figured we could convince the right people to grant us things we were after. We were right. It took a few weeks of planning and work, but the print turned out to be believable, and we were in communication with executives from several record companies already being granted free tickets, backstage passes, and photo passes to get closer to the action than we've ever been before. It was a fantastic, exciting experience for the both of us. On a few occassions I would be snapping pictures of a famous musician while Charlie interviewed them just to ask questions he wanted to know. We seemed to have no trouble convincing anyone we worked at a music magazine. I guess if we really wanted to, we could've turned the lie into a reality. I'm sure there are some exec's out there who think that Leslie Teen Scene still exists. I'm sure if we wanted to, we could do it still today. Ah, being young is wonderful. The world is still new and exciting. I wish it was that way to me now.
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:31 PM
Wow to be young again... That took me back a long long time. Thanks Scott I needed that today.Charlie
Friday, August 14, 2009
A mothers love.....and lack of
I was online, like I seem to be more and more lately, looking for words, comments, jokes, or whatever I can find from people to help me to feel better and feel more like I belong. I was overjoyed to find a comment on John Elder Robison's facebook page about my writing. It made me feel special. It made me feel like I'm finally getting through to people. They understand me and appreciate my mind! Here is the comment.Kathleen Wermann WallingI absolutely LOVE Scott's inner thoughts and his brilliant mindset. What I found most fascinating is how he posed the question of whether or not we are "simply evolving into a more intelligent human that needs social skills less" based on integrating the internet into our lives. Now I am TOTALLY convinced I am ahead of my time!!! :0)Now this is a stranger, who to me in my mind is showing me love and acceptance. Again I felt like a little kid and was so excited I had to jump up out of my chair, which isn't easy with bad knees, and go to my mom to get her to come see what someone had said about my writing. Like any child, I just wanted her approval, her love, and most of all her to tell me "That is fantastic! You are doing such a wonderful job!" Instead of that though, as she is walking towards the computer room, the phone rings. It's a friend of hers that she already talked to today about the usual things going on in their lives. It's been more than a half an hour since she told me, "I'll come back and read it when I'm done on the phone." But she won't. She'll forget. She tried to read the above comment while she was on the phone but her mind was on what her friend was saying and that was more important to her then something her son wanted her to read. It's always been this way with her. She loves me, I know she does. But when I was playing in bands, instead of hearing compliments and encouragement, I would only receive constructive criticism from her on how I could do things better or wouldn't receive anything back at all. I shouldn't let things like this bother me, but they do and I can't help it. Again I'm sure it's my aspergers. All my life it seems that whatever is important to me doesn't matter to her and other people matter more to her than I do. I know she's never understood me. I know she'll never understand her grandchildren. I just hope they receive more from her than I have. Pehaps if I let her read this post it will help. Maybe it will only hurt her feelings which I don't want to do. Like I said, She's been off the phone about ten minutes and hasn't asked to read that comment. Again her child doesn't get the attention he so desperately wants and needs. He will continue to seek it elsewhere, from strangers on the net, out there..........
posted by ScottCrawley at 2:55 PM
Kathleen Walling said...
Well thank you very much for appreciating my thoughts! Oh, and from a Mother's perspective (mine) and I am quite sure the many other Moms/Dads who read what you have to say will agree with me when I say: What you are doing is fantastic! "You are doing such a wonderful job!" and you are, be proud of that. Have a great weekend!! :0)
August 14, 2009 9:18 PM
John Elder Robison said...
You can't choose your mother. You just get assigned one.
Friday, August 14, 2009
If I live just one more day
If I live just one more day will all of my pain slowly fade away? Should I continue to do daily deeds and still get no answer to all of my needs. Will anyone miss me if I should go besides my children who need me to grow. I want so badly to turn to dust and yet I continue to do what I must. Is there love for me anywhere in this life enough to make me put down this knife. Who I wonder would cry if I leave would anyone besides my children grieve. At night in this troubled mind of mine I wish to close my eyes for the very last time. I'm sure if I left they both would be ok and memories of me would fade day after day. My love for them is stronger than my desire to live so I will go on and continue to give. I will live just one more day at least and hope one day soon I will be at peace.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Wrestling with my suicidal impulses
Last night was incredibly hard. I had to really concentrate and focus on my children just to keep from ending it all. I am still not sure if these extreme thoughts and feelings are a side effect of the anti-depressants I am on, if it's a result of the deep state of depression I am in, or if it is simply part of my Aspergers. I can remember when I was young and any little thing would go wrong I felt an impulse to destroy myself because I felt defective. My son used to bang his head so hard on the floor that he would have baseball sized goose eggs on his forehead. My daughter will slap and hit herself or even bite herself hard enough to bleed. She will do incredibly dangerous stunt for a thrill without worrying about her own safety. I was the same way as a teenager. Jumping on and off of moving trains, climbing to the top of bridges and walking out on support wires, even hopping out of my own car while it was going down the road and running over my own foot! The other people in the car were quite alarmed. So I really can't tell where these thoughts and impulses are coming from I just know it is an extremely hard struggle I am going through. Most of the time I simply don't want to exist anymore. There doesn't seem to be any joy in life anymore outside of my children. I have zero sexual thought or impulses, food is just something to fill my stomach, I don't even care what it is anymore. I haven't went out into the world in weeks and when I do it's usually due to some kind of appointment like with the phychs. When it's quiet my mind will start to focus on the question of if there is anything after death. I will start to have a debate inside of my own head between the side of me that still has faith in god, and the other side of me that thinks we are all just animals and when we're dead, we're just dead. Sometimes it seems I can really feel gods love and guidance, and other times I look at the world and see these overly sexed, possessive, half crazy animals running around only thinking about their own wants and desires. Then thoughts start to run through my head, why am I still here, why don't I just leave. What's the point to all of this. You're children will be fine. Life goes on for everyone until it's over and then we're all better off. After hours and hours of all of this self torture, I look at myself in the mirror and scream inside of my own head, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" I'm still searching for that answer. But I don't think I will ever find it.
posted by ScottCrawley at 10:03 AM
Scott, this post really hit me hard. I've had a lifelong struggle with suicidal impulses. I know the "any little thing would go wrong I felt an impulse to destroy myself" feeling too well. I've had 2 failed suicide attempts (overdoses), and have been hospitalized a handful of times. Things feel better since I learned of Asperger's last year (I'm 36)...suddenly I don't feel like I'm "just plain defective." I have something that many other people have "wrong" with them too. But I have problems with deep depressions and occasional mild mania. I am scared to death that one of my depressions will hit and make me suicidal again. Feeling like a broken soul is hard on an average day, but when a depression kicks in, it can be fatal. Even when I get racey I can become suicidal. It's weird. Strange. Hard.I dunno....I don't have any advice or anything of any real substance to say,...I just wanted to let you know your post impacted me.
August 15, 2009 11:50 AM
Scott,I feel the same as you. What is life about anyway? It seems that everyone is in it for themselves and don't give a damn about anybody but themselves. There is dissension in families and the more techologically advanced we get the more we care less about the feelings of others. Maybe it's a 40 thing, as I'm turning 40 in October, but I too question if there is really life after death or maybe we are just a higher order of animals since we show the animalisitc nature in a "civilized" society....Thank you for your thoughts!! I created a blog too! Challenges of an Aspergian mom. My oldest son has Aspergers and I think my brother (who passed in 2006) had it as well!! I do think, however, that our happiness in the next life, is directly related to what we learn in this life. I think if we prematurely end our own life here, we will directly affect our happiness in the next life.Take Care, One of your followers,Laura Hafner
Saturday, August 15, 2009
My view of women in the world
I really don't know if I am the way I am because of my Aspergers. I just know in this aspect I have always been different than normal guys. I have never thought like them, never acted like them. I have always been more like a woman. Wearing my heart on my sleeve, showing my emotions, loving and caring for my children the way a mom does, I've even been abused by partners just like women. Most men that meet me see me as something different and not like the normal guys they're used to. I've even been looked at as gay on several occasions, but I know that I'm not. I have always been attracted to the soul of a woman more than her looks. As a boy, like my son now, I would be considered a flirt because I would express to women that I felt had a loving, caring soul that I liked them and I wanted love and attention from them. These thoughts and needs were never in a sexual nature, but are the reason I'm sure that I was molested on several occasions by women and girls when I was younger. I now worry seeing my son follow the same path as me, wanting and needing that feminine love and attention that he never gets from his mother. I just hope no predatory women come across his path when I'm not there to look out for him and protect him. Growing up as a teenager in the dating world I am sure I confused many girls. They would show interest in me and I would show interest back, but our idea's on sex were entirely different. They expected me to be like any other guy and try to get what they expected me to want. When it seemed to them that I didn't want sex with them they would lose interest in me and move on to the next guy. I have always had the view that sex is supposed to be shared between two people that truly love and care about each other. So I was waiting for that right, perfectly romantic moment so we could have that bond and spend the rest of our lives together. They didn't understand my way of thinking because I kept it to myself like I did most of my feelings back then. All of my sexual experiences in my life have meant more to me than the girls I've experienced it with. It took years of pain and heartache for me to realize that most of us out there only love someone as long as it is good for us and making us happy. This is probably the norm and I am the oddball in my thinking. But I have always put more of my heart into my relationships than my partners and it's hurt me time and time again. Always trying to make sure they are happy so they won't go away and leave me all alone. Making heart shaped pancakes and eggs, serving it to them in bed, or cute handmade cards showing my love. I never thought of love as the more I spent, the more I loved. To me that's just another piece of propaganda put out by our society to keep the money machine rolling and all of the slaves working, spending, buying, etc. Valentine's, sweetest, etc. Time to go buy another cute stuffed animal that will be forgotten in a week. I've always been more of a romantic, spur of the moment, hey...guess what...I LOVE YOU kind of person. It seems to me that women got their equal rights and lost so much more. If I had a time machine I would travel at least one hundred years back if not more and marry a woman back then. No she didn't have the right to vote or work the same jobs as men, but she was respected, treated like a lady and she acted like one. Doors were opened for her. Men would stand when she came to the table. One man seemed to be enough for any woman back then. Most women in this day act as bad as men do and I don't find any kind of attraction in that. Now it's date as many guys as you can, use sex to get what you want, or even hey, he's cute, I want to have sex with him! I don't know, I am sorry ladies if I am offending you, especially if you're different than the norm like me. But you know that what I'm saying is true about the majority of women today. They are just as cold, cruel, and self-centered as most men are. It's taken me forty years to figure this out, and with all the abuse and heartache I've been put through I don't know if I'll ever have a relationship again. At least not a good one. Already there is a fourteen year old neighbor girl that likes to play with my son. It makes me nervous. He just turning eight this month. I have to keep a close eye on that. I know he likes the attention, but he could end up having a bad experience that haunts him years down the road. Am I being overprotective, maybe. But what parent wouldn't be.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Fear is the biggest part of an aspergians/autistics soul. Fear of being discovered for who we really are. Fear of the world not accepting us, or wanting to destroy us because of our differences. Fear of the feeling of embarrassment, that can cause us to freeze and not function for minutes, which to us seems like hours. Often when we do speak we studder our words or pause out of fear. So many have such an overwhelming fear inside of them that they can't even speak. At least around others. And some not at all. Hiding inside of our heads where it's safe. This is more true of traditional autistic people as aspergians have the tendency to speak out more, sometimes to our own downfall. Sometimes we can't convey what we are trying to express and we end up looking foolish to everyone. Other times we seem like we are odd, strange geniuses and people are impressed with us. Some just see us as normal like everyone else. But yet we still have our fears. Fear of being alone, fear of trying something new. Yes everyone autistic and normal feels fears many times in their lives. Fear of speaking to a teacher or a boss. But normal people don't have panic and anxiety attacks from a normal meeting with someone of authority. They might be nervous to some extent, but they have no idea of the shaking, sweating, pulse quickening, the ringing in our ears, head down, just concentrating on what is happening in our bodies and not even hearing what the other person is saying to us. Fear never leaves the autistic. The feelings are so much more intense. You can see that fear is the biggest part of our lives when we can't look you in the eye. When we're afraid to socialize. Afraid to join your world. Because ours is safer. There are many feelings that humans deal with every day. But the autistic/aspergians out there have a harder time letting go. Forgetting, and moving on. Little things to everyone else are huge to us. And fear is #1.
posted by ScottCrawley at 8:32 PM
Scott,My brother passed away in 2006 and I know he was Aspergian. I always knew he was different but we could never put our finger on it. After I discovered and my son was diagnosed with Aspergers, I know that my brother as wella as my father had/has Aspergers. My dad lives a life of constant fear and he too is on anti-depressants and my brother also had fear. I wonder if I also have a touch of Aspergers. When I met John Robison when he came to Buffalo, he commented that I might have a story to tell as he can see the look in my face I suspect. I can relate to so much on what you describe especially the fear that you have in talking to authority figures. I too get the sweaty palms and shaky hands and flushed face....I wonder am I Aspergian too? It would explain a lot for me.
August 16, 2009 6:20 AM
Our world IS safer.Would I rather do things alone? Absolutely not. I ache all the time for relationships with my kids that others seem to have, to have friendships, company ..... just to be able to go be with others if I want.However, it is safer to retreat and 9 times out of 10, fear/anxiety is the deciding factor. I get exhausted just making the decision.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
My school days tormentor
I'm sure that many, if not all of us have episodes where we get bullied or picked on in school. Some of us have tormentors that seem to gain great joy out of torturing us every day. With me it was a kid named Carl. Carl always enjoyed putting me through some kind of torment. It could be something as simple as walking by me in the hall and punching me in the stomach. Often it could be more elaborate by using my autistic naivety to convince me to say or do something that would end up making me look foolish to others in the class so they all could get a good laugh and he would look cool. He was a popular boy in our class. He had a lot of friends. I on the other hand with my autistic ways and nature wasn't a very popular kid. I didn't have many friends in my class. Even though I was constantly picked on by my tormentor, I still had a longing for his acceptance and friendship. He could see no matter how mean he was to me that I looked up to him and wanted his friendship. He could see I was naive. So he planned his next move on me. He started being nice to me! He started treating me like a friend. I fell for it completely. I was so overjoyed at finally being accepted that my mind completely forgot all the terrible things he had done to me. He was now my friend! Or so I thought. On a Friday at school he came up to me and said hi, then invited me to go with his family to a restaurant that had video games, pizza, etc. I was thrilled. I accepted of course. When I arrived home from school I anxiously told my mom about being invited to go. She warned me that this might just be another prank that my tormentor was playing on me. But I refused to believe her. I just knew that he had changed and somehow finally accepted me for who I was and liked me. Saturday came and I was the most excited kid in the world. Waiting and staring out the window for his parents car to arrive so I could go and have a fun day with a new found friend full of joy and wonder. As the hours went by my mood started turning somber. I was starting to realize that my mother was right. He wasn't coming. This was indeed just another joke on me. The tears started to flow and lasted for hours. I felt once again completely unaccepted and rejected. My mother did however save me from further torment in school. She came up with the idea to not show my anger, not show that he had hurt me. To go to school and apologize to him for not being home on Saturday because my parents had taken me to an amusement park that was far more popular than the restaurant he went to. I took her advice and could see the frustration build on his face as I gave him my apology and walked away. To him the joke had backfired and he got no satisfaction. To me it still hurt severely, I can feel the tears trying to well up in my eyes now, but at least the lie my mom came up with saved me from further humiliation. An autistic person is like an elephant, we never forget and it's a curse. Most people would be over this long ago but because of my aspergers/autism I can't let it go. The torment continued through high school up until Carl contracted leukemia. Then the torture stopped. Maybe due to him focusing on his own suffering, or perhaps he was trying to keep from burning in hell for everything he had put me through, and possibly others too. After he passed away, his memorial at the town church was packed with almost everyone from the town. I walked into the church and it felt like every eye in there turned to see me in surprise. "What's he doing here?" echoed through my ears. I stood there, looking at the coffin for a moment, and smiled. Then I turned and walked out. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't smiling because this kid died of a horrible disease. I was smiling because I knew at last my torture was over. At least from him. I'm sure many people thought differently. I still don't know why things happen the way they do. But to me it was justice from god.
posted by ScottCrawley at 9:59 PM
Your mother's advice was brilliant! Still not enough to stop all the hurt, but helpful in the moment. Seems that the autistic tendency to take people at their word rather than discerning motivation was a big factor in this painful memory. Mindblindness, I think the word is.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Is anyone out there like me?
I often wonder when I'm not busy in my daily taking care of my kids routine, Is anyone out there like me? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be looked at as something special, and I know there are all kinds of people in the world with all kinds of problems and situations, some I'm sure far worse than mine. I just sometimes ponder on the concept of how unique of a life I am living. Are there other Aspergian men out there who are single dads? Are they raising two aspergian/autistic children on their own? Is one of them also a type one diabetic? Have they had nothing but failed relationships like me? Have they been abused by their partners, a parent, a sibling and others? Were they sexually molested as a child? Were they born with defects like my knees or my life long issue of being underweight? Have they had a life long battle with depression and suicidal tendencies? Do they suffer with bad coordination so everything they try to do is ten times harder for them than the average human being? Have they always related better to women, thought more like women do, even reflected on their life and thought "I should have been born a girl, people would have given me more consideration than they do now, my life would've been easier!"? Am I the only one in all of these situations, or have there been others. If there are others like me it seems that my path in life would be due to autism. If not then I don't know why I've been chosen to live the life that I have. There has been some happiness, some joy and wonder. But the fear, sadness, and struggle have always been in the forefront. My heart has always felt compassion and admiration for women who are single parents and have struggled in their lives just to find happiness. But are there other men like me out there? Am I the only one?
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Why are most people so self-centered?
I look at the world today and wonder why people seem to only think about themselves. Most are greedy, trying to gain as many possessions as possible in their lifetime and refusing to give or share. Why? What has caused the world to have this view? How can people treat each other with such loathing and disregard? When I have been taken advantage of by someone in someway, it's not the loss of what they took from me that bothers me so, but the pain in my soul of wondering how someone could do that to someone else. I have very strong family values. I think that family is the most important thing and you should love them and never turn your back on them or do anything to harm them. But my views aren't shared by most. Most parents out there are ready for their kids to leave at eighteen and then don't want to help them with problems in their lives. I've heard it so many times, "They're grown now. They're an adult. Let them handle it. This is my money." To me love and loved ones feelings should matter a million times more than money. I've seen both sides of my family fight and squabble over what I consider to be not a lot of money when my grandparents passed. When I was young there was family reunions every year and get togethers, etc. Now my aunts and uncles hardly associate with each other because each one of them feels like they didn't get enough and the others did. Sounds very childish to me. These are brothers and sisters who should be there for each other and there to guide and support the younger generation so the whole family can have a happy existence. But it doesn't work that way. Money and possessions are more important than family. When my grandmother passed, I was renting her old place from her as she had moved up the street into her sons place to spend her final days and receive the care she needed. It was a trailer as old as me that I was renting. Nothing special, needed lots of work. My parents even called it a death trap and was afraid for me and my children living there. Yet when my grandmother passed, and the property was divided among the kids, no one in the family was happy that my mom sold me her share so I could own part of the property and no longer pay rent. This is family who has their own places and properties. But still trouble had to start. My aunt and uncle showed up in the driveway in their bus and lived there trying to torment me and force me to leave. They tried taking me to court. They tried everything including walking their dogs in front of my door and where my cars were parked so me and the kids would step in the dog piles. THIS IS FAMILY I'M TALKING ABOUT! My aunt told me it was nothing personal, just business. I don't understand why most people in this world have the same kind of I don't care about anyone but myself attitude. I wouldn't treat strangers with kids that way! But the majority of families in todays world aren't much different. People need to wake up and realize that there are more important things in life than money and possessions. Children should be the main focus of the entire family to guide and help them to advance so later on they can return the favor. Why can't people see things the way I do. Even strangers shouldn't focus on how they can take advantage of someone else. It's just money people. You spend it, it's gone. The stuff you buy, eventually gone too. What are you left with if you isolate everyone you know by only thinking of what you want. NOTHING!
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:16 PM
I agree people really don't care about anyone but themselves, especially family. It is such a shame and a waste. There is so much more important aspects of life than money...
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Humor sometimes stops meltdowns
I have said before that I've never really understood the concept of humor. But as I grew and learned more, I was able to remember things that people around me thought were cute or funny, and continue to use them or develop them into a new unique style, to make people laugh. I've always liked to make the ones around me smile and laugh, it makes me feel more accepted, even when I'm telling jokes that I don't understand or find less than tasteful. I will be the first to admit that I have a warped sense of humor and getting people to laugh is like throwing darts in the dark. My son however, loves me to joke and pick with him, even if his response to something I say is "You're just joking, right dad?" I have come to discover that when he is on the verge of an emotional meltdown that could last for hours, usually over frustration from playing video games, his favorite obsession, If I joke with him and try to find the humor in a situation, he will come out of it quickly and start to laugh. I then can breath a sigh of relief. For example, as usual today he is playing video games. This is upstairs where we live and I was downstairs. He started to get frustrated over the game. I could hear him start to cry and scream, and then I heard THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, as he stomped his feet on the floor above me. I walked up the stairs yelling out, "WHAT'S GOING ON? It sounds like an earthquake is happening up here!" and I did it in a pleasant, joking tone of voice. I saw his face switch from anger to happiness instantly and we engaged in some playful rolling around on the floor for a few minutes before he resumed playing his game. It's been an hour and he is still fine. Calmly trying to beat the game instead of losing control. Now this doesn't work every single time. But two out of three aint bad, eh!
posted by ScottCrawley at 4:41 PM
I'll have to give humor a try. Maybe catching my son off guard in his angry moments will help diffuse the situation. A couple days ago when Elliot was getting in one of his "I hate you Stupidhead" rants, I had the sense to respond calmly and said, "Well, I love you and I know I'm not stupid and you're not stupid so it doesn't really matter if you say that" and his anger melted away and he said, "I love you too."Elliot loves computers/computer games...but when he got mad this week because the game wasn't going like he wanted, he broke the mouse and started pounding on the computer with the computer speakers. He doesn't seem like he has much control once he loses it--anything that's in the way becomes a target.Good job getting your son settled down! That's always a relief, isn't it? :)
Monday, August 17, 2009
Phobia's and their resulting panic attacks
I often reflect back to the surgeries I've had in my life. Six so far. With every one of them there is one common factor. When it came time for me to get the prep shot before the surgery I would experience an extreme panic attack. Even a day before the shot I was subjected to extreme anxiety, putting myself through self torture anticipating the coming shot. As a teenager I even tried writing notes to myself, telling myself to be strong and just take the shot. It never helped. Every time the nurse would come in with that needle, It would take three sometimes four or more people to hold me down to give me that shot. Yet all of my life I've noticed I have a very high tolerance for pain. It was never the pain that was the issue, it was a phobia of needles, of that piece of metal being stabbed into my body. I still suffer from this phobia along with others to this day. My son and daughter still have their phobia's of running water. My son will go into a panic attack if a small scratch produces a little blood on his skin. Where do these phobia's come from? Why with the autistic do they produce these meltdowns of an extreme nature. Again to me the only answer I can see is the fear itself. Our emotions are too high strung. I have no memories of a single shot causing me such harm that I was traumatized by it. Running water has never harmed my children. How can we learn to handle these fears better, to turn down the volume on our emotional amplifiers to a normal human level. Unfortunately I don't have the answer. The only thing that I can do now is warn nurses and doctors ahead of time that I WILL experience a panic attack which IS a result of my anxiety of needles. Maybe this is what we have to do with our children. Accept what is going to happen and just explain to the world why. If they don't understand, there's nothing we can do. Fear.......what can we do to conquer it? Will it ever go away?
posted by ScottCrawley at 2:02 PM
Scott,My brother was afraid of needles as well. He was also afraid of thunder. I always thought that it was a pain issue but now I wonder was he really afraid of the needle as well? He was always afraid of thunder. I wish I would have known about Aspergers when we were growing up. It would have explained so much and I think it would have helped because I would have done a better job at trying to ease his anxieties. For my brother to be afaraid of thunder at the age of 11 (I was 10) and want to stay in my room for the night made me feel uncomfortable and I thought he was carrying his fear to the extreme. I remember I just told him to go back to his room because it was only thunder. I wish I would have known about Aspergers.I wish I would have known about Aspergers when all he ever wanted to talk about were his problems and his fears when we were adults. I miss him a lot and I hope that wherever he is he understands that I loved him a lot and even though he thought I was jerky towards him; I only wanted him to be happy and I wanted to protect him from the people that took advantage of him. I wish I would have called him back just a couple days before he passed away. I wish I knew what he wanted to tell me. The needles remind me of my brother.My son also has high anxiety whenever he has a break in his skin. At first he thought that all of the blood in his body would flow out through the break in his skin. He was also afraid that his skin wouldn't grow back. I think he thought that if he got a sore he would just loose all of his skin. I try to explain to othe people about Jared's fears and that they are real fears but people just don't understand. I wish I had a better way to explain Aspergers.
August 18, 2009 9:57 PM
Xanax is known to be an FDA (Food and Drugs Administration) approved medicine for treating panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, anxiety related to depression et al and further details on Xanax info make it apparent that xanax is meant for short term treatment of anxiety.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Changes are hard for us
One thing that you'll hear a lot of if you're researching autism/aspergers is "They will do better if you put them on a schedule. Changes in routine are very hard for the autistic." This statement is true about every aspect of our lives. Change seems to be something we try to avoid, it bothers us deep in our souls. Some of you have read in my postings that my children and I have recently moved. That was extremely hard on the three of us. We lived in that place for six years and it was the only home my daughter ever knew. Even when her room was empty and we were still moving things from other rooms, she would lay on her floor holding her teddy bear for comfort. My son would say to me often during the moving process, "We can still come back to our old house to visit, right dad?" I can see that the three of us still haven't adjusted to the new place yet. The house where I grew up in Leslie, Michigan is still the only place that feels like home to me. I still have a deep longing to be there. I've always felt not as comfortable everywhere else I've lived. It's been twenty years and I still can't get over it. I keep older furniture and possessions that most people throw out for new things because they're comfortable. My children and I like using the same glasses, plates, bowls, etc. Yes it's a pain washing after every meal, but my cupboards have plenty of space :) We are not hoarders, we don't have to keep everything. It's the things that we find comfortable. The things that make us feel safe, secure, and loved. Those things we don't want to part with, and when we have to, it bothers us to our very core.
posted by ScottCrawley at 2:42 PM
Indeed they are, Scott. I'm going through something similar right now, in recent years I've lost friends and family to death, my mother's family home that my grandfather built half of, the chance to purchase the local home I spent five of the most significant years of my life in, and soon I might lose my mother's current home, which I consider my home even though I've lived a thousand miles away for over ten years. I need that sense of continuity in my life, and it seems to be slipping away bit by bit. Sometimes I wonder if the solution for me would be constant change, so that I don't become overly attached to something I can lose -- to make my schedule a routine of moving on. I don't know if that would work, but I have a sense of wanderlust that's urging me to try it.I just wanted you to know that I'm reading and relating to your words, and rooting for you.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Will I ever recover?
As I continue to battle my depression, my suicidal impulses, my inability to go out into the world unless I am forced to, I am starting to wonder if I will ever recover. It seems that through my forty years of struggling to live and be accepted as an aspergian in this world, each major downfall in my life has had a significant impact on me and my soul. I don't even think I would be considered functional anymore, unless it is on this keyboard or taking care of my children. My mother has had to take over other responsibilities in my life. She handles my money, she has custody of my children, decisions seem to be hard for me to make anymore. She will ask me a question dealing with a life issue and I pause, stutter, can't seem to come up with the answer. My mind starts to spin and the fear takes over of making a bad decision, even a simple one. I reflect back on my career in the casino industry and wonder who that person was. The Scott back then seemed to have more of his life in control. I still dealt with aspergian issues, but I was functioning in the world. I had focus. I then start to wonder if the way I am now is due to my aspergers, my depression, or if it is a result of the many blows to the head I've had in my lifetime. I just don't know. I do know that more than ever, I feel like I was pushed over the edge, and I'm no longer sane. The psychs don't seem to care, they just want to know how the pills are making me feel so they can decide if they should change my perscription, it's all about the money to them. Am I now living proof that the autistic shouldn't be let out free to roam the world. If we are allowed to function as normal humans, will it only end up being our downfall later on in life. Again, I don't know. I hope not. I do know that the world needs to know more about our heightened emotional state, that we can only take so much, or I'm afraid more of us will break down and become nonfunctional, as I have. But then again, maybe I'm just a fool whose cheese has slipped off from his cracker. You decide world. My future posts should determine that.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Pretending to be normal
My whole life I've felt like I was different. I've had trouble understanding many things that to some are just normal, natural human behavior. As I grew through my childhood, every mistake or embarrassment would be embedded into my mind, allowing me to avoid future humiliation by making the same mistake. It still has never corrected my Aspergian mannerisms or ways of thinking. This learning process only allowed me to pretend I was like most of you, a normal person. And it worked quite well, as some of you still don't believe the experts and think this whole Aspergers/Autism explosion as of late is just people making excuses for their bad children or their own mistakes in life. Those in my family who have witnessed me grow through my life have no trouble believing it now. They see it in my father and they see it in my children. My mother can even recall autistic mannerisms in my grandmother on my fathers side. To me now it is so evident in my family and others that the debate should be over. It's genetic. The symptoms and side effects grow stronger with each new generation. In simple terms, I am more aspergian than my father, and my kids more than me. Again the question is, is this all evolution caused by our societies need to socialize less and less. Or is this a problem that needs to be stopped by warning our children about the dangers of having kids of their own. With my mind being both intelligent and confused at the same time I don't even want to speculate on the correct answer. I still can't accept the fact of this being caused by immunization shots. How would that cause it to be genetic. Well again I've wandered into a different topic so let's get back on track. I pretended to be one of the normal people. When the guys were all standing around talking about this girl or that girl and saying their rather vulgar and disgusting things about them, I would just smile and nod and in my mind be thinking, "How can they think like that. They're no better than animals!" I had no idea that this is exactly how women like men to be! Women would always say, "I wish I could find a nice guy. One who won't cheat, is loving and caring, etc." But they are only lying to themselves. They want their men to be men. I just never knew that until now. I often wondered why they would leave me and go after an obvious a#$hole? Now I can see it's just all part of the grand animalistic mating dance. Many times someone would tell a good joke that would make the room bust out in laughter, I was usually hanging out in the corner alone, but I would laugh and place the joke in my memory so I could use it later to help socialize with someone else. Many times in my life I've pretended, pretended to be one of the crowd, pretended to understand, pretended to be normal. Most schools today think that autistic kids should be main streamed, it will help to correct their problems and issues. It will make them grow up more normal. That's exactly what I've been through all my life, being autistic but treated as normal and it's been so devastating to my emotional state that every night I want to end it all. I don't want my kids to have that kind of life. I want them protected. I want everyone to know that they are autistic, and as such, they have a more fragile and amplified emotional state to them so they need to be treated with kindness and care. Little things that others can get over easy enough could take them years, or they might never get over it. So show them love, compassion, and understanding. I don't want them to go through life pretending to be normal. I want them to be understood and accepted for who they are.
posted by ScottCrawley at 6:04 PM
I really like the distinction you make between "pretending to be normal" and being "understood and accepted" for who they are. But that requires other people making the necessary efforts to understand and accept, whereas with pretending, the burden is only on the individual who doesn't quite "fit". Still, that's a world worth working towards.I agree with you on the genetics side of the debate. I see signs of autism in my father, my uncle, my son, myself. It seems so unproductive to argue about vaccines, such a scapegoat approach to the issue, a way of saying, "Look, it's not us and who we are, it's mercury in the vaccines that caused this." I respect that people disagree on this issue, but in my family's experience, the obvious explanation is genetics.Have you read Willey's "Pretending to be Normal?" book yet? Well worth reading :)
August 18, 2009 7:56 PM
Scott,I agree! I don't think it's the immunizations either. My father, I believe, is Aspergian and you are right it gets worse with every generation. My brother was worse than my father and my son is worse than my brother or at least it is more evident as the generations progress. I think worse is a poor word. However, there are great traits of Aspergians. They are very emotional, great negotiators, pay close attention to detail and think out of the box. Our great Americans were Aspergian. Albert Einstein, Mozart, Beethoven, Lincoln, Speilberg, Michaelangelo. These are the men of our history. They created the society that we know today. If anything Aspergians need to copulate more. They are heaven on earth. I wish more people were Aspergian, and maybe we would get rid of our selfish society!!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
When I look into their eyes
When I look into their eyes I see the wonder, the possibilities. When I see them shining back at me I cry. When I look into those deep blue eyes and see the love they have for me, it make me glad to be alive. When I look into my childrens eyes.When I hear one of them cry, I am rushing to be beside them. When their tears are falling down like rain. To comfort them, and quiet them, to make them feel alright. It's all I want to do when I hear them cry.When they're smiling oh so brightly, the sun it starts to dim. When they're happy it is all of my joy. I feel like I have all the treasure in the sea, when I see them smiling back at me.At night as they lie sleeping, I feel all safe and warm. Comfort washes over me. I can't believe that God gave these two gifts to me. As I watch them sleeping peacefully.for Tony & Tristyn
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
My trip to see the phychs
Venturing out into the world is not easy for me these days. I only do it when I absolutely have to. Today was such a day. While I prepared myself both physically and mentally to take my journey to the mental health clinic, my mother and son prepared for a trip to the school. He was being tested today to see which grade he's going to try to complete this year. After a year and a half of home schooling we're gonna try public school again and see if he can handle the environment without going emotionally overboard like he did in kindergarten and first grade. I still have a stack of papers as thick as a phone book from those two years. I am scared for him, but the first sign of trouble and he's back home. I'm not going to go through all of the trauma that he and I both endured before, with the talk of "putting your kid on drugs!" or "If it happens again there might be charges pressed!" Most schools are not prepared to deal with the autistic. Come to think of it, I think most school aren't prepared for much in this day and age. So yes, I was anxious and worried for my son, and then had to deal with my daughters tears when I told her she couldn't go with me, she'd have to stay home with papa. So off I go for my forty five minute long drive up a two lane highway to see the shrinks. As I drove north up the road, every time there was a clear spot to my right with no houses where I could see the bayou, thoughts started to roll through my mind. "I could just turn the wheel to the right and SPLASH! Into the water the truck and I would go!" As I was driving and fantasizing about my demise the world around me was going through it's normal routine. But all I could see is myself getting into an accident with this car, or that truck. Driving into gas stations, etc. All the while my anxiety grew and the adrenaline flowed through my veins. I arrived at the clinic, if you hadn't guessed by me writing this report, in one piece. I get called back into the office and it's the usual routine of questions about how are the pills making me feel, and how have I been feeling lately, etc. Of course, the question of me having any suicidal thoughts since our last visit comes into play. The whole time with every question I am being completely honest, keeping my thoughts as clear as I can with my headache, dizziness, and general sick feeling that the pills give me every day. So to make this rather long story a little longer, They've decided to double my meds and want to see me again in a week. So after they release me to go, thoughts are running through my mind about things that I need to get at the store. I look at the gas gauge and it's less than a quarter of a tank. But with all of the feelings running through my body, the anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, dizziness, adrenaline, etc., I couldn't do anything but drive straight back home. But to look at the bright side, at least I got out! :)
posted by ScottCrawley at 7:47 PM
Scott,I'm not sure what state you live in. I live in New York State. For Jared, school has been a blessing for him. I work closely with his teachers, school psychologist, school social worker, the reading teacher and the principal. I also see an external psychologist with him and he is great too. For me, the key is having the external psychologist because he is well educated on the laws and what schools try and get away with. You have to be your child's advocate and fight, fight, fight for the things that he needs. I really don't understand why schools don't try harder to do the things that they need to do because when these kids get out of school and into the real world and if they haven't gotten the help that they need then they become societies problem and have a very hard life. How do I know? Because it happened to my father and my brother. My father all of his life was told that he was stupid by his teachers and wouldn't amount to anything. He dropped out of school in the 8th grade ( he must have failed a couple of grades) and became self educated. Now people who meet him wants to know what college he went to. My dad didn't even go to high school. He joined the Navy and later got married and had me and my brother. When he went to school, it was in the 1940's.My brother was pushed through the grades and when he got into the 6th grade, my parents found out he was on a 2nd grade math level because he was pushed through. Both my father and my brother had a difficult life because we didn't know about Aspergers when they were growing up. My brother was in his mid 20's when it was first being diagnosed in the States.Aspergian parenting is frustrating on a daily basis especially when you are dealing with people who think the diagnosis is all a farce and that you are a poor parent.Given the daily challenges though I wouldn't trade my Aspergian in for the world. The joys outweigh the challenges, and I think that my true challenges are with other people who don't get it than truly with his Aspergian tendencies. Sometimes I feel I am on a desert island when it comes to the struggles with Aspergers because I really can't talk to anyone about it unless they are Aspergian too!I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! I'm happy to see that you are releasing your stress through your blog and not in self inflicting ways. Your children will truly suffer if they don't have their main support and that is YOU!!!!! :) XOXOXOXO
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Guess who's comin' to dinner! or Here she comes again!
Morning world! I couldn't decided whether it was good or bad so I just stuck with the obvious. I awoke this morning, my head twice as messed up as normal from doubling my meds, to the pleasant sounds of my son having one of his frequent meltdowns over a game. My first thought was to get up and help him to calm down. But as I lifted my head and felt the more than usual hangover feelings, dizziness, pounding head, sick feeling, etc., I opted to settle for, "Knock it off!" which doesn't make him feel better or stop the meltdown, but it will quiet him down to a calmer while for a while. So I at least got to lay in bed for a little while longer until my daughter woke up. Then of course, me being her substitute pancreas, I had to get up and start the daily routine, check the sugar, give her the shots, etc. One thought that crossed my mind as I was plunging one of the needles into her backside was, "Well I know she has no phobia of needles!" After I got their breakfast on the table, the thought came into my head that today is the day. My kid's mother is on her way back down here from Michigan and will be at the bus station in New Orleans today at four! I'm not sure if I am ready to deal with a trip to New Orleans let alone deal with her again. I don't know if my state of mind at the present time can handle it but we'll see. Let me fill you in. Her name is Dawn. She is the mother of both of my kids, Tony and Tristyn. We first started dating in 2000 and Anthony Scott Crawley was born in 2001. Tristyn Dawn Crawley was born in 2004. When I first met her, just like most that meet her, I thought she was incredible. She's an average looking girl but her personality to those who are friends with her is a ten. She is a people person, and can easily make friends. My wake up call that she had a dark side should have happened early on when she asked me to give her a ride to her anger management class. I know, I know. Just like most people you're thinking, "Duh! Here's your sign!" But my Aspergian mind didn't accept her for anything more than what I knew of her. A very friendly nice girl. Through the five years we were together I endured massive physical and mental abuse. House phones across my face, unopened beer cans smacking me in the back of the head, even being stabbed in the arm with a fork! People often ask me, why did you stay with her? Those of us who have children should understand. I was trying to keep my family together. I didn't want my kids to grow up in a broken home with only one parent. We've been apart now going on five years, with the occasional visit from time to time. I know now that she only looks at me as a place of stability. I've always had a home for myself and my children, I'm good at managing our money, always maintained my vehicles, etc. So again her life isn't going well and she "Wants to come home" as she puts it. My mom will tell you that this is not her home and she can visit but better have somewhere else to stay. Being with me when Tony was a baby, she has more of a connection with him. When Tristyn was two and contracted type one diabetes and was in the hospital, Dawn made the trip from Alabama to here with her boyfriend at the time and didn't even stay twenty four hours. She is the mother of these two, but she's never really been a mom. I've always had that role. I could go on and on about her and her issues, but I don't want to bore anyone. I know that everyone has their problems out there so let's get to the point. She'll be here today and I don't know if my mental state can handle it. But I will try. I always try to do what's best for the kids and they need to know who their mother is even if later on in life they don't like her. At least they won't be blaming me for not letting them see her. Another issue I know that we'll encounter is I am clean now. I don't even smoke cigarettes. She's still into drugs, drinking, smoking, etc. But again I'll just stay strong, or at least try. If anyone would like to know more about her, or any other questions you have for me, don't hesitate to ask. My life is an open book now. I'm not afraid to express my feelings, opinions, or experiences to anyone. I enjoy helping others and what I've been through might teach others to not make similar mistakes. I want to thank those who have left me comments or emails. You are helping to keep me on the right path. :) Now I'm gonna prepare my mind and body for what I'm sure is going to be an intense and scary trip. Wish me luck!
posted by ScottCrawley at 9:48 AM
Scott,Good Luck! But always remember that you can set up boundaries with your wife. Have you ever thought about going to Al-Anon? My father (who I believe to be Aspergian-I think he is our link) is an alcoholic. It's not uncommon for Aspergians to find comfort in drugs and alcohol, so I've been in and out of Al-Anon my entire life, but in 2006 I committed myself to a home group in Al-Anon and it helps tremendously. The only requirement is that you have a relative or friend who has a problem with alcohol (You meet that requirement) and our first concept states "Our common welfare should come first." You can have a relationship with your ex-wife AND have boundaries set up that will protect yourself and your children. Your kids can also go to Alateen.Wishing you well!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
As the time ticks by....
As the time ticks by she's drawing near. As the minutes roll on I feel the fear. What's going to happen, what's going to be said. A million thoughts and panic in my head. Telling myself it will all be alright, wondering if I'll think the same way tonight. A state of sanity I fight to keep everyday. She's most of the reason for me being this way. On her though, I can not place all of the blame. There's so many reason's for my sorrow and shame. She did make a huge impact on my life. Yes I am glad that she's not my wife! Tick tick tick, she's closer now than before. In a few hours, I'm out the door. Me and our children will go to pick her up. Headed to New Orleans in our little red truck. When she's around I have to walk on egg shells. I'm tellin ya this b#$ch put me through hell. Are you liking my poem, my words, and my rhymes. It's not helping my fears, it's just passing the time. If I had my way, I'd find a place to hide. Where I wouldn't have to worry about her being by our side. Thinking of the kids though is what I have to do. Tony witnessed a lot of what she put me through. Tristyn doesn't really know a thing about this girl. She never wanted to be part of that baby's world. Why did she decide to come back today. I don't know, in my mind, I really can't say. I'll be optimistic and say it'll be ok! To the readers of this, "Have a nice day!"
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:18 PM
I love, love, love your poems. You need to find a good publisher. Check out backspace.com!!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Welcome back Scott!
Well, that experience was both frightening and interesting. But I'll get to that in a minute. First of all, it feels like I haven't been at this keyboard for a week! I know it hasn't even been two whole days but man did that time drag by slow! I see that in my absence some of you had brownies or some other treat that you were teasing the rest of your online friends with. Some of you are still playing your online games and doing good, although I really don't have the concentration to play games right now. I tried a couple, but I just can't. I love doing the quiz's. A lot of the things they say are dead on to my personality! I see E.D. Easley is still promoting his book, "The Lost Generation." I read the first chapter that he has online and it's quite a story. I know John Elder Robison is still promoting his book, "Look me in the Eye" which I would still like to find a copy of and read. I read all kinds of great reviews from his fans on his FB pages. So anyhow, now that I've caught myself up with all of my online friends lives, even those wild party girls Jenn and Michelle, it's time to get all of you up to date with my life. You all know that the kid's mom came back down from Michigan to here in Louisiana and her intention was to stay here with the kids and I, even though she never asked my parents permission to stay. I guess she figured that I would talk them into it but that wasn't the way things went. I took a neutral stand due to the fact of still having an extreme fear of what she could do if she lost her temper. Because of that fear and her presence in this state now, I might leave some of my personal feelings out for fear of provoking her into causing me bodily harm. Sorry that I can't be one hundred percent honest and open now but I'm sure you all understand. With her most of the time I never saw the abuse coming. It usually either came from the back or the side. So any how, on to the story. The trip to New Orleans was a little scary, but my state of mind was more like a deer drinking from a still pond that hears a noise, lifts up his head, ears, eyes, and nose trying to sense any danger, that was this parent driving with his two kids. I was more in control and protective of my precious cargo. The drive went from a two lane highway, to four, then eight, and for a little while ten lanes of traffic. The adrenaline flowed through my veins and my sense of anticipation was high. We arrived at the bus station and I had to walk the kids around for about a half an hour waiting for her bus to arrive, it was late. Part of the time they pretended to play the video games in a small arcade there, I didn't have to give them quarters, they just used their imaginations which was fine with me. Dawn's bus finally arrived and, after chasing my daughter down who was in pursuit of a pigeon, we were on our way back home. Dawn was sad and upset about leaving Michigan with her grandmother on her death bed, but she wanted to be back in Louisiana before Tony's birthday on the twenty seventh. She was happy to see us, and didn't show any kind of bad feelings towards me so I felt at ease and in control on the drive home. We arrived back here and it was already past time for me to do the kid's supper, so I went into my usual parent mode of checking my daughter's sugar, shots, fixing their food, etc. Dawn went into my parents house to say hi and talk to my mom. For the first half hour things went good. The kids were fed and Dawn and my mom were getting reacquainted, talking about her grandmother still being alive, but really not being here any more as her mind was gone. Her body just hadn't stopped working yet. I guess somewhere in their conversation the topic came up about her staying here and my mom refused. That's when the whole mood changed to two women having an argument about who would end up having custody of the three of us. Dawn is taking the stand of she wants her family back and she's gonna have them! To me, In a way I can see how she loves us like family, especially the kids, but right now I feel safer being here. My mom has never tried to harm me and Dawn has. But I slowly started to learn and realize that my life is no longer in my control. My mother has custody of the kids, Dawn is gonna fight her for that right, and they both want me with the kids to take care of them. That's still my job and responsibility. Some of you have talked about Autistic/Aspergians and mind blindness. This is another case of that. It took me longer than a normal person to realize that I'm not in control of my own life anymore. The world considers me developmentally disabled and not functional. They don't think I'm sane anymore and I'm starting to think they are right! I will never think I am not capable of taking care of my kid though. I always have and always will be a great parent. So back to the story, I had to be a bit of a mediator between these two women. It could've very well erupted into a fist fight if I just let them argue. My rationality and calmness kept the whole thing from turning into major drama, even though on the inside my nerves were completely on edge. I know they both have good intentions, but I still doubt Dawn has the best intentions for the three of us. Her life is still about her and she's still living by having different men to take care of her. She has a standby guy down here in case she needs him, and that's where she'll be staying for now. Close to Mississippi. She has a guy in Michigan that helps to take care of her while she's up there. While she was here, I bought her cigarettes and gave her some money. So this is nothing new to her, it's how she lives her life. If she ever gets her act together and has a safe, decent place for the kids to visit, we will, as long as she's not in a scary mood. But it would take plenty for her to prove to me she's out for the kids and my best interests. So after her staying last night and sleeping on the couch, even though my mom wanted her to sleep in my van, the kids and I took her to Waffle House, her career home, to meet up with the guy she'll be staying with. As I drove home my mind started to wander. I realized that my post's are like a book in progress that you people are reading as I write it. So my life is now a living book. Then it went further, it's more like a reality show, only you don't watch it, you read it! So here I am, an Aspergian who has created the next form of the reality craze. Spread the word, tell your friends and fans, let's get everyone in on this. There are no actor's, this is REAL reality and it's got all the elements of a good sitcom. It's a different kind of family with a different kind of drama. No producer's making fake drama to get your attention. I'm just stating the facts as they happen. Through story's, poetry, etc. you will continue to learn about everyone's life I've been talking about, and more! And if you order right now we'll even include............ ahh yeah, sorry. Started to get carried away :) But seriously, if you're reading this and you're not a follower of this blog, I would appreciate it if you became one. I really love it when someone leaves a comment or sends me an email, it makes me feel good. If you want to try to im me, if I'm in the right mood to talk, as it feels more personal and real life and scary, I will. If I don't answer an im, don't be offended. It's just my autistic fear taking over. Thanks for reading!
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:45 PM
Thinking of you and all you are going through. I don't have to try hard to follow this story, because I too have a similar family, the good thing is I removed myself from it. I am proud of you for being a good parent and putting your children 1st. They may not know how much you are helping them until later, but you are so important to their survival and sanity.I'm glad you have good parents. They will watch out for all of you. If I still lived in georgia where my family is, it would be so hard. My husband is great and my children didn't have to grow up in craziness like I did. I wish you lots of luck. I try to read each day but have been in a slight depression lately and skipped a couple of days. Hopefully I am coming out of it so that I can follow daily.Gina
August 22, 2009 12:38 AM
John Elder Robison said...
My best wishes to you . . .
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Reflections of Dawn's visit
As I clear my head this morning, take a deep breath and try to relax, my mind starts to reflect on Dawn's visit. Again I can see now the possible impact to myself and the kids. The battle that looms on the horizon. It's funny how with this keyboard I can look and sound completely normal, intelligent, humorous, and friendly. But the real world just looks at me as a man who has Aspergers, and has been put through way too much abuse and now isn't sane. My mind wanders back to my teenage years in Leslie, Michigan. There's a park downtown that kids would always gather at when someone was going to fight. This was one of those days, but the two participants didn't show up. So the crowd started looking for new action. They saw this small, underweight kid that seemed like the perfect prey. False rumors started, one kid says something to another, I'm talking to my best friend. Next thing you know, I'm being spun around and clocked right in the nose. The blood started to flow, and I started swinging. My whole life I've never backed down. I always defend myself. Now I'm thinking about a teenage dance I was at. This very uncoordinated, skinny, terrified boy dancing with a girl. She looks up at him and says, "Don't you know how to move your hips!" Thinking of that moment still makes me turn red with embarrassment, and gives me feelings of hating the body I've been given, the life I've been given. Sorry, my mind wandered again. Let's get back on track. So these two women are going to battle for custody of the kids, and in essence, me too. I'm sure love is not the only motivator. Money has to be one of the issues. More with Dawn than with my parents I'm sure, but they have enjoyed some of the money the three of us bring in every month since we've been here. It's ironic that most of the time I feel like a child trapped inside of my own head and now that's basically how I'm looked at and treated. Personally I would like to feel strong and independent enough to have control over my own life again, but I don't know if that will ever happen. I know if someone ever tried to separate the kids and I it would kill me. I couldn't survive without them. I wouldn't want to. Tony has love for his mom, he seems to have that strong family value that I've always had. He wants the four of us to be together. When the drama happened between Dawn and my mom, and Dawn was told she couldn't stay, Tony told my mom, the woman who's been helping to take care of him, the one who just recently went to the school with him to get him enrolled, he told her "I don't like you anymore. You're not my Nana!" I felt so bad for my son. I can relate to the feelings he's experiencing. I know this is a moment that will stick with him and haunt him. I want to just make everything all better for him, but I can't. Dawn of course, loved how he was taking the situation. He can't see that she's done next to nothing for him all of his life. He can only see that she's his mom, and he loves her. Tristyn enjoyed her being here, but when we dropped Dawn off, it wasn't a big deal to her. I've always been her mom and dad. Since day one, come to think of it, even before that. I used to sing to Dawn's belly, rub it, hold it, I was so protective of Dawn while she was pregnant with my children that if someone wanted to fight her, they'd have to get through me, and the one girl that tried didn't. I had to pick that girl up and carry her out of the house while she was hitting me in the head and face. But I wouldn't let her near my unborn child to cause damage. I didn't hit her back, just carried her outside, set her down and told her to go home. If Dawn wouldn't have been pregnant, I would have let the girl fight her. She would've lost anyhow. Dawn's tough! Sorry, back to the story. My mom was very straight forward with Dawn. Telling her she's never been a part of her family's life and she only wants what's best for her. I see it that way too. I know Dawn has love for her kids, but if that was me in the same situation, I would've been on my knees begging to not be separated from the kids. I wouldn't have been on the phone with other's that I have relationships with, but she talked to a few of her men right in the same room with me. She really only proved to us all that she's never gonna change. Dawn did tell me that she wouldn't want full custody, that she couldn't handle taking care of the kids on her own. Which basically means she wants me to do the job. She knows I'm what's best for the kids. I don't know what's gonna happen but you'll be able to read about it here. I'm still having many suicidal thoughts but I'm dealing with them. The extra meds don't seem to be making a difference. I still feel the same every day. Trapped in a world I can't control. Doing the only things that I can do good anymore, taking care of the kids and hammering away at these keys. Man...... what a life I have :) Thank you for reading my friends!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
When will I go?
When will I go. I no longer want to stay. The skies in my life are always grey. There is no more magic, no joy to this life. I don't have any friends, lovers, or a wife. The food has no taste, I don't want to roam. I just huddle, scared and tired, in my little home. I love my kids dearly and I know they need me. There's a longing in my soul for it to be free. Free of this body that I've never controlled. Free to fly up to heaven, to have God to hold. When happiness is gone and you no longer want to live, how much longer can a human being give. I still feel love, for everyone out there. I want peace and lucidity, and for every soul to share. Kindness and giving, a beautiful world. This is all I want for my boy and my girl. As for me, weary, ready to leave this place. Take my last breath, and let an angel embrace. I don't want any tears or sorrow for me. Just remember my dream and make it be. Fix this world for all the lost sheep. Make it paradise, before we all go to sleep.
posted by ScottCrawley at 1:18 PM
Scott,Bitter Sweet!! Your words remind me so much of my brother. Please know that I miss him dearly. He passed in his sleep but I know from his girlfriend that your thoughts were his. I would suffer much more today if he would have taken his own life. You will be missed!! You have so much to offer. Remember John Elder Robison was that same age as you are today when he was diagnosed and feeling like you are today and see how rich his life is now!! Your work is not done here!!! I think life is about suffering sometimes. God only knows when our time is finished!!With Love,Laura
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Don't be scared, it's only your mind
Don't be scared, it's only your mind. Be not afraid to just leave it behind. Let it fall down below to a deep, dark well. Be happy and laugh at your life all in hell. Smile brightly at those who don't understand. Watch their minds slip, and take them by the hand. Down insanity's path the world will run. Lunatics marching and carrying guns. An army of phyco's taking over this place. Either you join us, or take one in the face. Here we come to your towns and all the neighborhoods. Destroying everything, especially the good. Look all around you, Armageddon's at hand. Look at the red sky, it's the end of all man. As I watch this whole planet die, frightened and sweating, I open my eyes.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Why do the autistic repeat?
As I once again witness my son having a meltdown over a game, myself and my mother trying to joke with him, talk to him, get him to either calm down or take a break from playing. He doesn't want to. Even though this game has him completely in tears, extremely frustrated and upset, he doesn't want to stop. The autistic seem to get stuck in the same routines like that. I will watch certain movies over and over and over. The kids are the same way, Tristyn LOVES Wall-E. I know some of it has to be a comfort thing, but continuing an activity that is causing us great emotional stress doesn't make sense. But we do it anyway. In conversation we only seem to want to talk about whatever our mind is stuck on at that moment. Again, Tony will talk about games for hours, even describing and explaining while he's playing. I guess the reason when I write that my mind will wander is partly due to to my depressive disorder as the phychs put it. Again, I don't know. I'm just trying to figure this whole thing out. Just like the rest of the world. I am sure I've suffered from depression my whole life. My first suicide attempt was as a young teenager. I had a really bad day. My best friend stole my girl. I was smart enough at the time to not put the blame on him, guy's will take what they can get from girls, but she was my first love and she didn't have the same feelings for me. We never had sex, due to me not going after it like a normal guy would. Mr. Aspergers here in his delusional world of waiting for the perfect moment when it was romantic and we'd end up spending the rest of our lives together. Mindblindness. So I look for someone to relate my feelings to and it's the girl that my best friend had dumped for my girl. My dad didn't want to give me money for gas, I left anyways. I needed her shoulder and comfort. On the way home I ran out of gas. My dad had to come help me and when I arrived back home he beat me badly. That night before bed I was in such a terrible emotional state that I ate every pill I could find in the medicine cabinet. I don't remember much after that except waking up in the hospital. I've had other attempts, many of them, which I might go over in future posts. So yes, I do believe it is a depressive disorder due to my autism. But enough of that. I have to go ya'll. I need to make the kid's supper. I will write again soon. Take care and be happy. I'm not, someone has to be. :)
Saturday, August 22, 2009
This is my world, Deal with it!
Hello world. Welcome to Confessions of an Aspergian. The incredible online reality show where we look at the lives of a very interesting and extremely crazy family of Aspergians and one old lady trying to hold it all together. Staring Scott Crawley as the Aspergian who has lost all his marbles so he's switched to playing poker! His two Aspergian kids Tony and Tristyn with all the normal wild and cute antics of children plus a few creepy surprises thrown in. Also staring Patrick Crawley, Scott's abusive Aspergian father who's got issue's all his own. Pauline, his otherwise normal mother who eventually will lose it from trying to keep this phyco family on track and in control. And Finally Dawn, the abusive ex-girlfriend/babymoma who wants her family back at any cost! That word creepy up there.......that's funny. In school I used to be called Creepy Crawley! Maybe that's what the show should be called. The Creepy Crawley's! Alright, I hear ya. Enough fantasizing. Back to reality. Well at least mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in two worlds. Sometimes this world seems more like a bad dream to me and my real world where I'm more normal and accepted happens after I go to sleep. I wonder if anyone else feels like that. When I dream it seems like I can do so much more and I'm such a better person. Then I wake up and it's back to the nightmare! I don't know, maybe the drugs that the phychs have me on make me feel the way I do, maybe it's because my mind is gone, maybe it's just my Aspergers, are you tired of me saying maybe yet? Sorry, just seeing if you're still with me. So the kids have had supper, my daughters sugar has been like a ping-pong ball today, up and down extremely. It scares me on days it's like that. I don't want to lose her. I feel sorry for parents who lose their kids before they go. My mom's probably scared like that now for me. But I'm still going, day by day. Ignoring or avoiding my suicidal impulses and doing my job. Living my life. Yeah, you're right, I'm doing this writing to fight off those impulses. Mom's talking to me about my ex sister-in-law now cousin-in-law, sounds mighty redneck,huh? She's worried about my cousin cheating on her. I don't know if he is or not, but I know I couldn't handle all of the relationship drama with my mind and it's present state. The state of insanity :) I just couldn't handle it. So, has anyone figured out exactly what kind of world mine is yet? Send in your emails, your comments, your im's. Good or bad, I'll take 'em. Tell me what you think. Should I continue my writing?Does anyone really care? Or am I just a waste of web-space? C'mon world, hit me with your best shot.
posted by ScottCrawley at 5:52 PM
Scott,I like your writing especially your poems. My son has a world of his own too. Before he was diagnosed, he called it "Jared's World". Everything was fun in Jared's world. Everyone in town played the Wii all day! He wouldn't tell me a lot about it. When I questioned him about Jared's World, he shut completely down. I think he only told me the stuff he could trust me with. Now that he is on meds he doesn't talk about Jared's World anymore. I think you should consider writing a book too! I've always wanted to write one about Parenting an Aspergian....Take Care,LauraXOXO
August 22, 2009 7:15 PM
I think you should continue to write even if you think nobody's reading it, which we are. I think you have an outlet thru your writing and I agree with Laura's post, you should write a book.
August 22, 2009 7:21 PM
"I'm doing this writing to fight off those impulses."That's as good a reason to write as any ;) And I continue to read. Funny (well, not really, but kind of) that you were called "Creepy Crawley" as a kid. I hadn't thought of that possibility until just the other night when I was looking at your last name and thought, "You know, I wonder if he ever had the nickname..." :)As to imaginary worlds, my son tends to include me in his--right now I'm Tinkerbell. When he's stressed or I'm stressed and therefore making him stressed, he goes into this other world, usually inhabited by princesses and Mary Poppins. And now my daughter's up. putting down the computer...
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Evolution or Armageddon?
I was just im'ing with Lisa Brennan and came up with that thought about autism. I have the theory that it's evolution. That the human race is evolving with each generation to be less social because we have less of a need to. But yeah, it could be looked at a different way to. It could be looked at as the beginning of Armageddon. Humans slowly being unable to take care of themselves. I don't know. I do know when I started down this latest path of depression, wasn't eating at all, drinking and smoking way too much, I call it partying like a rock star, I dropped twenty five pounds, my clothes were falling off me, my mom called the cops on me and I was locked up in the hospital talking about how all of the autistic are angels put here on earth to clean up after Armageddon is over with. I still don't know if I had just lost my mind or was being touched and inspired by god. The experts just think I'm crazy and I did too much drugs and alcohol in my life. But I'm clean now and I still have that belief in a way. I will never stop feeling like after Dawn and I split up and I was alone with the kids, I felt love, guidance, like someone was helping me. That's the first time I told my mom I felt like I was touched by god and he was helping me. From that point on, about four years ago, she's thought I was crazy. I don't know. The phychs still ask me if I hear voices or if I'm receiving any messages from god. If I still think I'm an angel. I just answer no to them and tell them it's just a religious point of view to me now, nothing more. I guess that's the truth. None of us knows. Meanwhile, society will just continue to blame immunization shots for autism, and continue to call me crazy. I can deal with that. One thing is for sure, each day autism is getting more noticed and each generation is getting more prominent symptoms. You decide world, evolution or Armageddon?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Lack of Consideration
Hello my friends. It's another day in this crazy, messed up but still beautiful world for all of us. As usual, I woke up sick from the meds, as the day goes on I just feel more high than anything else so it's ok. I can deal with it. After taking a few day's to get settled at her man of the moment's house, Dawn called. She never really asks much about how the kids or I are doing when she calls. Most of the time it's because she's bored or upset and needs someone to talk to. Self-centered. Knowing that I'm living in the state of insanity right now, you'd think she'd refrain from talking to me about her and some other guy's life. Not that it brings up any jealousy issues with me, we've been apart way too long for that. But it does make me feel sad and completely unloved that she will do that, but never wanted me to act like that. In the four years that we've been apart I only had one girlfriend. Like most people, including Dawn, if you have a significant other in your life, they're gonna come up in conversation. But if I did that I would always get, "Don't talk about her to me! I don't wanna hear about that b!#ch!" So as this twenty minute phone call drags on it's all about Teddy this and Teddy that and his apartment is so messy I had to clean it up.......etc. The whole time my mind is thinking, "How can she sit there and treat me like this. With no consideration for my mood or state of mind?" Her conversation always ends with, "Give the kids kisses and hugs for me." I never do. If she wanted that she'd try to see them more. But like the last time she was down here, we'll see her once every couple of weeks when she's bored. Then when her life goes bad down here and she can't get help from me she'll run back up to Michigan to be with her man up there. Sometimes I'd just like to slap myself across the face for being with her in the first place. But I'll never be sorry for having my kids. I love them more than life itself. I think I do like it better when she's in Michigan. I hear from her less and therefore it causes me less stress and anxiety. I feel like she looks at all guys the same. Yeah, they look different on the outside, but to her it doesn't matter who she's with, as long as someone is there to take care of her. She's willing to wait tables for money to buy green, or cigs, or her personal things. I don't know. I need to get my mind off from her before I sink further into depression. Let's see..........hmmmmm........oh well, I tried can't do it. My mind just took me back to another suicide attempt. It was when Dawn was pregnant with Tony. I was working at Motor City Casino in Detroit and living in a very small, but cute apartment in Jackson, Michigan. As usual it was a case where she wanted things her way and I had a different opinion, she pushes my stress level to the roof, and then tells me she's going to get an abortion and walks out. I couldn't see it back then but Dawn uses drama to get the things she wants. She figures if she throws a big enough fit and pushes enough buttons she'll get her way. She never really intended on getting an abortion, but like most of my life, I took those words as true. So after drinking about half of a fifth of Jack Daniels, I opened my wrist. I cut clear down to the tendon. If I moved my hand and bent my wrist you could see the tendon slide back and forth working the way it should. I was bleeding severely, but didn't hit the artery otherwise I'd probably have been gone. A friend came over and patched my drunken broken soul up. What does Dawn say when she finds out about this? "I wanna see it. Come over to my house." Again, that should've been a big clue to me. Aspergers and mindblindness. How I love it. So I go over and show her, in her pregnant state seeing my wrist causes her to throw up, and then she wants sympathy from me for how she feels! Sometimes I feel like a genius and other times I feel so retarded. How could I have been with her for five years and had a second child with her. I don't know. Maybe you have some answers my friends, my listeners and followers of my posts. Talk to me. Let me know what you think. Maybe I've just been insane all along. I don't know...........
posted by ScottCrawley at 11:19 AM
Hey, Scott. I'm so sorry to hear that things are tough for you. I hope to be able to read more about your situation. You are an excellent writer.Jenn (from school) :)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Memories of my youth gone wild
As some of you know, I grew up in the small town of Leslie, Michigan. Being an autistic, out of control kid most of the time, at thirteen my parents let me run wild. I know my dad just didn't want me around, and my loving, but naive mother thought the town was too small for me to be in any kind of danger so she let me go. Every day after school, and in the summers from the time I woke up, I was exploring my town and trying to learn about life. So here I am thirteen, smoking, drinking and doing drugs. Partying with teen and adults, most of whom were older than me. I was up for any kind of stunt which gave me some of my popularity. I never really cared if I was putting my life at risk, as long as I wasn't risking anyone Else's. Like taking a trip to the fifties, Leslie had one main block, with of course, Main Street in the front. Kids would cruise around and around this block, parking in the back sometimes to talk, or drink, do their drugs, etc. I could often be seen on top of my own or someone Else's vehicle riding around screaming like a mad man. There were times that some of us would have older fire extinguishers that you could open and refill and pressurize at the air pumps by the gas stations. We'd fill them up with all kinds of different and sometimes disgusting liquids and drive around ambushing other kids and their cars. Many times their were egg wars. It seemed like where ever the action or party was, I had to be there. I'm sure I still have somewhat of a reputation in the town for being such a bad boy. To me I was just having fun. The rumors about me were great. Every time I had a surgery on my knees someone was saying I got into some kind of accident. I hung around with a few of the criminal elements in the town, so I got a reputation as a criminal, never did any of it. I was always too scared of jail to break the law. But I got accused many times and even arrested once. Never convicted. I also had a reputation as a devil worshiper. Must have been the music I listened to. I never minded any of the legends that spread through the town about me. I felt like at least I'd be remembered. But yes I was wild. One of my guardian angels back then was my best friend Charlie. He would always keep me from going over the edge, crossing the line, etc. Even when I was away from him his voice was right there in my head. "Scott, fifteen will get you twenty! You know better than that Scott. You wanna go to prison and be some one's b!#ch?" Charlie has always had his act together, even still today. He's only chose to be friends with people who were themselves, not liars pretending to get attention. If I could've lived my life in a different way I would have chosen to live like him. Because of the abuse I had at home from my brother and father, sometimes I would live downtown on the streets. Sleeping at night in a stairway leading up to apartments, or in the cemetery in the summer time. Sometimes I would stay with friends. There was a time when I was staying at a house downtown where some of the criminal elements lived. Also living there was another guardian angel of mine, Matt. Matt was a beautiful soul. He could get a look so mean on his face that he could scare someone twice his size out of fighting, but he really was gentle. He was caring and compassionate, and again was always there to look out for this strange skinny kid who was too wild and crazy to watch out for himself. Matt kept me from going out on adventures with others in the house to cause criminal mischief. Matt kept me in line. Matt was a dear friend. Sadly, the woman he was living with in that house broke his heart so severely that he took his own life. I still miss him to this day. And on that sad note I guess I'll stop for now. I'm feeling a little sad and need to find something to clear my mind. If you have any questions or comments, you know you can leave 'em. Thanks for reading! :)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Depression is so depressing
Hello keys, it's me again. Using you to get out of this mood that I'm in. Moving my thoughts from my head to the screen. Trying to forget bad things that I've seen. For some reason today I just want to cry. I try to cheer up, but still just want to die. I think of happy days, my life in the past. But happy thoughts, they don't seem to last. It always changes to a sad memory. Causing me still to not want to be. One day I will get out of this state. Sometime soon, I hope, I will feel great. Again, here they come as I'm writing this poem. Depressing memories is where my mind wants to roam. Friends who have passed and gone who knows where. In my mind I still love them, I still find I care. A guy once blew his head off, five feet from me. That event happened at Motor City. C'mon Scott, start feeling all right. Don't let yourself pass into the night. Yes I am troubled, yes I'm not well. Right now my mind continues to put me through hell. Can't these phychs find the right meds. Can't they do something to fix my head. Another day I'll just say I don't know. Down into depression I'll continue to go. But I'm glad that you all are talking to me. Helping me through, helping me see. Don't you worry, I'm not going yet. When I decide to you'll know, I'll bet!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Anticipation of tomorrow
Anthony is set to make his return to school tomorrow. My nerves are a little heightened in anticipation of days to come. I just hope there will be more good days than bad. I also hope he can make it through the year. It all depends on how well he can adjust to that environment without his emotions getting the best of him. I hope he's grown enough to handle it. Most of the time he's still like a four year old instead of acting eight. Part of his Aspergers. My mood has improved from earlier. I'm sure partly due to getting him prepared for tomorrow. I feel worry in the pit of my stomach. I can't deny it. I'm scared for him. It's hard to think of him not having me there to help and protect him. I don't want him to grow up the way I did. I don't want to many bad experiences haunting him and turning his skies grey like mine. I want him to have a happy and wonderful life. I want him to know so much more than I did, to not be surprised by the reality of life when you grew up thinking life was a Disney movie, like I did. I was so naive, time and time again. He should have it better, I hope. Wow, a parents love. Incredible, huh? I know some of you can relate. I'm glad my mood is calmer, more serene and peaceful, but just a little anxious. It's all good. I hope whatever your life involves and whoever's in it that it's all good for you too!
posted by ScottCrawley at 6:41 PM
Today is the best day we have had around here in awhile, so I'm feeling optimistic about Elliot returning to school Wednesday. Anxious, but knowing not every day will be as much of a battle as the past several have been. Hoping the best along with you for Anthony's first day :)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
A world of wonder
I reflect on early days, I might have been three. The world was beautiful, and wondrous as can be. There was magic when I was a kid, in everything I saw, and everything I did. Remember the snow, how it crunched as we strolled. The chills up your spine when scary stories were told. The smell in the air after a cool spring rain. The shock and surprise of a first time pain. Do you recall how strong love used to feel? They say kids can't feel love, but we know it was real. The electric excitement of a young kiss. Those incredibly new feelings are things that I miss. A party to go to, we just couldn't wait. Even strong anger and feelings of hate. Seeing a bird fly high in the sky. Watching a newborn baby open it's eyes. A lovely young deer walking by a campfire. passion building, higher and higher. The closeness of friends, that warm special bond. All of these feelings we try to hold on. They lose some of the magic and intensity. No longer a wonder will this world be. We are all now used to the things that we feel. But once upon a time, the magic was real.
posted by ScottCrawley at 9:42 PM
Still, I'm surprised at times at the continued "magic and intensity" you described, at the ongoing wonder. Not always, but sometimes, and those are the moments that matter most to me.And, of course, given the title of this post, I couldn't help but recall these lyrics from Bruce Cockburn's song "World of Wonders":there's a rainbow shining in a bead of spittlefalling diamonds in rattling rainlight flexed on moving musclei stand here dazzled with my heart in flames (at this...)world of wonders...
Monday, August 24, 2009
Good luck Tony!
Well my boy's off to school today. Not sure if he can handle it emotionally and make it through the year, but we'll see. He's all excited and happy, in his mind still thinking school's all fun and games. It won't take him long to realize there's work involved too. Yes, I'm still experiencing all of those emotions that parents feel at moments like these, and I keep telling myself that it's my Aspergers that makes these emotions so hard for me to handle. Plus I'm sure the depression doesn't help. I still have a hard time getting some people to understand that yes, everything that an autistic person experiences or goes through normal people go through too. People can have depression, or anxiety, or fears, etc. It's the ability to process these emotions, to handle them, to still be able to function and go on without having a meltdown, that's the main difference between the autistic and the normal. Even seeing someone that's Autistic trying to socialize and failing or not understanding, or even withdrawing is not easy for a normal person to understand. Right now in the state I'm in I can't handle being social at all. I have a hard time just going to the store or to see the phychs. I can express myself just fine with this keyboard, but put me in front of people and I'd panic, withdraw, stutter, etc. Unless I was singing. I'm still trying to explain about myself and the kids to Dawn. Some of it she can see now. She's know me nine years now and it's hard for her to relate to many of our issues. She's still having a hard time dealing with some of her own, although she is very much a people person so socialization is not one of them. She is starting to understand very well that I am on the edge. That I can't handle drama, or any kind of bad or negative emotion right now. That right now I really do want to be dead. She's seen my open wrist before, and she knows it's the kids that are keeping me going, keeping me here. I still don't know if I'll ever recover. I'm using this writing as therapy to help get all of these issues and emotions out of my head and it helps some. I still woke up this morning wishing I hadn't. It's the having to deal with emotions every day and how hard it is on my soul that makes me so suicidal I think. I'm not an expert, and right now I feel more like a lunatic so I don't know. Any thought's, idea's, suggestions, comments, jokes, etc. What ever. You know if you're reading this that I like the feedback, the attention, the love. As always, thanks for listening world.
posted by ScottCrawley at 11:33 AM
Scott you are a divine creation inspired by God and though it is hard to see how a condition like Aspergers or Autism can be divine, you do make a difference in this world. It is good you are using your keyboard as your voice, I hope my son will someday have that voice too, you help me to see him in a new light and for that I am grateful. You will make it one day at a time and I will pray for you and your children.
August 24, 2009 1:32 PM
Scott,Still loving it that you are here writing on your blog. I had a tough day today with Jared. He is 8. He was almost kicked out of the day camp for biting. He is not a malicious kid but I think he is so frustrated with being teased and trying to fit in that he lost it today and bit a kid. I don't condone his behavior and I explained that his choice was not the right one, but I can understand where he is coming from. The frustrating thing for me is trying to get normal people to understand that this behavior is not bad behavior per se, it is just him trying to release his frustration. I don't know how to explain the neurotypical world to him and I don't know how to explain the autistic world to neurotypicals. Any suggestions would be appreciated???? I'm so frustrated myself I could just cry!!
Monday, August 24, 2009
A plea for help
Tonight I read the following comment on my posting from earlier today.......Laura said...Scott, Still loving it that you are here writing on your blog. I had a tough day today with Jared. He is 8. He was almost kicked out of the day camp for biting. He is not a malicious kid but I think he is so frustrated with being teased and trying to fit in that he lost it today and bit a kid. I don't condone his behavior and I explained that his choice was not the right one, but I can understand where he is coming from. The frustrating thing for me is trying to get normal people to understand that this behavior is not bad behavior per se, it is just him trying to release his frustration. I don't know how to explain the neurotypical world to him and I don't know how to explain the autistic world to neurotypicals. Any suggestions would be appreciated???? I'm so frustrated myself I could just cry!!First of all Laura, I feel for you deeply and can relate completely. I went through exactly the same kind of things with Tony in kindergarten and first grade. This is the reason I pulled him out of first grade and home schooled him for a year and a half. He was biting, and hitting and kicking both teachers and students. I was told by the school that there might be charges pressed when he bit his teacher hard enough to draw blood and she had to get a shot at the hospital. Through those first two years of school for him I tried different punishments, I tried talking and explaining to him that he could not behave in that way. He once was even pulled out of the school by the police officer that they have stationed there and taken to the mental health facility. For your sons the only thing I can recommend is repetition. Repeat, repeat, repeat. This is one of the few things that I consider my father doing right when he was raising me. Abusing me didn't help, although between him and my brother they made me too scared and insecure to lash out like our children do. Which does show you that your boy is raised in a loving environment. He's not scared to show his emotions. He doesn't keep them locked up inside like I've done most of my life. But yes, repeat what you are trying to teach him as much as you can, day after day. For some reason the mind of an autistic person has a hard time accepting any new information that conflicts with how they think or feel at that time. I can't explain why, I'm not an expert, I'm just living with it so I know. People also have to look at the fact that in his mind he's younger than his body's age. My son is eight and in his mind he's about four. My daughter is going to be five but she barely acts like a two year old. With me, I am almost forty, I have that many years of knowledge and experience with the world, I can pretend to be an adult quite well, but most of the time I still feel like a child myself. I'm guessing roughly around ten. The world has to understand that emotions are SO much more amplified with all the autistic, no matter where on the spectrum they fall. The sensory side of our brain is different too. I still can't stand raw cotton, don't know why. Any kind of emotional or sensory overload can send us into a meltdown, or even self-defense mode. Some could call it an instinct of self-preservation. This is why your son does what he does. It will take time and patience from everyone until he learns how to better control his emotions and understands how to control himself. I still have my doubts as to whether or not Tony is ready, but I'm trying him in school again this year. The first sign of trouble I'm going to pull him back out. No one with this condition should be expected to handle that type of environment until they are ready. Some of the autistic may never be. But all of the emotional and sensory issues in a school environment can cause multiple meltdowns in a single day. No one would want to be subjected to an environment they can't handle. There are normal people that are scared of spiders and wouldn't want to be put in a room full of them. The examples can go on and on. You as the parent will know how much your child can handle and if you don't feel he can take it pull him out. The main job of our schools in this country is nothing more than a training ground to teach our children how to conform to rules and regulations so they can grow and enter the working environment and pay their taxes. Our country isn't hard to figure out, it's just a big money machine and we're the ones keeping it going. So you can't expect the schools to really care about the children as much as parents do. They're just making their money and paying their taxes. We have to take a stand. We have to look out for our Aspergian and Autistic Angels.
posted by ScottCrawley at 8:04 PM
Laura and Scott, I am so with you on this as I prepare to send Elliot back to school (fortunately a developmental preschool that will work with kids on the spectrum) on Wednesday. He's been screaming/biting/kicking/spitting/hitting/throwing/breaking things around home lately, several meltdowns a day, though the last 2 have been MUCH better. I'm hopeful but realistically anxious about school. Good to know I am not alone in this.
August 24, 2009 8:53 PM
Scott,Thank You!! Your insight is very very much helpful. I know as parents we can only do the best we know how to do at the time. I just want my sons to be happy and well adjusted. I just want people to understand him and help him. Your friend,Laura P.S. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well. Please stay well!!
August 24, 2009 8:56 PM
"For some reason the mind of an autistic person has a hard time accepting any new information that conflicts with how they think or feel at that time."*bells ringing*That's a very concise way of putting it. It has taken me so long to figure that out about myself, to the point where I could actually explain to someone that I'm not capable of rational discussion when I'm feeling upset or threatened.
August 25, 2009 11:36 AM
You write beautifully Scott and I as read your posts, I admire all of the efforts you are making to offer your children a better world.A lot of of us are dealing with similar problems with our children being rejected. Below is my yesterday's ranting...Wow! After reading the article below I am so mad!http://www.wkrg.com/raw_news/article/fla.-officials-struggle-with-school..."Wilson said other behavioral approaches should have been tried first but that physical restraint can be used safely if designed to avoid pain and injury. "We're not talking about putting someone in a prone position because they wouldn't do their homework," Wilson said. "We're talking about someone who is in the middle of biting themselves, smashing their heads into the wall, attacking another client, throwing chairs across the room that could break bones."My little boy was that "someone..." four years ago Wilson. And the more prone face down and supine face up restraints were used upon him the more scarred physically and emotionally he ended up.Giving him a hug, telling him that I loved him in a soothing tone without saying how awful his behavior was would de-escalate the situation... Obviously, when there is such an extreme behavior there is always a trigger that needs to be found out."Wilson said abolishing prone restraint would increase the use of psychotropic medications and result in more expulsions, residential placements and calls to police, who aren't so concerned about avoiding pain or injury."Guess what Wilson... I fought with all of my might to stop the use of such restraints and I did not resort to psychotropic medications either. Today, my son is 100% mainstreamed in 4th grade and excelling academically. We just had to work on healing his gut and educating people like you! There is indeed hope for those kids!Yesterday, my son was punished for having been unfocused in his math class. He had to walk for 5 minutes at recess.So no matter how many mountains our children have to move in order to fit into our society they still get in trouble...Arggggghhh time for a glass of wine!Cheers!Christine
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Fighting off the impulses again
Hello my friends. I hope you are doing good today. Today's another day for me to go see the phychs. I just finished printing out all of my posts. They asked me to bring them in. I guess it will give them a better look into my mind. It has all of you. Yesterday was hard. I don't know if it shows in my postings or not. I tried to keep myself in a positive mood. But all day long and into the night, the same overpowering impulse to just end it all was right there on my shoulder, trying to push me over the edge. Taking some of the quizzes on facebook helped, along with joking about the outcomes with a few close friends. Laura's comment on my posting helped. It again made me feel like I had some purpose in this life to stick around for. To help others dealing with autism to understand better and maybe find answers. I still think if the whole community of people dealing with autism or living with it would talk and communicate and search for the answers we'd all be better off. I think we'd find them. I don't feel like I'm really needed anymore by my children. I know they love me but my parents can handle them fine. My dad treats them both a hundred times better than he did me, perhaps due to me discovering his, mine, and Tony's Aspergers. I think he understands himself better now. I still personally would just rather be dead. I know I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to get attention. I'm sure not trying to attract a mate, all my writings would scare any girl off, lol. Besides I've already said I'm in no shape to handle all of the emotions that go along with that. I wouldn't be any good for anyone right now. I don't think I'm even any good for myself. Perhaps I should just tell the phychs to keep me under heavy sedation. I like that song by the Ramones. I wanna be sedated! It doesn't even matter to me what they think of me anymore. If they lock me up again, it's probably because I need it. I don't know, can someone be sane, intelligent, loving and caring, and still just want to die? I'm sorry if this is upsetting or hurting anyone out there reading this. That's not my intention. Again, this is just an attempt by me to sort all of this out inside my own twisted head. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can a person have some much love for the world, want nothing for himself, and still just want to leave? I don't know if this is even helping anymore. I just don't know. My kids are so beautiful. I hope the world loves them more than it hates them. Why didn't my brother ever love me? We were walking home once from school and this guy bigger than both of us was trying to fight with Brian. Brian just kept on walking as the guy shoved him time and time again. My emotions reached the point to where I couldn't take seeing my brother treated like that anymore, I exploded and jumped on his back, like a crazy little chimpanzee, flailing my arms and beating on him. He threw me in the ditch and started beating on me. I cried out for my brother to help............. He just kept walking away. Man, it hurts so bad still thinking about that. I've got a lump in the pit of my soul. Why has the world never loved me? I've always tried to be good, do the right things, have the right kind of values. My mother has loved me the same way she loves her dogs. She spoils them with attention too. She protects them. Takes them to the vet. But she doesn't understand them just like she's never understood me. I don't know my friends. I don't know how much longer I'll be around. I don't know how long I can resist the urge to go. Each day that passes gives me less of a reason to continue the fight to live. Maybe god will take me. I know I've got liver problems from taking way too many aspirin due to all the pain in my knees. Then there was that thirteen days of partying like a rock star where I was downing fifth's, smoking green, not eating, dropping twenty five pounds, and for a skinny kid that's alot. I've had two bad test results on my liver. I also suffer from low blood sugar. I have pain in my kidneys. These pills that the phychs have me on give me chest pains. They make my pulse race more than it normally does. Constant headaches. I'm sorry, I'm just dumping all of my problems on you guys, and you shouldn't be subjected to my misery. I will stop now. I love you all. I'll let you know what the phychs say, if I'm still a free man :) Take care and have a great day everybody!!
posted by ScottCrawley at 10:35 AM
Scott,Keep on holding on. I know this world is painful. Here is a poem for you:Footprints in the Sand One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there were one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you." Mary Stevenson I think of you often!! You are a tremendous help and can help others with Aspergers. With Love,Laura
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
My only conclusion
I hope everyone is well today. As you know by reading my previous posts, I've been reflecting on past suicide attempts. They all happened at a period in my life where something very emotional was affecting me. Right now I don't feel that this is the case. I'm in a deep state of depression, I have been since last Thanksgiving at least, but there is no real serious drama going on in my life right now to make me feel this way. This thought is leading me to the answer that it has to be the anti-depressants making me feel this way. My trip to the phychs yesterday was really not a help. They took my stack of papers showing all my postings from this blog, told me to keep taking the meds in my current doses and let me go. So I feel like I'm not getting much help from them. They just view me as another patient to make money off from. I don't know what to do from here. I know suicide is not the answer so I'm sure I can continue to fight off the impulses even though at times they are very severe. I am just not sure if I should stop with the meds all together or not. I don't want to live like this, who would. It's hell going through life every day just wanting to die. I would appreciate any advice that anyone has on anti-depressants as far as what happens if you stop taking them. Does anyone think my depression will get worse? Should I stop taking the meds?
posted by ScottCrawley at 9:49 AM
Scott, please don't stop the meds!! I'm afraid it would make you feel worse. I tried going of of mine just to change to a NEWER & BETTER drug. I was going into it positive. I had been on the same drug for 14 yrs, then i seemed to need just a little something to help out, that's when my primary care physician suggested this new drug (He is on the board at Eli Lilly) so he says this drug is great. I had to go off of the original drug for about a week and then start the new drug. It was hell, Don't do it!! Even after the new drug kicked in it was still hell. I had to again go off of the new drug for a week to go back to the original old drug, this was not worth it to me. I have a very loving and supportive family and it was still a living hell. I won't try again, But I guess it isn't the same for everyone. My 20 yr old son (Aspergers diagnosis @ 13yr) went off of his 2 meds when he dropped off of our insurance at 19 yrs old. He ended up going to the Dr. and getting on a new antidepressant, he opted not to take the anti-psychotic this time. he is doing well, they did up his dose last month but he does seem to be doing better. He still doesn't work, but he is showing an interest in maybe learning to drive. He wouldn't even attempt the thought of driving without his meds. I know this is only one suggestion, but maybe you'll get enough answers to help you decide. Good luck and I hope you feel better,I have been there so I know how bad you want to feel better. Also, I also took my 20 yr old out of school when he was in 4th grade. You are right about the schools, we tried public and then a christian school that said they really would work with us, They ended up asking my son Scott to leave the school, even making my other son leave too. My child was so much happier not having those daily meltdowns! Good luck with your son too.
August 26, 2009 9:38 PM
Scott,Stay on the meds! Don't go off of them alone! You need to be supervised by a physician when you go off. Some of these drugs you have to be weaned off of. I would suggest maybe getting a second opinion. I would especially look for a Dr. who specializes in adult autism. I'm glad to hear that you are managing the impulses. I think you are doing great! Keep writing! I love to hear from you!Take Care,
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Happy Birthday Tony
Well today Anthony makes eight. I'm sure he's had some attention at school due to his birthday and he's anticipating coming home to get presents. I know he'll like what I got him. More video games, his favorite obsession. Yesterday he had only been in school for his third day and already brought home one of those bad reports that look all official that parents have to sign. The official charge on the paper was throwing a missile with intent to harm another student. Really what happened was he became frustrated over his work and threw his pencil on the desk. It bounced and hit another student. I'm sure it won't be too much longer and we'll be pulling him again. The trouble is starting already and the school isn't any better equipped to handle autistic kids than they were two years ago when I pulled him out. He needs one on one attention all the time from someone who knows how to handle autistic kids but that's not going to happen. Around here there are no schools for the autistic so he'll go back to being home schooled if and when he's pulled out again. Dawn is planning on showing up here today with her new boyfriend for Tony's birthday. I tried to explain to her that the kids don't need to keep seeing her with different guys all the time but she don't care. It doesn't matter to her how she's gonna look to them when they're old enough to understand. I don't get her and I don't think I ever will I just know that she has no compassion or sympathy for my feelings and what I'm going through. I don't know. I'll handle it the best I can like I've always done with her. And I'm sure this is more of a trip for him to meet the kids because she likes showing them off to everybody. My nerves are on edge. I don't know why she just continues to only think of herself and what she wants. Never what's best for the kids or me. It bothers me that I would do things so much differently if she had custody of the kids and was taking care of them like she was supposed to. I would live somewhere close, see them as much as possible, and pay support plus I'm sure I would spend extra on them because of my love for them. She hasn't seen them since she left. Won't be here too long today, and again is mainly doing this for her man to meet them, not for Tony. Well I will try and I hope it's a good day for my son anyways. For those of you who are wondering, yes I am still on my meds for now. I think they are the reason not only for the continued suicidal thoughts but also the pain I've been having in my kidneys. My next visit to the psychs I'm going to have to insist that they at least try me on something different. I can't continue to live feeling sick everyday, having pain in my head and lower back, dizzy all the time, and suicidal just to help with my depression. If they don't switch the meds I am gonna stop taking them and see what happens. We'll see. Well, as always thanks for reading and I will post more tonight on how Tony's day went. God bless you all!
posted by ScottCrawley at 3:00 PM
Scott,The one thing that I've learned about people, and I am not trying to make excuses for them, is that people can only do what they are CAPABLE of doing. It sounds like Dawn has a lot of issues of her own. I think you have an idea of what a functional parent is and is holding Dawn up to that image and it sounds like Dawn is very emotionally immature and dysfunctional. I think it would be like being upset that your pet Tiger doesn't cuddle the way that you would want a pet kitten to cuddle. They just are incapable of doing it because he is a tiger. I have a story for you that I hope helps you. It's a story about a scorpion and a frog.One day a frog and a scorpion were sitting beside a pond and the scorpion wanted to get across the pond but couldn't swim, so he said to the frog, "Can I sit on your back while you swim me across the pond?" The frog responded, "But you are a scorpion and I'm afraid that you will sting me along the way and I will die." The scorpion responded, "No, I promise I won't hurt you if you help me out."So, the frog allowed the scorpion to get on his back so that he could swim the scorpion to the other side of the pond. Everything went smoothly at first, and then when the frog got close to the waters edge on the other side of the pond, the scorpion stung the frog. As the frog realized what happened and knew that he was near death, his last words to the scorpion was, "You promised! I told you you would sting me and you promised that you wouldn't! How could you do that? I trusted you!"The scorpion resonded, "Because I am a scorpion."This story helps me to realize that although people promise you things that sound good, people are who they are and everyone is at a certain point in life and can only do what they are capable of doing. Scorpions aren't capable of being friends with frogs and leopards can't change their spots. I know it's not the answer that you probably want to hear but we can't expect things out of people when they are incapable of delivering. I hope I'm not sounding really harsh. I have the same issues that you have with people too! Please keep writing! Thinking of you!Take Care,
Friday, August 28, 2009
Not much of a surprise
Hello again. I hope everyone is well. I am doing ok. Well, as far as Tony enjoying his birthday yesterday, he did very much so. With video games and him you can never go wrong! Dawn did show up and was here maybe twenty minutes. She brought him a couple of cheap toys that he wasn't really interested in but Tristyn is having fun with them. Her man of the moment Teddy stayed in his truck like I requested so that was good. My nerves were still on edge. The main reason it seemed to me that Dawn showed up wasn't for Tony's birthday but to ask me about selling her my truck. She's not even working yet and never really done anything for herself in her life like renting a place or buying a vehicle so I asked her, "What am I supposed to do? Give you my truck and then hope that you pay me?" A logical question that anyone would ask. She called me an a$$%ole and walked out. It was all too clear to me that she hasn't changed even though she keeps trying to convince everyone she has. She's still talking to other ex's down here and in Michigan. She tries to keep these men, myself included, on the line in case she needs a place to go, or a ride, or cash, etc. If she doesn't get her way, just like with me and my truck, she throws a fit like a spoiled little girl, starts calling names or getting violent, etc. I have decided I am not going to even do the simple things for her anymore even though I've been doing it for the kids. I'm not giving her any more rides or picking her up to visit the kids, no more loans, etc. It's time for me to stop being the nice guy for her. She doesn't love me or even consider my feelings, she doesn't show me the least little bit of respect, basically, she don't care about anyone but herself like I've said for a while now. I remember when Tristyn first came down with diabetes. I've briefly told this story in another post but it's running through my mind so I'll go into more detail. When Tristyn was two, and it was winter, everyone around was coming down with colds like it usually happens in cold weather. She wasn't hardly eating, she was wanting to sleep more than usual and she was drinking more than normal. I knew nothing about diabetes but my first sign it wasn't just a cold was when I gave her a bath and noticed her spine was sticking out extremely. She had dropped a ton of weight! I took her in to her doctor and they checked her sugar. She was in the six hundreds! So Tristyn and I get transported to the hospital. I call Dawn to give her the bad news that her two year old daughter has type one diabetes. She tells me her boyfriend in Alabama can drive her to Louisiana but I'll have to give them gas money for the trip when they get here. Thinking of my daughter needing all the love and support she can get, I agree. The next day they arrive at the hospital. I've been doing nothing but crying most of the time. Tristyn is constantly crying and begging me, even though she can't talk, to take her home. I am heartbroken and feel so sorry for my little baby. Every couple of hours the nurses were drawing more blood to do tests on her and each time became harder to hit the veins, so the time that they were sticking her with the needles kept getting extended. It was torture for Tristyn, still to this day she doesn't like doctors offices or hospitals. Dawn visited the afternoon that she arrived for maybe twenty minutes. Then she and her boyfriend returned to my place to stay the night with Tony while I stayed at the hospital with Tristyn. The next day Dawn visited Tristyn again for less than an hour, and then she was gone on her way back to Alabama. I still can't believe to this day that a woman can care so little for a child going through so much. I swear that Dawn has no heart and no regard for anyone other than herself and she proves it more each and every day. Tony's birthday yesterday wasn't much different. She cared more about getting a vehicle for herself than her own son's special day. Oh, well. For those of you who want to know, I am still on my meds, yes I still have suicidal impulses daily but now that I'm sure it's the meds they are easier to ignore. I still plan on getting switched to something different or stopping them all together. I can't handle the sickness of them anymore. Please continue to write to me and support me. It really does help. Thank you all.
Friday, August 28, 2009
My heart aches
My heart aches for my children growing up in a broken home. I've always had both parents, never left with one alone. Talking and explaining, I constantly have to do. Why is this, why not that, why'd her promises not come true. I do all I can to make sure they have love. I pray at night for guidance from the lord up above. I would have done anything, even married that girl. If it would give my children a happier world. That dream will never happen, she's not right for us. Having two loving parents home, that dream turns to dust. To leave her alone is the path I must take. And for my two children my heart will always ache.
posted by ScottCrawley at 10:55 AM
Lisa Brennan said...
I am a single parent for the second time. Knowing what you have been through, staying in a bad relationships is not good for you or the children. I was like you the first time my marriage ended. The second time. I looked at my children both times and knew I had to get out of the abuse. I never spoke ill of either husband until my children did, but I could see the relationsips were rtaking a toll, hiding under the table when they were young, then leaving and staying gone till almoxt bedtime after they got a little older, shutting down. I tried to have a relationship a couple of times since but again they were not good for my boys or me. I am now at the point that I am happy to be alone. No one to answer to. No one to tell me what to do or how to deal with my sons. The house is peaceful for the most part now and less stressful. My friends that saw me while I was married or saw me dating, now say they can see that all of us are much more happy. Give it time and wait for the kids to talk to you about how their mom was while she lived with all of you. Sooner or later they will come around and realize that all of you are better off. I will keep you and your children in my thoughts prayer and concerns. Take care, Scott and hange in there.
August 28, 2009 11:37 AM
I agree with lisa, I grew up in a home where my mother tried to stay with my dad for us, we were broke and poor after she made him leave, but we were so much happier, I was 14 then but my little brother and sister were 3 and 6, so they weren't abused anymore. I was glad they didn't have to live through and see what we did. You are better off without her.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Back in my early days when I used to roam and playI met this girl and she took me far awayTo places I've never been and I heard her sayI love you............I love you......Chorus:I love you I need you I want youIs there any other words I can sayWill you still be mine until the end of timeOr will my skies remain so grayAfter a while she went away and me well I just stayedBut I never forget her or what she saidAnd I dream about her while I'm lying in bedSaying I love you..............I love youChorusBridgeI can't believe that she left meTurned my blue skies to greyI still love her but she can't seeShe's my way to brighter daysSoloChorus
Friday, August 28, 2009
Dealing with discrimination in the world
It's strange being Aspergian/autistic. Often times I feel quite content on being alone with just my children for company. But many times I feel lonely and long for adult companionship other than my parents. I would like to hold or be held. I don't know. It's strange feeling like two people. An adult who sometimes has control and a child who just wants love and acceptance and friendship. I look at normal people my age and sure, they have their problems just like everyone in today's times, but they seem comfortable in their own skin, their own bodies, with who they are and who they've grown up to be. I try to be an adult but most of the time I'm still just that scared little boy whose been trying to fit in to a world that most of the time will not accept him for forty years now. It's been such a hard road. I see the same type of road for my son. Now I'm not trying to say that it's easy for autistic girls I know that they have challenges too, but girls in this world, normal or not are cut more slack. They are allowed to show and express more of their feelings, not looked at as bad for making mistakes, etc. I've worked more than fifty different jobs in my nineteen years before I went on disability. Only one of those jobs did I ever feel accepted. Motor City Casino in Detroit. I helped to open it. I was one of the few with experience in the casino industry there and quickly advanced up the ladder. But every other job they've picked up on my autistic mannerisms and not liked it. Normal people can have that in-between where you don't really like them but you don't dislike them either. With the autistic it's an instant like or hate, and more times than not it's the latter. I have been picked on, held back, denied raises, etc all just because some boss above me did not like me, not due to my job performance. It takes me longer due to my poor coordination to catch on to a work routine but once I do I can be better than most normal people. When I first started in casino dealing school I couldn't handle the chips or the cards. When I graduated and was hired at Boomtown Casino in New Orleans the instructors at the school told me that when I started the school they didn't think I was going to make it. But I did. The director of the table games dept. at Boomtown picked up right away on my autistic nature, mainly coming down on me constantly for not smiling. I do smile. I can recall many times at Boomtown having a funny conversation with a player and laughing. But whenever the bosses would see me I would have that insecurity and fear inside that translated on my face as being mad. "You always look mad. You never smile!" Dealers at that time were paid minimum wage plus tips. When the minimum wage was increased, all of the dealers got the raise but me. When other dealers passed their probationary period and went to full time and got their benefits, I was left at a part time status even though I worked forty hours a week. I was denied my benefits and raises based just on my autistic mannerisms that the bosses didn't like. I was a skilled, fast dealer but the bosses had supervisors write false evaluations on me so they could deny my raises. They were trying to get me to quit and I still worked there four year before going to Michigan to work in Detroit. I wasn't at Motor City Casino in Detroit for even a year and I was a supervisor over other dealers making sixty thousand a year. This is what my son and daughter and your autistic children are going to have to endure. Discrimination based on their autistic nature. Back then I didn't know what the problem was. I blamed it on my being underweight and not having that winning personality. I still knew it wasn't my fault and felt discriminated against. Just because we suffer from social anxiety disorder or other anxieties or phobias or just odd autistic mannerisms doesn't give employers the right to just not like us and hold us back. This is something that needs to be corrected so our children don't struggle like I have, being called stupid, or slow, or uncoordinated, or lacking common sense because we want things explained to us to make sure we're getting it right. This discrimination needs to stop. As always, thanks for reading my friends and I await your responses and comments.
posted by ScottCrawley at 9:29 PM
"they seem comfortable in their own skin, their own bodies, with who they are and who they've grown up to be."For whatever reasons, this line resonates with me. I've often felt uncomfortable in my own skin and subsequently, I suppose, so have many of my fictional characters. For me, I can't quite pinpoint why this is, I just know I'm familiar with this sense, and also the feeling of being two people at the same time (as a teenager and in periods of depression and self-doubt, I often felt I was outside of myself observing a separate self and analyzing/critiquing her, even speaking to her in third person). Here is my character Rita, resident of Dillon, South Carolina's, South of the Border, on the subject:"I was having one of my down and dissatisfied days when it happened.... On down days, it’s hard to move, to do anything at all. But on down and dissatisfied days I am anxiously down, not just plain down. On down and dissatisfied days, my skin seems an uncomfortable fit that I itch to get out of."I wish I had an easy way to help overcome these struggles you talk about with such openness and honesty. Sounds like you're struggling with, on the one hand, understanding and reconciling the impact your Asperger's has had on your own life experiences and knowing how to help our children by improving society's understanding and acceptance. Robison has written both about just wanting to be understood and accepted as he is, and also about learning the social rules/norms by which the majority operates, and it seems to me a very tricky but important balance to strike. While I sometimes feel uncomfortable in my own skin, I also know how very hard it is for me to try to creatively inhabit another person's skin and understand them from the inside when all I see are external behaviors. Maybe this is why I write fiction because, in so doing, I can construct characters from the inside out. I struggle with this especially with my son, forgetting that his explosive and challenging behaviors often have their roots inside of him--how he's processing the world through his senses, how he struggles with communication, how he has such a hard time with transitions, how he too desires to "hold or be held" but doesn't know how to communicate or necessarily even interpret for himself what he needs, what he feels, what he desires.Thank you for your thought provoking entry on what has, for me, been a rather discouraging day.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Reaching out for acceptance
When I young, like my children are now, I had no idea how to relate to the world other than what my Aspergian mind had learned. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be loved. I knew at the early age of four that I had a mother who loved and cared for me, but also knew that I lived in a hostile environment where I could receive both physical and mental abuse from my father and brother at any moment that my autistic mannerisms set them off. Again, like I've said in previous postings, with someone who is autistic, the world either likes them right away or hates them instantly. There is none of the, "Well, they're alright, I guess." like there is with normal people. Most of the time in my life it has been hate that I've received from people I meet. There is something they pick up on, and I've seen it with other Aspergers/Autistic people that I know the same way, people just don't like something about us. Our one tracked minds maybe, our not understanding, not making eye contact, the list can go on and on but it's a hard and hostile world for us out there. But also there is some kind of magic about us. Some people meet us and really like us. Sometimes to the point of wanting to possess us or molest us. This is especially true of autistic children. It seems like everyone that meets my kids fall in love with them. "Oh, they're so beautiful. They're so precious!" The only thing I see while people are complimenting and paying attention to my children is possible predators. Perhaps again because of my own experiences when I was younger. It started when I was around four. My mother was younger and more of a partier in those days. She had friends who liked to drink and cruise around with her, etc. She didn't know that these women she partied with also had no morals when it came to sex. Later on in life I've found out that the whole family, father and mother, sons, daughters, aunts and uncles, all took advantage of each other and molested the younger ones. I know if my mom would have know this about these people she wouldn't have associated with them. But my mom has always had the belief that deep down most people are good. She's learned a lot in my life that has shown her different. So these two grown women who were sisters always were paying attention to me, kissing me and having me sit on their laps. Their daughters would play with me like kids do, but sometimes get fresh with me too. As young as I was I had no idea what was going on or what to do. As time went on, I was taught mainly how to use my tongue to pleasure the women, and the younger girls eventually made the same request of me. Everything that happened to me at that age was scary, weird, and not pleasant. This is not a grown mans fantasy, this is a little boy being molested by a sick family because they thought he was cute. Or maybe they just somehow knew I wouldn't say nothing. The only thing good about this whole experience and others while I was young is that I've never been molested by a man. Like my son, I gravitated more towards women, would open up and be friendlier with them. Eventually my mom stopped partying and hanging out with this family. I heard later on when I was older that one of the girls in that family had lost her mind and wound up in an institution from all the molesting her father and uncles did to her. I am extremely protective of my children now. I've never been comfortable with sex my whole life, I don't even desire it now, and I don't want my kids to be ruined for life. I don't want them to have the bad feelings, nightmares, etc that go along with having a past like I, or I'm sure some of you do. I beg you all to be extra protective of your little ones. Most people think that only men are capable of such acts but I'm proof that this is just not so. Women like sex and can be just as sick and perverted and selfish as men can be. Our children are special and they do require extra love and attention because they are autistic. Just keep an eye on who they're getting that attention from. I do every single day. Thanks for reading my friends. I welcome your thoughts, or comments.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
The innocence of a child
Think back to when you were youngRemember lines in songs that you sungMovies that you didn't understandPlaytime was your only planYou looked at everyone the sameDidn't see the world or it's gameThe innocence of a child was yoursBefore you walked through adulthood's doorChorus:The world was new, and so were youA happier time, everything was fineShoulders had no weight, childhood was greatYou didn't know, we didn't care, the innocence was thereNow that we're all grown upDrinkin' from a coffee cupBills and pills, our jobs and our kidsNot seeing life as we once didThe simple days are all in the pastOur childhood dreams they didn't lastLife's now about money no longer funThe innocence now belongs to our sonsChorusBridge:Those days are oh so fleetingWhen your worries are so fewEven though your hearts still beatingIt's slower now and no longer newSoloChorusThe simple days are all but goneFor all the young, life goes onMagical and bright, innocent and newI can feel it, how bout you....
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Suicidal impulses still walk with me. Suicidal thoughts won't let me be. Is it the pills or depression in my head. Is it my Aspergers that makes me want to be dead. Every single day I have to live with this fight. At night suicide seems all that is right. I know it's wrong and that I shouldn't go. My children keep me here, that's all that I know. Experts will say he's not going to do it. He just looking for attention, most Aspergians don't go through with it. I've tried many times, you should see my scars. I've wanted to go to heaven, up in the stars. Most of my life, I've wanted to be dead. Living among the normal is a life I always dread. I don't want you to worry, for me have no fear. I will live on, year after year. But these thought are real, I want you to know. These feelings inside me continue to grow. I have to live with them day after day. They're making me crazy, this much I can say. I sit at these keys, and type out these words. To let out my feelings, to have my voice heard. I hope one day they will find a cure. I hope someday soon my soul will be pure. I am so sorry if I've brought you down. I want to see you smile, not wearing a frown. If I do go tonight, don't be sad for me. Tell the world he really was insane, and just let it be.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Another sleepless night
The nights that my mind won't let me sleep are hell. Most of the time it's like my poem that I posted, "Haunted by the past." My mind turns into a video projector and starts running the movies of my life. It always turns out to be a drama/horror film instead of a comedy. As I lie there in bed I occasionally drift of into the rem realm. But my mind doesn't stop, the memories get distorted into a nightmare and I wake up swinging or kicking or running, etc. I hope last night was better for all of you! I sincerely do. I'm meeting and becoming friends with many people from many different areas of the world with many different views on autism. I want you all to know that it doesn't matter to me what you think. I am not saying I'm right by believing that autism is genetic and is evolution. This is just what my mind has to go by according to my life experiences. I welcome your opinions and views. Change my mind if you can. I think however, that we all should focus more on what to do next, how to handle our autistic society and where it will lead us, rather than figuring out who or what's to blame. This is a brave new world for the autistic. More and more of us are coming out of the closet every day. Where do we all go from here. Where ever it is, it should be together, as a group, with the goal of making this world better for every autistic person on the planet. Together there's nothing we can't do. Thank you all for being my friends. Thank you for reading and caring. I still feel like there's so much of this world I do not understand. So many people in it I can't figure out how to communicate with correctly. I know there are many more like me out there struggling to fit in at work, with people you consider friends, maybe even your companions or partners. I like what I am seeing on the net. I see more and more talk, people doing what I've been doing with this blog, screaming out to the world, "THE AUTISTIC ARE HERE AND WE'RE NOT GOING AWAY!" Trying to educate the normal people to have more compassion, understanding, and love for all of us. Trying to show them how talented we can be, how much we can do for our world, if only given a chance. Then again, who knows, this could just be another fantasy of my mind and how I'm interpreting what I'm reading. I could still just be a lunatic in a serious depressive state ready to end it all and looking for any sign of hope or change to keep me from that path. I don't know. I doubt anyone else does either. But once again, thank you for reading, my friends. Please take care of your children as I do mine. They're all we got!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Aspergers/autism in my family is genetic
Hello to all of you. First off, let me say that I'm not trying to come down on any one's beliefs. I've heard and seen a lot of talk about vaccines and the problems they could possibly cause. I just want to tell my story about my family and maybe some of you can explain to me how if a vaccine affected my grandmother it could turn into a genetic problem and be passed down to my father, both of his kids, myself and my half brother, and on to our kids. I can remember long before I even heard or thought of the words aspergers or autism, my grandmother on my fathers side, my mother and myself were taking a trip from Michigan to Pennsylvania so my grandmother could visit an old friend. My mother is a normal person and at that time I was a wild and free aspergian teenager, even though I had no idea what was wrong with me. The trip down was irritating for both my mother and myself but we kept our spirits up by joking about the situation, which was my grandmother being fidgety, constantly saying, "Are we there yet? We should be there by now." We didn't understand what her problem was. Years later, after my son was diagnosed aspergian/autistic and I started associating his problems with problems I'd been going through my whole life, then looking at my father, discussing all of this with my mother, that we both realized that my grandmother was autistic all along and what was happening on the trip was her experiencing panic and anxiety attacks. We could also see looking back on her that she wasn't very social, didn't have a lot of friends, but always voiced her disapproval when friends or family would move a long distance away. She also rarely made eye contact when she was speaking to someone. My father, myself, my children, my half brother and his children, show all the same aspergian/autistic characteristics. I just don't see how it could have been caused by a vaccination shot to all of us. I can see the genetic trail in my family. My mother can see it and she's completely normal with lots of friends and no problem socializing with people. I've had a hard time convincing her of anything I've been passionate about my whole life. It's been like we've lived in two different worlds but she understands, sees, and believes me one hundred percent when it's talking about autism and our family. I welcome all of you to change my mind. Show me how vaccinations could have done this to my whole family. If you can convince me I'll tell everyone I was wrong and join the other side. But the bottom line still is we've got to do something with our autistic community. Move forward and advance. Not just keep looking for who's to blame. We need to know what to do with our children next. I think we should all focus on whatever talents and passions they develop and make them the best in the world at what they like to do. That's my plan with my kids. I think all of you should do the same. I'm forty, Aspergian, and sure that there is no cure. Autism is not going to go away because it's the human race evolving into a less social, more intelligent species. This is my opinion world. You're welcome to change it. Just remember, I love you all no matter what you think. The world need more love, less greed and most of all more understanding and less hate. Take care and love each other. Thanks for reading!
posted by ScottCrawley at 7:13 PM
Basically there is a strong genetic predisposition as you have witnessed it yourself in your family. The tipping point is all of the environmental insults our children have been subjected to (vaccines, pesticides, coal plants etc.) which were not that bad in the past. Our children are in much worse shape than our ancestors because of environmental insults added to a strong genetic predisposition. To clear (or not clear) your mind you can run a genetic test for yourself and your kids and see if you have that genetic predisposition that precludes you from getting rid of heavy metals for instance. To be more specific the GSTM1 gene is often a missing gene among our children. It is responsible for glutathione production which is essential to detoxify Mercury. As for a cure to autism... Well you don't recover from a train wreck but you can significantly improve and lead a happy and productive life :)!
August 30, 2009 9:03 PM
Scott, I am with you 100% on this one. I see the genetic trail of autism spectrum disorders clearly throughout my dad's side of the family. When we figured out my son was on the spectrum, it was immediately evident that that was the connecting link between all those statements of similarities between my dad and my son, and also myself and my dad, not to mention other relatives. I don't really care to argue the issue with anybody, but for myself, my personal understanding of autism is deeply rooted in genetics, and it is most helpful for me to think of ASDs in these terms as it becomes more about understanding and accepting a natural way of being and less about finding somebody/something to blame. Let me reiterate, I speak only for myself in this and mean no offense to those who hold different views. I speak also as somebody who has been sent numerous email forwards about blaming vaccines and trying unproven (and sometimes inhumane--thank you, Dr. Eisenstein) "cures".
August 30, 2009 10:57 PM
Yes, the same in my family, the sad thing for me is that it's on both sides of my family, Me, my dad and my mom's brother seemed to be the most affected until my son came along, that's when I discovered what aspergers was. It's all over our family on both sides and now I'm married and it's in my husbands family too. My sister-in-law was just telling me how her 2 yr old is fascinated with mufflers on cars and it reminded me of my son at 2 yr when he was fixated on hot water heaters. I can't tell her that her son is autistic, even though we've known since he was less than a year, just based on his behavior. She would not accept it from us, my husband says she'll find out on her own. I hate to see the delay in his diagnosis, but I really don't think she would like me saying anything. I was thinking about getting peoples opinions on whether i should tell her or not. We didn't know until my son was 13 yrs, yet we knew he was different. My husbands family never really accepted the fact that there was a diagnosis for my sons behavior. The just said he was a brat and weird. So Little by little I will discuss it more with my sister-in-law.
August 30, 2009 11:28 PM
I am convinced there are different types of autism.I do believe some are born with it.I also believe our son was not born with it.He was my 3rd child, i had a normal pregnancy and delivery. He scored 10 on his apgar score, higher than my other children had.He was not premature, and there was no acident at birth or soon after.He reached his milestones, smiling, rolling over, crawling, walking.My grandma never believed in injections, so my mum didn't let me or my sister have any.When my first child was born there was a scare about the whooping cough vaccine, so she didn't have that.My son had the mmr. I remember asking the nurse if there were any side effects. She said a raised lump and a slight temperature.She gave me a prescription for calpol.He was 15 months old when he had the vaccine, i have a note in my diary.He was very ill almost immediately, i had the calpol so gave him that and thought no more about it.We moved house when he was 18 months old, and my sister asked the health visitor to call on me as i was worried that my son was not answering to his name.It was when he was at last diagnosed at 4 years old that i met another mum who asked if he had the mmr.Now i'm not out to blame anyone, we love our son and our lives are spent making sure he is safe and happy.Our son will not play for Manchester United, or give me grandchildren, but that doesn't matter.There is no proof there is a link betwwen autism and the mmr, but that also proves there is no proof there isn't.
September 1, 2009 12:44 PM
Gina, hearing anyone say anything is "different" about one's child is not an easy thing. The first time my sister suggested as much about my son, I was furious, not to her face but I called up all my friends to indirectly vent my anger. After we did start piecing things together (my sister gave me the phone number of a wonderful OT to talk to), a friend whose son has Asperger's said, "Well, we wondered about Elliot..." but she was right that we wouldn't likely have heard what she had to say. It's a hard call, but it's important to be a listener and, I think, to speak from your own personal experience as a way of indirectly suggesting your concerns about autism.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
A letter of apology from a former classmate
Hello world. I hope you are well and life is good! First off, I want to thank everyone who responded to my earlier post about the whole vaccination debate. I agree with both sides and I'm sure there are many different ways that autism can happen to our youth. Those of you who responded to my requests and questions I appreciate your input very much. Those of you who were more snobby because my family shows genetic traits need to open your own eyes to the fact that not every case of autism has to come from vaccines and I'm still trying to learn if the vaccination shots could still cause genetic traits that could be passed on. But enough about that. I received a letter from an old school mate who wasn't very nice to me back in those days. His letter and my response follows. Enjoy!HelloBetween You and Chris KaiserChris Kaiser August 30 at 8:17pmHi Scott,I can't believe how long it has been and it is so good to see and hear from you. I have been reading your info and your blog posts and I have to say I am in awe.I have been a high school teacher for 11 years (strangely enough with Beegle and Wheaton in a different town from Leslie). I have had many autistic and aspergic students and have always felt compassion and worked extra to help them succeed in my classes.It breaks my heart to think of the pain you went through in high school and the complete lack of help you received. It also makes me ashamed of the way I treated you. I want you to know a few things: 1. I am truly sorry for being such an arrogant jackass in school and I hope my actions didn't cause you pain. 2. You are an amazing guy. I have children of my own but I can't imagine having to raise them on my own. You have my deep respect and awe. 3. You are extremely talented. You are a truly gifted writer and I hope that you continue to do so and that it brings you solace and peace. 4. You have beautiful children. From what I have seen you have been an excellent role model for them.Again, it is really great to see you and I wish you all the best. Please keep in touch,ChrisScott Crawley August 30 at 10:15pmHi Chris. I would like to say it was good to hear from you, but I can't say that was my reaction when I first read your friendship request. I felt fear, anxiety, and a general worry along with many images of school days starting to play in my head. That happens everytime I see a name from someone from our school. I know that I was the most unpopular and disliked kid in our grade. I had a few friends in higher and lower grades but just couldn't seem to connect with anyone my own age. But I don't want you to feel bad about things that still haunt me. I have millions of bad memories from a life time of trying to fit in to this world. It's not anyones fault that I can't get over them. It's a side effect of my autism. Just because I can't every seem to get rid of all my painful memories, however, doesn't mean I also hold grudges. I hold you and anyone else on the planet forgiven and blameless for mistreating me in my life, especially my dad and brother. If I would've been diagnosed as a child I'm sure my life would've been different and less painful. This is why I tell the schools, phychs, and the kids mom that I have no problem with myself or my children being labeled "Aspergers or Autistic." They seem to think it will harm their lives to not be considered normal but they have lived as an autistic being labeled "Normal" like I was. They don't know what it's like to have coordination issues, social anxiety issues, phobia's, depression, etc and still try to fit in. I was in for a hard life as a male just being underweight which I still am. Add the Aspergers on top of that and I was doomed to live a life of being kicked around. My life is focused now on educating others on how serious autism is and hoping the world will be a better and more forgiving place for my children. My daughter is five and still doesn't speak sentences. She copies some words like a parrot but only communicates by pointing or leading me or others to what she wants. She still asks me by touching my back every single time she goes to the bathroom and then comes out with her clothes around her ankles and has to be told to pull them up. I have to be a mind reader when something is wrong with her. Add to that the fact that she's been a type one diabetic for about three years now, but can't tell me when her sugars low or high. Add to that my sons problems with school, I had to home school him for the last year and a half, and his constant meltdowns including when his sister is upset and crying and yes I'm living a very full and busy life even though I'm on disability for my bad knees that I was born with, and have already had four surgeries on, I'm sure you remember me on crutches in school, and I need a fifth surgery. My hips are bad now, liver problems, the list goes on and on but this little boy in a forty year old body is still kicking and going every day even though I live with suicidal thoughts. Wow was that a mouthful :) Back to your letter, I only have one really bad memory of you and that happened this one time, at band camp.....and there was no flute involved lol! See even with my life I can still make attempts at humor and I hope I made you laugh. But seriously at band camp my autistic mannerisms got on your nerves and you punched me in the stomach and I can still see it as if it happened yesterday. But that's my curse. Part of my autistic nature having a semi-photographic memory. It's too bad it's not any use to me other than to bring back all the bad memories. Well, I can flip through page after page rather quickly and it baffles some people. But I think my gift from god all along has been singing. I can still go into any karaoke bar and have the whole place cheering and strangers inviting me to sing at their wedding, etc. It's the only time I feel accepted and loved. Most of the time I still feel like a freak. But I am glad that you are doing good, and I'm glad that you wrote and apologized to me. It shows me you have grown up in your mind. I wish I could. Feel free to write me any time and if you want to use this or any of my post to educate people I don't have a problem with it. My life is an open book. I want people to learn and to help each other so we can make a better world for all the autistic. I don't care about the debates about the causes other than for curiosities sake, I just want all the autistic children to get all the help, love and support they need. If you can please become a follower of my blog. It gives me more encouragement to write. Share my writing with who ever you wish. Take care of yourself and your family Chris. God Bless!!
posted by ScottCrawley at 10:18 PM
Scott,Well let me just say that I believe that the vaccinations are a contributing factor to autism and until we and our government owns up to this and takes accountability there will be a great many more cases surfacing in our country.I have just read Dr. Wakefield's Testimony in reference to the studies conducted in the UK which determined that gastrointestinal viruses relating to Measles have been found present in children with autism but not in "normal" children. This being the case it is apparent that for whatever reason these children are susceptible to the virus and the virus is lingering in the intestinal tract of these children causing grave damage. This notwithstanding I still am thinking that the cause of the disease may have a genetic link of tolerance. Regardless, the government and our medical professionals need to have some concern as I do that the immunizations are causing harm. If there is a genetic link that makes the children vulnerable then we are responsible for furthering this disease by pursuing harmful treatment plans.Nonetheless, I think we need to look further and find the genetic link that could be responsible, while exercising precautions with the use of vaccinations.
August 30, 2009 11:58 PM
Lisa Brennan said...
HI Scott,I understand why you felt anxiety when you got this letter. I received one from someone I thought was trying to make things right and despite the anxiety I gave her a chance. She had told me all about her life and naturally I thought she wanted to hear from me. After I wrote her back, catching her up on me as she did, I received another letter. This time she was right back to treating me the same way she did in high school. I feel so much sorrow for her and let her know that I would pray for her. BUT, I hope I never hear from her again. Glad to hear your contact from the past turned out much better.
August 31, 2009 5:43 AM
Scott,I didn't comment on your original article, but I don't believe the vaccines have anything to do with autism. I agree with you that there is a genetic link. My dad is undiagnosed Aspergers and he was born in 1936 way before we did the vaccines the way we do today. My brother was born in 1968 and had undiagnosed Aspergers and again before we did vaccines the way we do today. Looking back I think my dad's whole family has Aspergers. I think there are more cases of Aspergers and autism because we know more about it. My father and brother weren't counted as having Autism yet they do as we know today. I get really angry with Jenny McCarthy because of her all or nothing mentality. I'm wondering if her son Evan has something different than autism because of how quickly his differences seem to have been reversed. I don't think that you can reverse autism. As far as your daughter goes, my son didn't start to talk until he was 3. I can remember bringing him to the pediatrician when he was 2 and he was not able to speak in complete sentences. The Dr. told me if I was concerned that I could have a nurse come to the house to work with him. I ended putting him in daycare because I went back to work and then he started talking. Now he talks incessantly. When my younger son has a crying fit and he tries to tell me something, I tell him that I can't hear him when he is crying and speaking so high pitched, and he needs to calm down for me to be able to hear him which works. He is able to compose himself enough to explain something. My oldest son went through the pointing stage too but I always told him I didn't understand and he would have to use his words. It's tough. I'm still reading and wishing you well. I consider you a great friend!!Take Care,
September 2, 2009 3:17 AM
Ginger Taylor said...
Scott,A few years back I wrote a series called "Autism in God's Economy", on Christ's pronouncement that "what you have done unto the least of these, you have done unto Me", and what that means for those with autism. The last two installments, "Those in Power over those with Autism" and "For All of Us Who Have Failed In Our Duty" touch on what has happened here.I encouraged people to think about they way they may have treated, "the wierd guy" in high school, find him, and make it right. When I read this today it was so encouraging to see someone do that.Props to Christ for growing, and I really hope that this experience brought some healing to you. And I hope next time you get a friend request from someone from high school it makes you a bit less anxious as it did before.
Monday, August 31, 2009
I'm not like you. You're not like me.But if you listen and give me a chance, I know you'll see.I have lots of love, but only you can set it freeI can't always understand you, will you understand me.Chorus:Understand me. Hear what I want to say.Without love and compassion or caring, my skies turn grey.Don't let me meltdown and cause you to walk away.Please understand that I'm autistic, but it's o.k.I'm often too scared to let the world in.So I hide inside my head, and the trouble begins.If you show your love, I'll feel safe again.I'll open up, we'll both be friends, and the world will win.ChorusBridge:Autism makes it too bright, too scary and loud.I can't figure out what to do.If you show your compassion I'll make you so proudI know you can help me through.ChorusSoloVerse 1Chorus
posted by ScottCrawley at 11:08 AM
Very moving...thanks for sharing. :)
August 31, 2009 11:30 PM
Lisa Brennan said...
Awesone, Scott. So glad you are starting to write songs again. That's a big step. So proud of you.
September 1, 2009 5:39 AM
Very moving Scott... You have a true talent..Thankyou for sharing..
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
My advice to a mother asking for my help
I received an email from a woman named Amanda. She wanted advice about her son. I hope you enjoy and can use what I've wrote to her. If you are reading this I would appreciate you becoming a follower of my blog and telling all of your facebook friends about me. Encourage them to become a friend of mine and follower of my blog. Thank you, my friends and readers :)Amanda Bishop September 1 at 6:48amSorry Scott for taking so long to get back to you, I have a 16yr old son who was diagnosed as Autistic spectrum at 3yrs but thanks to a private assessment I was told he should have been diagnosed with Aspergers.He hasn't seen his biological father in 9yrs all down to his father not myself,now at the age of 16 only natural he is full of questions and wants to see him.I have tried to explain to him the hows and whys of it all as softly as possible as not to upset him too much but don't know if he has taken it all on board and understands everything.Reading your blog and the people you have spoken to also the fact that you have children of your own wondered if you may have come across anything that might help me...have fought so hard to get him to where he is today am so worried that if his biological does decide to see him it will ruin everything...Scott Crawley September 1 at 7:50amAmanda, first of all Aspergers is basically high functioning Autism. The experts out there have to find different names for people depending on where the fall on the scale. But just think of the scale like an umbrella or a rainbow. If you have autism, you fall some where on the curve. The right side of the curve is higher functioning and that where myself, my father, and my son fall. I'm still not sure where my daughter's gonna land on that curve as she's still not speaking sentences yet. The far left side of the curve is where you end up with what the experts call autistic savants like on the movie Rain Man. Regardless, however, of where an autistic individual falls on the scale, we all suffer from the same symptoms. Anxiety's, fears and phobias, depression, some of us have coordination issues like myself and my son, some of us have speech problems like both my children, we all suffer from social issues and spend our lives feeling like an alien on a planet of humans that we just can't seem to understand or communicate with correctly. Often times this causes normal people to dislike us and not give us a chance because they pick up on our autistic mannerisms and it bothers them. If your son wants to see his father, you have to understand that this is an incredibly deep longing in the pit of his soul that won't go away. I'm sure he stays awake at night for hours with his mind constantly trying to figure out how to satisfy this need and also replaying movies of the past in his head, most likely about his father. What you have to figure out is who he can relate to, and understand him better, yourself, or his father. I know the world wants to find blame on autism, and maybe some do get it due to immunization shots. But I am sure that most of us in the world got it though genetics. If what I've talked about hasn't sparked something inside of you about your childhood and you can't relate to everything I've said about autism, then you most likely don't have it. I would let his father read this letter in that case, and he can probably relate to what I'm saying. Either way I'm sure that one of you will see the same kind of symptoms in your own lives, but if not then maybe your son did contract it through shots or chemicals in the environment. Your son needs much more love than the normal child, but he also needs understanding for what he's going through. His emotions are more extreme than a normal persons. It's harder to control the anger, anticipation, fear, sadness, or other sensations he's feeling. Plus his sensory side is heightened too. Lights or certain colors can seem far too bright. Loud noises can be down right painful. Smells can be too much to bear. Theses are all things you must realize that he will probably never get over, but with time and patience he should be able to adjust to his life better. He will also have certain traits or autistic mannerisms that are just part of who he is and you'll have to accept that. Myself and my children like to use the same glasses, plates, bowls, etc. It's comforting to us. Some, like my father, have to constantly keep busy at something or their minds can drive them crazy. All autistic individuals seem to get overly focused on something that they enjoy and it becomes a compulsion. This is where you have to look for your sons talents and what makes him happy in this world. Encourage him to do what he loves, support and help him to achieve that goal and he will succeed and become one of the best at what he likes. If my parents had done this with me I'd be a professional musician by now. I still am such a good singer after having all my years of practice, that bars cheer when I sing, people buy me drinks, I've been asked to sing at weddings, etc. Just remember, any bad feelings or experiences that your son has will stick with him and haunt him forever, so give him lots of love and try to shelter him from harm. You'll have to judge the people he associates with and decide if they are right for him. I still can't tell if a stranger is going to hurt or use me and many times still get abused by people I think of as friends. We can't tell who's good and who's bad until we see enough examples of it in our lives and have been hurt by that person enough times to tell ourselves they are bad and we don't want to be used and abused any more. I still get hurt by my children's mom frequently although since we've split up it's no longer physical. But she still loves to put me through hell mentally to the point of suicide. We are very fragile creatures and require lots of love, compassion, and understanding. We can be taught things that are hard for us to do or understand, but it takes repetition. Repeat, repeat, repeat to your son the things you want him to learn and eventually it will break through a barrier in his head and he will get it. If his father is not good for him, this is what you will have to do. Keep explaining and repeating until he understands. Only you can figure out what's best for your son. I hope I have helped you with this letter and you can help me by telling everyone you know about me. Just like what I've been talking about, I need encouragement and support from as many people as I can get to keep me alive and taking care of my kids that I love more than my own life. My life has been so hard that I'm suicidal everyday. I have a longing to have lots and lots of people following my blog, I like to see the numbers climb higher as people read my words. I also want people to enjoy my poems and songs that I write and make comments on them that will encourage me to keep doing it. I have a deep longing for my songs to be recorded and played on the radio. I would like contact with professional musicians who will help me achieve this goal. I've never cared about money, this is not about being rich, music is what I was born to do. I've talked to Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue on the phone, I've written Brett Michael and asked him to work on a charity project with me for autism and diabetes. On one of my postings to John Elder Robison I even ask him to contact John Bon Jovi to do the music to one of my songs. My dreams and goal can be achieved by you and the rest of my facebook friends spreading the word and telling all of your friends about me. Eventually my voice and desires will be heard and I'm sure a single autistic father rasing two autistic children one of which is also a diabetic is a good enough reason for the world to be interested in me. So tell all of your friends about me, become followers of my blog, write to me and give me hope for my children's lives. I will continue to want to help others and I sincerely hope I have helped you. Your friend always, and with love to you and your family,Scott
posted by ScottCrawley at 8:07 AM
thanks for writing this- my son is on the spectrum- they can't seem to decide between Aspergers and PDD-NOS but either way he has special needs. And yes, we are pretty sure it is genetic.I love reading from the perspective of an adult because it helps me better understand my sweet boy. keep writing.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Dealing with the Schools
Good day, or night depending on when you're reading this, to you all. I would first like to say that I wish nothing but love and happiness to you and your family especially the children. Each and every person on this planet are in my thoughts and prayers every night as I lie awake in bed, unable to sleep because my mind won't shut off and keeps haunting me with terrible visions from the past. I love you all! Now on to my post. As parents, we're all starting a new school year and having to deal with issues and problems that our children go through. I am no different. This is only Anthony's second week and yesterday he brought home his third bad report! The school environment is so hard for an autistic child to deal with, the tens and hundreds of different stimuli that can cause a meltdown or make our children go into a defensive mode, which is a natural instinct of self-preservation. Our autistic children know in their minds that they are perceived by normal people as different and undesirable. They have a fear of the world wanting to destroy them. So like any animal, when they feel they are in a threatening environment, they go on the defensive to protect themselves. Then there's the meltdowns that is just their little brains screaming out, "I can't handle all of this noise, confusion, bright lights, etc" Most school are not equipped to deal with autistic children. Most of us will end up home schooling our children as it is a safer and less confusing environment. But we have to continue to attempt socialization with them. That is why my son continues to go to school for the moment. He needs to experience and learn social skills and values. When the time comes to pull him I will know, as will you all. For those of you without the proper diagnosis or support for your child from the school system, Keep Pushing!!! Keep Demanding that your child is classified autistic so that he or she can get the services they need and deserve. Everyone needs to do all that they can to change the system we live in so that all children, no matter where they fall on the autistic scale and no matter how they became part of the autistic community, can get all of the support and services that they need to become a successful member of our society. As parents, we all need to unite, everyone in the autistic community all over the planet, to change societies views, policies, rules and regulations towards every autistic individual. It is time for a revolution people, and we've got to come together to accomplish it. With the autistic communities increased intelligence, due to us all evolving, we can find answers, make changes, correct mistakes, fix things, make a better planet for the entire human race. Stop debating, complaining, or pointing fingers and answer the call. Stand up for the rights of your children and all children. Stand up for the human races continued survival. Most of all people, STAND UP FOR YOUR FAMILY, IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU HAVE. LOVE IS THE ANSWER FOR US ALL!
posted by ScottCrawley at 7:10 AM
Scott,Excellent!! I agree with you 200% and rising. Question for you again and I will be writing about this on my blog. If an Aspergian child feels he is being perceived as someone with bad behavior, which is more likely for him to do, display "good" behavior or give the people what they expect bad behavior? Or if an Aspergian child knows that people feel that he behaves badly, does he get a payoff for displaying bad behavior just to annoy the people that think he behaves badly? I'd love to know your thoughts. Your statement that autistic people have a fear that people find them unacceptable and want to destroy them or I think what you mean to say is to break their spirit, they go on the defensive. I think that might be the root cause of displaying bad behavior. Maybe it is their way of saying "You want to fight? I'm game. Go ahead try and break my spirit." Love to know your thoughts.Your BFF in Buffalo,Laura
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Autism is Everywhere!
Hello my friends. My deepest love and prayers for you and your family. I would like to address the world as some of you are only seeing part of my words and misinterpreting what I'm trying to say and thinking that I have a one sided opinion or what ever. I want to say that I believe, once again, that autism is the human race evolving. Whether or not that is a good thing is up to each and every one of you! Evolution is caused by changes to the environment and our society IS causing these changes. The way that our society has changed over the years is one cause. We need to socialize less therefore some of us are evolving into the autistic community the genetic means as a way of adapting to an ever changing planet. Our societies pollution of this planet is another cause. The toxins that are going into every ones system are causing some of us to evolve into the autistic community as a direct result of an assault on their bodies by these toxins. I am sure that many other ways are and will be discovered as to why humans are evolving into autistics, adhd, and many other forms but the point is we are evolving. Every living creature on this planet does and you all have to open your minds and realize this. You can see evolution with other animals and accept it. You can see new species appearing and being discovered every year and accept that. But most of you refuse to believe that humans are ever going to change and that's the wrong attitude to have. If you keep pointlessly debating the causes and who's to blame for all of this and complaining about the situation instead of doing something about it, this evolution is going to end up being man's extinction, you've got to see that! Only together can we help this evolution along, see the good changes in our children and fix the bad. Encourage and support their new found gifts and talents. Start to forget about how society has lived all along and start bringing about change for a better world for the whole human race. How long do we need to continue this normal rat race routine that society has been doing for thousands of years. It's time to stop valuing possessions so much. Money is useless. Even gold is just a metal. Why can't you all see that we are on the brink of something so much more wonderful if all of you would only allow it to happen and help it to happen. Or you can just call me crazy, lock me up for trying to start a change, being a revolutionist, whatever. The human race can continue it's daily grind and slowly evolve back into animals and eventually disappear and die off and become extinct. Look at the way society is acting now. Most of you do act more like animals than smart intelligent loving creatures like god intended you to be. WAKE UP PEOPLE! We ARE on the edge of Armageddon. You must see this. Continue to only care about yourselves, following your animal instincts of greed, lust, and violence. Isolate yourselves from your families and value your wants, needs, and possessions more than anything and you are all doomed!! I pray that you will listen to my words as I and I alone believe that they are inspired by god. He wants us all to wake up and be saved. He wants us to turn this planet back into a paradise the way it was intended. It's up to you. I love each and every one of you and I pray you take heed to my words and change. With my love for all of you and your familiesScott Crawley
posted by ScottCrawley at 7:34 AM
It's hard to say to what extent natural selection is working on the rate of autism in the population, but I would agree that social selection is playing a big part. In the past, a moderate to severe autistic might never meet someone interested in them as a partner, as their personality quirks or functional difficulties may have prevented them from making a sufficient meeting of the minds. With modern technology, modern culture and the wide variety of livings available to people these days, there are not so many strict lines along which people can meet, interact and join with each other. The chances for people to meet compatible others is much greater now than it was when one was restricted so much by local and cultural boundaries. Computers and the internet especially have facilitated this process, as people can meet each other from much farther away than before, and the text medium helps those of us who lack certain social skills to communicate with less awkwardness. I know it has done for me, anyway.
September 2, 2009 9:55 AM
Just curious, Scott, what is your opinion on who is "god" and how does one become "saved"?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Your postingsBetween You and Zoey RobertsScott Crawley 's singin': "YOU DON'T....WANNA F#CK WITH SCOTTY..........CAUSE SCOTTY..........WILL F#CK!N KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoey RobertsScott I hate to tell you this but your postings are getting so negative! Please stop! ThanksScott CrawleyK zoey......sorry.......*sniff*........Scott CrawleyI was just singin an eminem song.......don't let a guy have any fun.......*pout*Zoey Roberts September 2 at 6:54pmScott I am trying not to be rude ant this but your postings sound so suicidal I care abt you but I was wondering if there is any way to get yourself some professional help I mean other than the postings u r a nice person and all unfortunately if this continues to happen I may to reconsider our friendship as I don't feel comfortable with suicidle postings thanks yr friend zoeySent via Facebook MobileScott Crawley September 2 at 5:22pmI am being treated at a mental health facility every week. I am on strong anti-depressants. My communication on the Internet is a way of me getting those feelings out and sometimes I get carried away. I apologize. I think you are a great person and you've made me laugh a few times but my suicidal thoughts are real. They happen multiple times every day and there isn't thing one that I can do about it. I either look into my children's eyes to keep myself from going over the edge or I take myself to bed a try to sleep the thoughts off. I have been beat on for forty years by the world mainly because of my autism. They couldn't understand me so instead they would just lose their tempers and hit me. My dad, my brother, kids at school, co-workers, my kids mom, the list goes on and on. I've had to survive in the world by fighting and if you were to meet me in person I am very quiet and very timid like a dog that's been beat down too many times. They are very gentle with me at the mental health facility but I still feel scared and threatened by them every time I go. Most of how you see me online, funny, telling jokes, trying to be pleasant and polite and loving, only a few people in my entire life have ever seen on the outside. That's the real Scott. But he only exists inside my head and he's only about ten years old or so. I've never felt like a grown up. I've been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused my whole life. I'm sorry if occasionally I make a mistake but I don't mean to hurt anyone or make them feel bad, but at the same time when people come down on me and don't understand me or what I'm trying to communicate it hurts me more than you know. I can feel the pain in the pit of my stomach and soul, my heart is racing, I feel like some one's gonna beat on me again for getting too carried away. This is what your words have done to me. My mood tonight was actually quite pleasant for the most part and I was having fun and hoping others were too. I was hoping that I was spreading a good message and helping people to understand that they need to help each other with our autistic issues with the world. I'm just trying to make a better place for all of our children to live than the world I had to grow up in. If you no longer want to be my friend I understand completely and I am sorry that I upset you with my words. I was just trying to have fun with everybody. If you want to know more about my hard life, read my 50+ post at my blog site. It's a way for me to deal with all of the pain and bad memories that I have. I also hope others can learn from it and understand how hard autism is on all of us no matter where we fall on the spectrum and how the world continues to misunderstand us and our children. I guess I was slightly on edge with how many problems Tony is already having with school and how they aren't doing anything to improve the situation just sending letters home to me and calling me to come pick him up because he's too out of control to ride the bus. Well I guess I'm done for the night......I'm no longer in a good mood.....I got me some non-alcoholic beer today cause I was craving some and I haven't drank since I was hospitalized back in Feb. Right now I feel like I could use a real drink.......haven't smoke cigs since Mar......could use one of those too.......and maybe some weed. I don't know.......I don't know............*sigh*.........why can't I seem to make people like me or understand me.........I pour out my words and feelings but they just seem to disappear into thin air like I never wrote them...........I thought this was helping me and others......the psychs said that all of my FB friends and blog followers were my support group, but all of a sudden I feel completely alone in this world again......thanks for listening :)To anyone reading this: No matter what kind of shape I've been in, I've always taken Damn good care of my kids. Even when I was spiraling down into the deep pit of depression, not eating, drinking tons of alcohol, smoking weed and cigs, not even showering or cleaning up my messes, I ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF MY KIDS 100% OF THE TIME. MY DAUGHTER ALWAYS HAD HER SUGAR CHECKED AND HER SHOTS, THEY WERE FED JUST LIKE ANY PARENT WOULD DO, THEY WERE BATHED AND HAD CLEAN CLOTHES, I MADE SURE THEY WERE HAPPY AND OCCUPIED WITH SOMETHING. SO YES I SUCK AT TAKING CARE OF SCOTT, BUT NEVER TONY OR TRISTYN!!!!!!!
posted by ScottCrawley at 7:23 PM
Everyone has bad moments Scott and their own way of dealing with it..be it weed, alcohol, cigarettes..I was with my childrens' father for 12yrs.. I got told i could never have children i am truely blessed having my two..Harry had a twin i lost and Harrys' birth was so traumatic I'm lucky to have him, I had an etoptic pregnancy straight after Harry and nearly died,then fought the so called professionals for 2yrs for Harry to get help in being diagnosed and been fighting ever since for him. In all that time I never got one bit of support from my family or his father and would not go to them now if my life depended it. I still have some very low moments and have my way of dealing of them.. have been accused of alsorts too which shows those people never knew me or were worth knowing!! at the end of the day I couldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks my children are happy,loved and adored, safe and well looked after...You are a kind,caring man trying to get on with his life bring up his children and live his dreams and also bring a little light into other people lives with a little insight...take care ;o)
September 2, 2009 7:58 PM
I appreciate your views Scott! Thank you for sharing a part of yourself that most people would never have the guts to share because they know they will be misunderstood...the difference is, you know how to handle it, they know they wouldn't be able to! So I say keep on writing! I am looking forward to reading more...
September 3, 2009 12:25 AM
I really enjoy your posts Scott,and if someone reading it doesn't like it that's too bad no one forced them to read it.Keep writing what you feel it is great therapy,it helped me.
September 3, 2009 10:55 PM
Scott,I understand the pain the world has caused you because I see it through the eyes of my father, who was abandoned by his mothe when he was 8 years old, and my brother, who was abused by his wives and had no recourse because there aren't any shelters or support groups to help abused husbands, and now my son who is totally misunderstood by family members. I think though we need to be careful what we put in writing to protect ourselves so that our words are not perceived as a direct threat. Thinking about you,Laura
September 5, 2009 7:02 AM
Thinking about you too, Scott, whatever's happening with you right now.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Hello all of you people all over this planet. I love each and every one of you no matter how many of you are self-centered, greedy, mean, hurtful, manipulative, possessive, perverted or what ever other sin you favor the most. You are all God's children, as am I. Most of you including the professional phychs that I am seeing every week think I am insane and I agree with you 100 %. I am also autistic, my mind gets very obsessive of one particular subject and I get trapped into that to the point of driving other people crazy or beating the shit out of me. I have been abused in many different ways for 40 years. Even though I have completely and utterly lost my mind and cracked my shell, God still talks to me, I don't care if you believe me or not. He's inspired me to give you the answers on how to survive Armageddon, he's also made me cry out for those who are suffering today, the special children, his chosen people. The rest of you have to look inside of your own hearts to find out if you are going to be saved or not. If you are you will feel it deep in the pit of your soul, an overwhelming sensation of love, God's love reaching down and letting you know your ok and not to be scared. The rest of you are screwed. Sorry, but it's true. How many thousands of years have you listen to and read his words and teachings and yet you keep missing the most important point and making too big of a deal out of the little things. The most important thing God wants you to do is love. Love your family, love your neighbor. Live together in happiness and joy, helping each other in just your little communities. But no, people just can't seem to get it, at least most of you. Why can't you look at the children for the answer. The most important thing to them when they are little is love. The feeling the feel the most is joy of life. God told not just Adam and Eve, but all of you not to eat from the tree of knowledge. I don't know why it's so hard for you people to understand that those words are a metaphor and you people are still eating from the tree of knowledge this very day. Why? Why does mankind feel like they have to have the answers to everything that God has created when he gave you everything you needed to begin with. Think about it. Open your eyes as mine are and you will see the truth. People who have been more isolated from society, who have live life on the earth, just doing what god intended them to do instead of living in a huge industrial society were free of diseases and lived longer and happier. But no, you people have to question, just like Adam and Eve, and not be satisfied with what he has given you. The more you built, invented, discovered, probed, and explored this planet and beyond the worse your lives have gotten but you don't get it. You're receiving this message now because the judgement has already happened. I can't tell you who's gonna make it and who's not or even when the end is gonna be here, but I can tell you that if you've been bad, you're screwed, again, sorry. God wants to see some changes happen REAL soon. I want to see the same thing. You all know I'm insane, You all know that I am suicidal. So just think of me like a modern day Jesus, who by the way was a flesh and blood man just like me who secretly had a wife and children and was the beginning of Autism on this planet. That was his significance, Also that is why I am speaking to you now. This is how you were supposed to get the message about a return. Not the man Jesus, just someone else, like a few chosen crazy people, I'm sure some of you have heard of or met others, that God does talk to. But no one ever listens to his message just like most of you will not listen or believe mine. Guess what, you're screwed too. So anyhow God has given you people an Ultimatum. He want to see changes happening soon, and I mean real soon. It's not that hard if you all stop arguing and just work together to start cleaning up your mess. Forget about money and your system of government no matter where you are on the planet. He wants the greed to stop. Start doing what you were born to do, what you enjoy doing, and start helping people around you. God will guide you and make sure the right people are doing the right jobs. Any jobs that no one is doing, no one needs to because it just a worthless job that man created not one that god intended. Stop worrying about going to organized churches anymore. They are just another form of business that God doesn't like. You can worship in your homes with your family and neighbors the way god intended. Stop worrying about who has more than who, if you all work together, you can all live and have everything you need without trying to possess more than your neighbors or even your families. God's really pissed that a lot of you have put money and material possessions over your own families, squabbling over the scraps left by your dead parents, instead of celebrating their accomplishments in life. God is ashamed of a whole lot of you people. He really can't believe you took it as far as you did. Mankind is now on the brink of extinction and you can't even see it, or even get your nose out of the money game long enough to help those who are suffering from all of the myriad of different mental diseases which should be giving you a clue that it's almost over for man. I mean really people what's next, how much sicker do you think mankind can get before you all are just no longer here?? Start fixing this planet, God is your parent and he's telling you to quit fighting like siblings and clean you room!!! Stop acting like monkey's and humping anything that moves, women and men. Stop abusing and mistreating or even ignoring the ones you are supposed to love the most. If you're heart is good your gonna make it. If not, again, screwed. If there is no change and you people just ignore me God has given me permission to end my own life and come home. If your going to ignore this final gift of love he has given you before the end then he's just going to take it back. If you all start to try and change, he may let me stick around a bit longer to teach those who are deserving. It's your choice. Some of you may think really bad of me and want to kill me. That's fine too. I'm not scared of anything anymore, I have been tortured and heartbroken for forty years and I am weary, broke down, unhealthy, and ready to go home to my father. It's your choice world. Love me, hate me, or ignore me. Lock me up, do whatever you will. God's the one judging you, not me. I love you all, especially your beautiful and innocent children. God bless you all!
posted by ScottCrawley at 8:50 PM
Just by reading your postings I can tell that you are not Aspergian. The thoughts and feelings that you are "getting out" on-line are doing anyone who happens upon your blog looking for relevant information about Asperger's a great disservice. You are clinically depressed and possibly a sociopath. Please discontinue this ridiculous act. You are harming more people than helping.
September 7, 2009 9:11 PM
big daddy, I do appologize for the state of deppression I was in when I wrote some of my postings, not all, but yes, you are right about the depression, it was caused not only by my aspergers, and becoming fixated on past bad events in my life, but also due to the fact that the psychs had me on the wrong anti-deppressant. But if you would like to call Oschner St. Anne's hospital in Raceland Louisiana and ask Dr. Bianco in the phych dept. there, I am sure that he can confirm my Aspergers/Autism. Just because someone has a downward spiral into depression, and writes what they are feeling or experiencing at that moment, doesn't give you or anyone else the right to judge them. But if you care, they have me on the right anti-depressant and anti-phycotic pills now and I feel wonderful. Thanks for having such a narrow view of what I've lived with all of my life. You made me laugh!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
My reply to a comment
Hello to all my friends. I wish love and happiness to you and your family, and I pray that God will grant more open mindedness to those that don't have it. Before I start telling my tale of everything I've been through over the past few weeks, I would like to share with you a comment that was posted on my blog space and the reply comment I left. I hope you enjoy it :)bigdaddy said...Just by reading your postings I can tell that you are not Aspergian. The thoughts and feelings that you are "getting out" on-line are doing anyone who happens upon your blog looking for relevant information about Asperger's a great disservice. You are clinically depressed and possibly a sociopath. Please discontinue this ridiculous act. You are harming more people than helping.September 7, 2009 9:11 PM ScottCrawley said...big daddy, I do appologize for the state of deppression I was in when I wrote some of my postings, not all, but yes, you are right about the depression, it was caused not only by my aspergers, and becoming fixated on past bad events in my life, but also due to the fact that the psychs had me on the wrong anti-deppressant. But if you would like to call Oschner St. Anne's hospital in Raceland, Louisiana and ask Dr. Bianco in the phych dept. there, I am sure that he can confirm my Aspergers/Autism. Just because someone has a downward spiral into depression, and writes what they are feeling or experiencing at that moment, doesn't give you or anyone else the right to judge them. But if you care, they have me on the right anti-depressant and anti-phycotic pills now and I feel wonderful. Thanks for having such a narrow view of what I've lived with all of my life. You made me laugh!September 9, 2009 4:25 PM
posted by ScottCrawley at 5:35 PM
Heather Grosfield said...
big daddy you are very rude and should keep your mouth shut THANKS!Feel better Scott
September 9, 2009 5:44 PM
La Maga said...
Scott, don't pay attention to the comments of someone that make a diagnostic from nothing, you have to live your life, not him. Andrea(I am enfermedades raras in facebook)
September 9, 2009 5:55 PM
I agree with Heather..Big Daddy or should I say not so big!!My daughter has autism..Like Scott she writes her feelings down on paper and suffers from depression now and then..Niether Scott and my daughter are sociopaths!!!I also have to say Scott has been a great help to alot of people including myself who have loved ones with autism..Scott i'm pleased you are feeling much better..Great to have you back :o)
September 9, 2009 6:10 PM
By the way Scott I'm Susan Haldane on Facebook..:o)
September 9, 2009 6:13 PM
Lisa Brennan said...
Big Daddy...it seems you know little about Asperger's. Maybe you should keep you moth shut and just listen. You just may learn something you did not know.I have a son who suffers with Asperger's and he has had meltdowns jst like Scott had a week ago. I noticed the signs in his post and called the police. If you truely knew anything at all about this type of Autism you would have seen the signs and called the police yourself, that is if you care about any body at all. I am not one to attck people, wait who am I kidding, yeas I am one to attack. I attack when people think they know everything and are so lacking in knowledge. THis is sad. Listen to Scott's post and learn. It may one day help you save a friend.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
HE'S BACK!!!!!!!!! Are you scared yet? heh heh :)
Yes friends and fans, he's back and better than ever! He's new and improved! He's got that little something extra! It's called the RIGHT medication, at least for now. Any change or meltdown and I've got people that will back me up and get me back on track. I would like to thank EVERYONE for their love, support, comments, and yes even criticism. I am thankful to everyone, even those who are trying to be mean or hurtful to this little boy trapped in a man's body. They make me think, make me try and fight harder, make me love and write longer. I don't hate those that don't understand or believe me or the autistic community. I just hope one day they can somewhat understand how INCREDIBLY difficult it is for ANYONE living with autism, ESPECIALLY THE CHILDREN, because they have absolutely no idea what they are suffering from, why the things that are happening to them ARE happening, or even what to do to cope with everything they are going through ESPECIALLY A SOCIETY THAT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THEM AND IS ONLY NOW BEGINNING TO PEEK THROUGH A DOOR THAT STILL HASN'T BEEN OPENED. We all need to come together as one autistic community, those that believe themselves or their children have been harmed intentionally by society and those who believe that this HORRIBLE AFFLICTION has been passed on by their ancestors. Regardless of how this has happened to anyone the world needs to understand SO much more about autism than what they do at the present moment and only together as ONE united autistic family can we achieve this goal. I've seen plenty of you that are intelligent and motivated, so I leave it up to you, as I can't handle too much stimuli or emotional drama without it causing severe harm to my well being. I am proposing that you all work together, use me as your tool, as your example, as an autistic oddity. I believe that I am the first person with autism to have SO much drive to be accepted and loved that I not only discovered my own family's genetic history of autism and have actually started to heal my family and provide my mother who is normal with a greater understanding of autism and how to cope and relate to it, but also the first one to have a PUBLIC AND EXTREMELY SEVERE fixation/meltdown on the Internet that still, just like my previous postings, can teach others about what we go through and how to deal with it. Lisa Brennan, now one of my dearest friends, learned from my example and writings about how I connected my sons autism and experiences to my own childhood issues, and thus discovered my family's genetic trail of autism. By learning from my example, she then related my downward spiraling writings, as a sign of deep depression and a desperate cry for help. She related my behavior to her own son's, saw the same signs, and did what any dear friend or loving family member would do, she called for help. Without a doubt in my mind, she saved my life. I was centimeters away from injecting myself with my daughters insulin, which no one would have known about until it was too late to save me. Lisa Brennan saved my life due to my inspirational writings! So in a weird paradoxical kind of way, I saved myself with my own writing? Man that's deep! WOW! There is no way I can ever repay this woman, but I am forever in her debt! So anyways, I've never heard of a meltdown being this documented and someone needs to contact the right people, or use your own equipment, what ever, to save as much of my facebook postings, along with my blog writings, and my emails, to document all of this and get it out to the media. I've said it before, I have no interest in money, I just want my kids to have a safe, happy, and loving life full of fun in what ever dreams they have. But yes, I would like to be famous so I can spread the word of autism and my experiences to the whole planet. Children are suffering from autism all over the world. I want to help them. Lately it has become my primary focus, my main goal. I don't want any of them to have to live the kind of life that I have, to suffer as much as I do, to be misunderstood as many times as I have, or to be abused a million times like I've lived. My message to you is the same my autistic brothers and sisters, SPREAD THE WORD. TELL MY TALE. GET MY MESSAGE OUT THERE AND LET'S BUST THIS WHOLE AUTISTIC ISSUE OUT INTO THE MAINSTREAM! ROCK ON PEOPLE! WE CAN DO THIS IF WE BUT ONLY TRY! I HAVE A DREAM. THAT EVERY PERSON, FAMILY, AND CHILD THAT HAS TO DEAL WITH THE ISSUE OF AUTISM GATHER ON A CERTAIN DAY AT A CERTAIN TIME IN WASHINGTON D.C. AND DEMAND THAT ACTION BE TAKEN TO HELP OUR AUTISTIC COMMUNITY. WE NEED HELP FOR ALL OF OUR CHILDREN ON THE EDUCATIONAL LEVEL. WE NEED HELP FOR EVERYONE THAT IS AUTISTIC REGARDLESS OF CLASSIFICATION FROM THE MEDICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL COMMUNITY. WE NEED FAIR TREATMENT FOR THOSE AUTISTIC INDIVIDUALS IN THE WORKING COMMUNITY WHO ARE BEING DISCRIMINATED AGAINST. THAT SHOULD BE OUR BATTLE CRY.....WE NEED HELP AND WE NEED IT NOW! THINK ABOUT IT. WE PAY OUR TAXES, AND YET EVERYDAY OURSELVES AND OUR CHILDREN SUFFER. PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND OR ACCEPT US. WE ARE CALLED BAD PARENTS AND OUR CHILDREN ARE BAD, UNDISCIPLINED, SPOILED ROTTEN KIDS. WE KNOW THAT THIS IS THE WRONG PERCEPTION OF THE AUTISTIC COMMUNITY. WE KNOW OUR KIDS ARE ANGELS AND DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT AND BETTER EDUCATION FROM OUR SCHOOLS. WE NEED TO ALL BAND TOGETHER AND SCREAM OUT THE WORDS OF THE GREAT MUSICIAN AND POET, MR. DEE SNIDER. WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT, ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!! ROCK ON YOU BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED AND LOVING AUTISTIC PEOPLE YOU. GET THE BALL ROLLING, GET THE PARTY STARTED, GET WHAT WE AND OUR CHILDREN DESERVE! OK, I'll stop screaming now that I've got you all pumped up. Spread the word people. I love you all. My prayers go out to each and every one of you and your families.Scott
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Finding the rock I've been desperately needing
Hello to all of my autistic brothers and sisters. First of all I would just like to say if you are reading this and my writings are helping you in any way, shape, or form, please find my blog on the networked blogs site and become a follower. I can only send out 16 invites each day and the more followers I have, the more encouraged to write I become. It really does make it easier to focus and open up my true feelings to you all if I am feeling encouragement and support. Keep the comments and emails coming, the help me more than you know. Don't feel discouraged if I don't reply to something you write, rest assured that I read EVERYTHING that anyone sends me, good or bad. Yes the bad does hurt me plenty, but it's something I need to learn to deal with. If you saw my status this morning, you know that I was going through a MAJOR anxiety attack mainly caused by my father. I love him, but he is so deep into his own Aspergian world that he only thinks about himself and my mom. It's something that I've dealt with my whole life, and I have my mom to help try and make him understand that his words can SERIOUSLY hurt me. I know that he listens to her a lot, so I hope he won't cause me pain in the future, but I'm not counting on it. Because of what happened this morning and him telling me that I was killing my mom, I am still suffering with anxiety, high blood pressure (yes my mom has a monitor to check), a HUGE migraine, and dizziness. I am better than I was earlier this morning, because I have found someone who can COMPLETELY relate to me and my problems. It's Lisa Brennan. I've never met her, but my autistic issues are 100% identical to her sons and I feel like she knows me better than I know myself. Charlie Losey will always be my life long best friend from childhood til forever, but he couldn't ever possibly understand autism because he does not suffer from it. Lisa and her WHOLE family does! I posted the note about someone calling to help me deal with my anxiety, and only one other person from my fb friends has my cell number, but she's in England and I don't get the impression that she's autistic, but I know she has at least one child that is. Lesley, I might need you sometime if I can't get a hold of Lisa, but I understand if you can't call because of me being overseas. Let me know sweetie :) Right now I am still shaky, my ears are ringing loudly, my stomach feels sick from all of the stress after just coming home from the hospital and trying to get my mother to understand how SERIOUS autism really is. I do believe after talking to her this morning, that she has a better understanding of what myself, my dad, and my children go through. I told her to keep her thoughts positive and not to let her friends send her into a state of depression. I know in my heart that she is not autistic, but she does suffer from depression and anxiety like many normal people do. I am slowly pulling my family together, and they do see that I have the intelligence to see my family's issues, and come up with ways to correct them. They are both listening to me for the first time in my life, and not treating me like the child I am in my head. She has a close friend, Connie, that has all of the best intentions and love for her, but feels that I am only hurting my mother with my autistic issues and it worries her. Connie, I would like you to know that I have nothing but love for my WHOLE family, and I don't want to harm them or cause them any unwanted stress or anxiety. I have Lisa Brennan to lean on when I have autistic issues that I can't deal with. I will no longer be talking to my mom about my autistic issues unless she requests it and then I will still be judging whether or not she can handle it. Please keep my moms thoughts and mood positive, as I still need her to be my real world rock, to deal with the school, shopping, or anything else that I feel I can't handle. I believe you have a wonderful and supportive family, and I will never try to come between yours and my mothers friendship. The other close friend my mother has is Angela Walker, who is married to my cousin. Angie, when you are positive and happy, you are a good friend to my mother. But you also have a negative side and you dwell on the past almost as much as I do. Again I know in my heart you are not autistic, but you do have issues. I don't mind you being friends and talking to my mother as long as you keep her in a positive mood and be supportive of her issues. She is a normal person dealing with a husband, a son, and two grandchildren suffering from autism and I know the strain of this is hard for her to handle. If I notice that you are talking to her too much about the past, or you are in any way talking negative about her family that she loves so dearly, or you are bringing her down in any way, shape, or form, I will have no choice but to cut off your phone and visiting privileges until such a time as I feel she is in the right state of mind to handle you. Her family needs her more than you could possibly ever know. If you discuss ANY of my online writings with her that could be harmful to her positive attitude, I will not only cut off visitation with her, I will also remove you from my facebook friends list. I don't want to argue with you or even upset you or cause you pain, but I have discussed this with both of my parents this morning and they are in COMPLETE agreement. My mom requested that I tell you that she no longer hears ANY kind of negative comments about ANY member of her family. She still does desire to be your friend deeply and she does love you. But if you fight ME on any of this, I will have no choice but to get a restraining order against you as you can be VERY harmful to MY family. Keep everything positive with my family and you will get no interference from me. I sincerely hope you can accomplish this goal. Write it down if you have to that you will only be positive with my family and we're cool. Got it? Now for the rest of you lovely people, I appreciate all of the love and support you have for me and my family. If you EVER see anything out of the ordinary with me, if my mood seems different or scares you, please try to talk to ME first about it. If I am not responding to you, or my reply seems negative, PLEASE do your best to contact Lisa Brennan. Again she understands me completely and can help me tremendously. If I feel myself being different or hurting in any way, I, myself am going to try to contact her. She IS my rock and closest autistic friend in the world. Anything you don't want to discuss with me because you feel it might harm me in some way, please address to her. I am sorry to report that due to my extreme stress, anxiety, and meltdown, I have become dependant on cigarettes once again. I was a non-smoker for at least 5 months and plan on becoming one again soon. Right now though, I really do need them to help with the stress. In time and with peace, I know I will achieve that goal again. I am very strong willed when I set my mind to something. I am still alcohol free due to my liver problems, which have gotten a little better since I quit drinking about 5 months ago. I am also for the most part marijuana free unless someone happens to bring it around, which hasn't happened in quite awhile, but I can't buy it as I have far too much fear of getting hurt in anyway from the dangerous business of buying from someone. But I can say 100% that it is a huge help to people suffering from mental disorders and I wish they would legalize it for medical purposes. With the ocular hypertension I also suffer from (bright lights cause me huge migraines because the pressure in my eyes is always higher than a normal persons and it is basically the early stages of glaucoma) I know that I would qualify for medical marijuana. If anyone is pursuing the legalization of this for medical purposes, you have my support 200%. I thank each and every one of you for your love, support, and understanding and I know that if you've read this far you can see that the new medication is helping me a lot. Again, if you haven't, I encourage you to become a follower of my blog to give me support. I love you all and as always, thanks for being my friend!Scott
posted by ScottCrawley at 8:20 AM
It sounds to me that the writing may be helping in some ways but then you ramble on about other people and it seems to me that you are controlling your mother and her friends but you cant control your own feelings and emotions and life in general. If your father has the same problems as you do how can you blame him for things he says when it doesnt look like you care about what you say to other people. It seems as though you have very understanding parents to have put up with all of the things you are going through and to help you with your children so to me you should be concentrating on you and not them or what they are doing. Be thankful that you have parents like that because most people dont.
September 10, 2009 10:42 PM
Lisa Brennan said...
THis is to Anonymous. First I am not trying to condemn you in any way. Second People with autism can't help how they feel. They donot control anyone, however, they are very ritualistic. They are not AS stressed of everything remains the same. They live my schedules and routine. So saying that, for you to say Scott is trying to control his parents shows you know little and have learned little from Scott's post. You might want to also readsome of John Elder Robinson's post on Facebook. He too suffers from Asperger's. I have a son who suffers from Asperger's. People with Autism can't deal with change. THe real world does not accept people with autism but they need this acceptance. I am fighting the school right now for my son. THey just do not seem to get it even though they say they do. THey do not understand the a color, a sound, a smell, a wierd look, or a simple joke could send people with any form of autism in a tailspin and more times that once they start a downward spiral there is no turning back...they are head to the hopsital with a major breakdown. Autism is caused by a mutated chromososme. This makes the brain in an infant and toddler grow faster than it should which makes cells go to wrong places in the brain. This causes them to see everything different than normal people. This also causes health problems fom acid reflux (which could cause cancer) to immune disorders, migraines, asthma, major allergies, major depression, major anxiety disorder (to the point they are unable to leave the house for any reason), OCD, opposiional defiant disorder, and may other problems. THe biggest problem in the medical community is that,since all forms of Autism are caused by a mutated chomosone, these people are not being properly treated. As of now most have to sek treatment at a mental health clinic or a private psychiatrist. THey are at the mercy of the system when they should be treated by a neurologist. I ask you from this point to learn and listen. Research autism and asperger's and every form of autism there is. Learn as much as you can learn. THen stand up for them and more so stand up for the childern. Also I would like to ask why you hide who you are? Why can't you let us know who you are? What are you scared of? It would seem to me that you may have some issues that need to be adress by a meantal health professinal.
September 11, 2009 7:45 AM
Anonymous, my first reply to you is, I can't help but to ramble sometimes it is part of my Aspergian issues and it's just who I am. Sorry. Next, I am not trying to control anyone, I had a long TALK with both of my parents and they agreed that this was the right course to go to try and help HEAL our family. My mother did not agree with how my writing to Angie seemed rude and provoking, but Angie is the type of person who 100% speaks her mind and thinks She is always right. She always tells my mom that she wishes my brother was dead, he used to be married to her and they had a kid together. But this is my moms child and I know it hurts her to hear someone say that. She is always talking bad about me, My moms siblings, my dad, and others to my mom. My mom HATES swearing totally and it bothers her when people don't show enough respect to no use those words when they are talking to her. Angie doesn't care. She has always said anything she wants without showing my mom respect and that hurts her. I can't control my own feelings or my oddities. It is part of my Aspergers. I love my father even though my whole life he has NEVER returned that love and is very selfish only thinking of his own feelings and desires. Since I've been back with my parents they both help to spend the money that is supposed to be for me and my children. My dad eats our food if it is something he likes. But if I touch anything of his he goes through the roof. When I write my postings and even things on facebook I am CONSTANTLY scared that I am going to hurt someone. But I feel being completely open and honest gives the world a better understanding of me and I wish more people could be like that. And I do make mistakes just like everyone on the planet. I care deeply about what I say to others and I'm only trying to help the world understand autism better. Yes I do have a VERY loving and understanding mother. She's never been able to relate or understand the serious condition I have but she's always been there for me. My father is not the least bit understanding unless you're refering to his wants and desires. Anyone tha knows me or associates with me has to put up with me. Hey, so do you to a certain extent if you're reading my writings. My parents are old and they would be the first to tell you that the only one to EVER take care of these kids is me and that I'm the best Father in the world. I do receive help from time to time, but my mother has said she couldn't handle it on her own and she is very proud of me. I hope I have given you a better understanding of me and my family. Yes, if I am hospitalized my mom can take over the responsibilities of the kids. She is VERY strong. But even though I was born with bad knees, had four surgeries on them and need a fifth, I am still the type to bathe my kids even though it causes me great knee pain and they've even given out on my and I've fallen in the tub scraping, soaking, and bruising myself up. I picked myself back up and continued to bathe. It's my job. I am strong even though my body is falling apart on me day by day. I will never quit, and don't you ever try to say I'm a bad parent again!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Unintentionally causing fear and hurting myself with my writings
Hello world. Again if your reading this I would appreciate you going to the networkedblogs website and becoming a follower of my blogs. It gives me more support than you know. I read a comment on my Facebook page about one of my blog postings this morning and it upset me so I've decided to share it with you, plus my response so that more people can learn better understanding. Thanks, and I love you all!HE'S BACK!!!!!!!!! Are you scared yet? heh heh :)Yes friends and fans, he's back and better than ever! He's new and improved! He's got that little something extra! It's called the RIGHT medication, at least for now. Any change or meltdown and I've got people that will back ...me up and get me back on track. I would like to thank EVERYONE for their...Yesterday at 1:43am · Comment · Like / Unlike · Share it · Tweet it · Follow blogScott CrawleyAnyone dealing with autism in any way, shape or form must read this post. It is an absolute necessity! I love you all :)Yesterday at 1:44am · DeleteParker HorneThis is kind of scary!!! I have been reading your blogs and some of it is very interesting but a lot of it makes me wonder if they should of let you out. No offense but its kind of scary to think that your meds could go wrong again and this time something terrible could happen, Your Daughter is beautiful I'm sorry to hear about all the problems ... Read Moreyour children are having and the school stuff isnt just with autistic children its with all children. I dont think the schools give a hoot about our children all they care about is their paychecks. My son has adhd and the school cant even handle that.Yesterday at 10:35pmScott CrawleyParker, rest assured that I am scared about another meltdown too, but rest assured when I wrote this post, I was in the right frame of mind. Right now the meds they've got me on are working and I am feeling better. I do need an anti-anxiety med and I have requested it from the psychs. I don't want to scare or harm ANYONE. My whole life the only person I've tried to be mean to is ME. I care so much about other peoples feelings that it hurts me severely when I cause them any kind of emotional distress. But again with this posting I was just trying to get people in the autistic community fired up to get our community noticed and get more taken care of because Aspergers/Autism is a VERY serious condition and more normal people need to be aware that we not only need help from the doctors, psychs, and schools, but normal society also needs to know how bad they can hurt us and send us spiraling down into depression, anxiety, and even suicidal tendencies. We need to be handled with kid gloves, we need to be treated with extra compassion, caring, and love. No one that suffers from autism asked to be the way we are and we all have an incredibly deep longing to be normal and to be accepted. The sad truth is we are never going to be and at the end of the day it is still us alone in our own minds trying to get a grasp on and understand not only normal peoples reactions to us, but the mistakes that we've made trying to relate to them socially. I apologize if I scared you or harmed you in any way. This is not my intention, it is just part of my Aspergers. This last time I was in the hospital I was glad to be there. I knew that I HAD to be there, and I was just centimeters away from ending my own life with my daughters insulin. I want to be on the meds. I desire all of the help and support, and acceptance from anyone that I feel I deserve just like any other human being does. And yes I agree, the schools aren't doing enough for any children, normal or otherwise, but you have to understand that at least down here in Louisiana their attitude is that these special kids need to be mainstreamed and that will help them become a normal person. These kids will NEVER be normal. They will ALWAYS, be the way they are just like I have always been an Aspergian. I learned for the most part how to fit in and be accepted even if I was hiding in a corner in a room full of people. I did the best I could but I've always had these issues to deal with and no matter what kind of progress I made in school or how many friends/acquaintances I had, it never fixed my autism. The schools down here have no people trained to deal with autistic kids and their meltdowns. They don't even realize how harmful a meltdown is to the kid that is having it. I am still suffering from all kinds of fears and emotions and PAIN from my last meltdown. I am INCREDIBLY embarrassed, withdrawn, full of fear and anxiety, I feel like a freak, I have MILLIONS of thoughts running through my head about why I am the way I am, about how many people I affected and hurt with my writings, about how they perceive me, and many many others. Again with this particular post I was just trying to get the action started that I feel the autistic community NEEDS to happen to cause a change, to open the worlds eyes, and to finally gain some acceptance and understanding. Your friend alwaysScott
posted by ScottCrawley at 12:01 PM
Scott, you can't let idiots like Parker get you down. He has NO concept of what aspies and auties go through.. he has no compassion and I feel for his child. something terrible could happen to his kid with or without meds..he should encourage you and compliment you on TRYINg to be more outgoing and dealing with all the issues you have to deal with. I am the mother to twin sons 20 yrs old with aspergers.. ADHD would be a cakewalk compared to aspergers and autism.. Hang in there, continue to GROW and educate the public about your struggles and accomplishments. God Bless you and Keep you, Scott. brush the negative comments off your shoulders like dandruff..
Saturday, September 12, 2009I received an email from a supposed Parker horn and as I read it I knew it was either the Angela Walker that I refered to in an earlier posting or her husband Randy who is my cousin. Enjoy
Parker Horne September 11 at 11:37pm
Scott, I am sorry that I offended you that was not my intention. I am reading all about autism from you and others and your material you post. I think it is a terrible disease and I do agree that people should be aware of it. All I was trying to get across to you that you are getting your opinion out in a way that is pretty scary to those of us that are just learning of this terrible tragedy. If you are aloud to have an opionion why isn't anyone else aloud to have an opinion? I just dont think bashing people is the way to get your opinion across. If you bash people and dont try to understand other human beings than how are others suppose to try and understand your opinion. Everybody in this world are dealing with all sort of problems weather it be money, jobs loss, health ect.. I think kidness of others even those that you may not like will get you farther than cruelty. Sometimes maybe you take things the wrong way just like others may take what you said the wrong way. We all should be good to one another because the good bible says treat people the way you want to be treated. Bashing people will come and bite you in the rear. Again I did not mean to hurt your feelings in any way and I hope you except my apologies. Also remember that if your father suffers from the same disease then maybe you ought to cut him a break once in awhile. Just as you say you can't help the way you are then maybe he can't help the way he is. Again I am truly sorry. Parker
Scott Crawley September 11 at 9:58pm
Parker, I appreciate your appology and I accept it fully. My intention with my writings is not to bash anyone or harm anyone. I am simply speaking with an open mind and heart about my experiences and at the time I wrote that post my life was having that event happening and I was writing about how I'm trying to heal my Autistic family and help my normal mother stay out of a depressive state that might put her in the hospital. Every word I wrote is 100% true and the only one that should take offense is the one who I'm talking about and not you. You seem a little too involved in this and it is my opinion that you and the person who made the anonymous comment both know me and my family and are hurt by what I have said even though it's the truth. If a person can't handle another person telling them that they're doing something wrong then they shouldn't read my writings. This is the United States we live in and I am protected by freedom of speech and freedom of the press. I love my father dearly, but again he should accept the fact that I have my opinions of him and if he can't handle what I say then he should not read my postings. I went through more years of abuse with him than you will ever know or even understand and yet I still love and admire him. I think that statement would make him feel proud. I suggest that if you can't handle what I'm saying without sending me back negative comments under a false psudonym then you should no longer read my posts. Again thank you for the Appology Angie and yes I am trying to give my father more compassion and understanding as he is Aspergian. I hope you will do the same for my mother and stop telling her things that she don't need hear or put her in a depressive mood because she does suffer from depression and anxiety. Grow up a little and be positive or I am getting a restraining order against you for trying to harm my family with your constant negativity and harrassment. Thank you for your time!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
When your heart is filled with love
You can fly so high
You can touch the sky & stars above
With a relaxing sigh
When there's no love in your heart
you feel so down and low
like your whole world's been torn apart
pain is all that you know
When your friends are all around
joy and happiness are here
fun and laughter are all brand new
your soul knows no fear
When your sad and all alone
you don't want to exist
Emptiness and loneliness have grown
It's the good times that you miss
Written by Scott Crawley..........Posted by Pauline Crawley
Monday, September 14, 2009Crawley and texted to Lisa Brennan
Posted by Lisa Brennan. Thanks again to Angela Walker for this hassle!
The first text I received from Scott reads as follows:
I can't take my dad's shit tonight. I'm headed to Bourbon Street to blow off some steam, sing and take pics of the freaks! Rock on!
I asked him to be careful and to not drink and he said he would. I'm not sure if he meant being careful, not drinking or both. We all know how out of control Scott can get LOL.
His next text was:
The French Quarter in New Orleans feels like an old friend to me. This part of the city is always pulsating with life, no matter what day or time you're here. The streets are full of interesting and often weird or even scary people, but the party atmosphere in the air is, I'm sure, like it was back in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah. The air tingles with electricity, and the people are ready to rock! He asked me to share his text's with his facebook friends because he knows they enjoy his writings.
His next texting reads:
I'm at the dungeon now. The atmosphere is dark and the music heavy. This place has all the mystery, intrigue, and danger in the air of the vampire bars you might see on tv or in the movies. The walls are a blood red brick and plastered with all kinds of scary, medieval, and twisted decore. Sadly, I'm not allowed to take pics inside. This is, without a doubt, my favorite French Quarter destination. Rock on people, you know I am!!
OMG Lisa, I just noticed a pic on the wall that I would love to have. It's a painting of a robed skeleton, with a full moon rising behind him, as he sits smoking a joint on a hill, flipping me the bird!! LOL! Rock On!
I was also singing at Bourbon Cowboy earlier, and I will be posting video. I know the sound quality will suck but who cares eh?
next text, which by the way he was sending to me, Deborah, and Dawn, his kid's mother:
Lisa, Deb, I ran into a typical a.s. moment. The security guard here at the dungeon, who btw is wearing skulls and stars, made me delete the pics I was taking. I complied and, in my typical autistic way, approached him nervously to ask if I could keep the pic I had on my camera of the sign out front of the bar. He rolled his eyes at me and proceeded to talk down to me like I was stupid and said, " I already told you no pics INSIDE! " Ah, isn't a.s. and n.t. conversation wonderful! They'll never understand us! No offense to my Baby Mama!
next text, man Scott can make me feel like a secretary LOL:
I'm now at the Cat's Meow, another Karaoke bar. The entertainers in these singing party bars have an awesome job. They get to sing, act a fool, and even be smartassed and they get paid for it! Rock On! In between their antics, drunk people attempt to sing. With the entertainers being female tonight, I'm hearing the word pussy alot! LOL, women rock! I'm gonna sing now. Rock On!
another text, he never shuts up! LOL:
Lisa, I have seriously come to the conclusion after forty years, that alcohol makes every woman horny! It just makes men worse than normal! LOL! I'm having fun being around all of these crazy, drunk, singers and sinners. I wouldn't even post half of what I've seen and heard! But I am blushing! LOL.
a more serious text:
Here I sit, people all around me drinking, singing, and dancing. There's hardly an expression on my face. I'm just sitting and watching the n.t.'s have a ball while my party is going on inside my head. And none of these maniac's have the slightest inclination that I'm a.s. or how easy a conversation with them could cause me harm, or even suicide! That's why we withdraw and protect ourselves from others. Their actions or words can cause great harm to our minds. And they haven't a clue of our condition. Rock On!
Well, it's almost 2 am now, and although Bourbon Street never closes, it's quieter now. Most have gone elsewhere to do what they will. The sound of music spilling from the various bars and the scantily clad women around here lift my spirit as I walk back to my vehicle alone. But I did raise Autism awareness tonight, with a microphone, on a stage, to a bar full of n.t.'s. I told them all about autism and my Aspergers. Hopefully, at least one will get it and try to find out more. Maybe they have a friend or family member who is affected and seeing me tonight will make them want to learn more about us. I am both satisfied and scared as I walk the streets of the quarter, alone.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009Tristyn's first year of life and Dawn had left the three of us like scared little orphans. Abused, mistreated, alone. I was doing my best to take on the responsibilities of being a single parent. I can't quite describe in words how this feeling came across me, but I told my mother for the first time in my life I felt like I had been touched by God. As with my whole life, she looked at me with skepticism and doubt. I've told her my whole life, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that, accomplishing many of my goals, but with no praise or love from her, just the usual criticism of you should do this or that, try it this way or that way, etc. I have had three, supposed autistic meltdowns and each time God has been more in my heart and I feel inside like he is healing my mind and soul. I don't know about the body part. So here the three of us are living alone and scared, and everything just started becoming easy for me. It was little or no effort to do my daily routines even with the pain in my knees. God was guiding me and loving me and telling me it would all be ok. I love my Lord in Heaven Above more than anything in this world right now, I'm being a loving and caring soul, and yet the world still tries to harm me and lock me away and shoot me up with more poison for my mind. They can NEVER, no matter how hard they try, take God's love away from me and when I'm gone from this earth I will reside with him in Heaven Above. I love you all you crazy little human beings you. Remember, I'm the lunatic. Don't go to my wall. Don't scroll down as far as you can and read up. Don't see the truth that the world is being poisoned in many ways and we're all suffering right now and need his salvation and you are doomed. See the pattern. Receive God's message of love in your heart. In God's name I pray this. I love you all, God bless! Rock On!!!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009movin, and cleanin, and fixing this kid this and changin that and tryin to teach one this and one that, I'm sure all you mum's out there know what I'm sayin'. But the point is, it was all TOO easy for this to just be me. I was receiving help from above. However, everyday I still continued to plummet into depressions deep pit of despair. I had another girlfriend that got with me after Dawn returned to Michigan. She met me through Dawn, waited a few months to make sure she wasn't coming back, and then proceeded to use me in order to get out of her grandma's house and have someone take care of her. This went on for four years until I was broke with two broke down vehicles, and then she leaves me to go back to her grandma's and ex-high school sweetheart. I shouldn't have expected much more than this, I could see it in the very beginning and still let myself fall for her anyways. The not wanting to believe what I knew came from an autistic persons deep feeling of FEAR of being alone. The reason why she, and family and friends of hers, used me is the same answer again that we'll get too in a bit. So I fall farther into depression, taking care of myself less and less everyday, still taking care of the kids fine, but the drinking increased from after Dawn left a twelve pack of beer a day to two twelves a day plus hard liquor. I was smoking green as often as I could get it and just as bad as the cigarettes. I went 13 days without eating, dropped from 150 pounds to 125, my clothes were falling off me, I was sicker than a dog. My mom finally called the cops and had me put away for the first time. By this time I was in frantic communication with her about Armageddon being here and me being an angel, the end was coming, you get the idea, you've seen more of this. So that was breakdown, or meltdown if you prefer, #1. I could tell you Lot's more but on to the point, the answer to how people react to me and use me or leave me was NEGATIVITY. I was depressed and I was projecting negativity out of the world inside my head into everyone Else's heads. They reacted to it in different ways but their reactions back at me were NEGATIVE. On my road to recovery here, I have been keeping a positive attitude and it does show. I get more positive reactions back. People respond Positive to Love and Happiness from another person. Because we all are in our own little worlds, like the movie "The Matrix". I don't know if any of you see the same Purple that I see, but I think it's beautiful. That's the point, we think everyone is in OUR world, but really they've all got their own. So now the only thing people really react to me in a negative way is my religious views. My mom still thinks I should be locked up for thinking that I am a light being, call it extra-terrestrial or angel, but I believe it in my soul. I believe God still does talk to me through a variety of ways, and he's shown me the path to recovery. If I was someone else that the world felt sorry for and they said god helped them, everyone would think, " That's so wonderful!" But with Scott it just, "He's not right! He needs to go back to the hospital. He needs more and more and even more medication until he's a zombie and no good to anyone." I see how much better I've become and how much more my eyes have been open to the truth and most people just ignore me. But in my own insane opinion which doesn't count for anything, I think the world is going to change, not end, on Dec 21 2012. I think there are thousands of light beings like myself on this planet RIGHT NOW. They are being awakened in every way possible for what is to come. They, myself included, will have lots of work in the years to come. When you study religion the highest you ever go is the word GOD. Science tries to explore every aspect they can, but they are limited by an outside force. Who? God of course. But why does nobody think YES there can be a GOD, he is ABOVE us in space, So WHY can't God be an extra-terrestrial? And if you think about it, he is. He's not from Terra. And if there is one e.t., doesn't it make sense that there are MANY. How do you know that your life isn't all inside your head like the Matrix, or like on Wall-E your strapped in a chair with a video screen in front of you communicating with others but never REALLY leaving your chair or even LIVING. Best line of the movie is when the captain says, I don't want to survive, I want to LIVE! What if they are all around us right now, watching, testing, looking for those who love the most and are ready for the next stage of evolution. Think about it. If you've read this far I've got your attention. I am being guided everyday from above and my life is PERFECT now. I can let the negativity of any situation just wash away and keep my mood positive. I meditate, have become clairvoyant to a certain extent, I am evolving everyday right in front of your eyes. Read my posts from the beginning and tell me I'm wrong. So, think about my words, try to keep YOUR world positive and watch the change. Teach your kids not to fear, along with yourselves. It really can open up a better world. Without fear your Angeltistic little ones will learn, improve, and be more out going and happy. Teach them that there is a battle between God and Satan going on inside of their heads, as it is yours. Negativity, Fear, Anger, Sadness, the dark side are they. They WILL darken your families lives. Let those feelings wash away and keep the LOVE, compassion, joy, and tenderness in your hearts and who knows, Maybe God will talk to YOU too. I love you all, God bless you and yours.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009tv or radio and you can pick them out. You'll hear his inspired love in songs. Think about God singing that song to you instead of a man to a woman or vice-versa. You'll get it. Maybe you'll start seeing signs as I do and realize there is a greater force up there in the stars trying to help the human being evolve into a light being. Or, continue to think I'm crazy and go on with your slave-like existence working for the almighty dollar. I know what I must do. Do you?
Saturday, October 3, 2009any one's life until it's over. But everything I've wrote from the beginning has been the belief, truth, and feelings in my thoughts and soul. The title of my blog space is Confessions of an Aspergian, which is exactly what it means. A look into the mind of someone with Aspergers Syndrome. When I started writing, my goal was the same as it is today. To educate people with my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs on life and hope that they can learn from my experiences, and become more aware of Autism and how serious it is. Personally I feel proud to be among your ranks. I feel proud to be one of the first among the whole human race to evolve into a higher being. I feel proud to learn from you as you learn from me. I feel proud calling you, my friends. All my love to you and yours :)
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Rapture of the Christian Church
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Understanding Bible Prophecy
The "Catching Away" of the Saints
March 23, 2009
"Behold, I come quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the sayings of the prophecy of this book" (Revelation 22:7 KJV)
- Beam Me Up! -
Everybody familiar with the "Star Trek" series is certainly familiar with the preceding sentence. Whenever Captain Kirk was in trouble, or needed to get somewhere in a hurry, the Star Trek crew would rev up the Enterprise's Transporter Device. Instantly the Captain and crew (including an "insignificant" extra crew member who usually met with an untimely death!) would dematerialize and suddenly materialize elsewhere. There isn't anybody who has ever been caught in a rush-hour traffic jam who wouldn't give a month's pay for such a device.
What may not be common knowledge is that the Bible speaks of this exact event. This event is known as the Rapture. The Rapture is described in several passages in the Bible and a major Rapture event is on the horizon. And in one instance, a famous Biblical character is transported from the desert to a major city instantaneously!
Surprise! The word "Rapture" isn't found in the Bible! But the event known as "The Rapture" is clearly there. You might also be surprised to learn that "Holy Trinity" isn't found in the Scriptures either; but no one doubts Their existence (the Father, Son and Holy Spirit). Let's examine the Scriptural basis for the Rapture.
Kept Out of That Hour - Revelation 3:10 (NKJV)
Have you ever seen a sign that reads "Keep Out!" posted? Sometimes it's there to protect you from danger. In this passage from Revelation Jesus is speaking to the Faithful Church at Philadelphia in Asia Minor. To be "kept from the hour of trial" means literally to be "out of that hour of testing" which shall come upon the whole Earth. Since this was a) written 1900+ years ago and b) all the members of the Church at Philadelphia are dead and c) the whole world has not experienced testing from God in one brief episode of time since then, we can conclude that this is a future event foretold. Existing churches at that time were used as models by God to represent the stages of the Christian Church down through history:
10 Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the Hour of Trial which shall come upon the whole world, to test those who dwell on the Earth.
The First Rapture - He Was Not - Genesis 5:21-24 (NASB)
We've got a missing man! According to the Book of Genesis, Enoch was 65 years old when he became the father of Methuselah, the longest-living man in the Bible. During the next 300 years Enoch had other sons and daughters (300 years of child rearing!). And so, Enoch lived a year's worth of years: 365 years (though Biblical years are often 360-day years). History's first demonstrated Rapture event occurs as God takes Enoch directly to Heaven. One moment he's dwelling on Earth and in the blink of an eye he's translated to Heaven:
21 Enoch lived sixty-five years, and became the father of Methuselah.
22 Then Enoch walked with God three hundred years after he became the father of Methuselah, and he had other sons and daughters.
23 So all the days of Enoch were three hundred and sixty-five years.
24 Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him.
The First Rapture - He Did Not Die - Hebrews 11:5 (NASB)
Not convinced that Genesis 5:24 demonstrates the Rapture of a living human being? Well, perhaps we'd better offer more proof, eh? And what better place for more Rapture proof than the New Testament?:
5 By Faith Enoch was taken up so that he would not see death; AND HE WAS NOT FOUND BECAUSE GOD TOOK HIM UP; for he obtained the witness that before his being taken up he was pleasing to God.
The Second Rapture - Chariots of Fire - 2nd Kings 2:1-12 (NASB)
Rapture number 2 is found in the Book of 2nd Kings as the premier prophet of God has finished his Earthly ministry and is turning over his office to his protégé Elisha. Elijah, in his wisdom, knows that Elisha's Faith will be tremendously strengthened by witnessing the taking of Elijah from Earth to Heaven right before his eyes:
1 AND it came about when the LORD was about to take up Elijah by a whirlwind to Heaven, that Elijah went with Elisha from Gilgal.
2 Elijah said to Elisha, "Stay here please, for the LORD has sent me as far as Bethel". But Elisha said, "As the LORD lives and as you yourself live, I will not leave you." So they went down to Bethel.
3 Then the sons of the prophets who were at Bethel came out to Elisha and said to him, "Do you know that the LORD will take away your master from over you today?" And he said, "Yes, I know; be still".
4 Elijah said to him, "Elisha, please stay here, for the LORD has sent me to Jericho". But he said, "As the LORD lives, and as you yourself live, I will not leave you". So they came to Jericho.
5 The sons of the prophets who were at Jericho approached Elisha and said to him, "Do you know that the LORD will take away your master from over you today?" And he answered, "Yes, I know; be still".
6 Then Elijah said to him, "Please stay here, for the LORD has sent me to the Jordan". And he said, "As the LORD lives, and as you yourself live, I will not leave you". So the two of them went on.
7 Now fifty men of the sons of the prophets went and stood opposite them at a distance, while the two of them stood by the Jordan.
8 Elijah took his mantle and folded it together and struck the waters, and they were divided here and there, so that the two of them crossed over on dry ground.
9 When they had crossed over, Elijah said to Elisha, "Ask what I shall do for you before I am taken from you". And Elisha said, "Please, let a double portion of your spirit be upon me".
10 He said, "You have asked a hard thing. Nevertheless, if you see me when I am taken from you, it shall be so for you; but if not, it shall not be so."
11 As they were going along and talking, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire and horses of fire which separated the two of them. And Elijah went up by a whirlwind to Heaven.
12 Elisha saw it and cried out, "My father, my father, the chariots of Israel and its horsemen!" And he saw Elijah no more ...
Snatched Away - Acts of the Apostles 8:26-40 (KJV)
There are several startling aspects to this passage of Scripture. First, an Angel of the Lord speaks directly to one of the early Apostles. The Angel tells Philip to head for the desert, apparently by conventional methods, most likely by walking. The Angel of the Lord knows that an Ethiopian is ready to receive the Gospel and needs someone (a believer) to share with him. When Philip sees the chariot and hears the man reading from Isaiah 53:7-8 (reading aloud was a common practice in those days to benefit the widely uneducated) the Angel of the Lord tells him to catch up with the chariot. When he does, Philip inquires of the Ethiopian if he comprehends the prophecy. After inviting Philip to enter the chariot and explain the prophecy concerning the vicarious Sacrifice of Christ, the Ethiopian then asks Philip to baptize him into the Body of Christ at a nearby body of water. Notice that although the Ethiopian believed in God, to receive the Gospel he had to believe with all his heart that Jesus Christ was the unique, Incarnate Son of the Living God (the Salvation "line of demarcation" according to 1st John 4:1-3).
So where is the Rapture event? In an often-overlooked passage, verses 39-40, Philip is supernaturally removed from the desert and materializes at the city of Azotus where he continues preaching the Gospel in several cities. In verse 39, we find the Greek word "harpazo" translated in the King James Version as "caught away". "Harpazo" means "to seize upon suddenly, with force" and is translated as "caught up" in 1st Thessalonians 4:17 where the Rapture joins believers, both dead and alive with the Lord in the blink of an eye. Thus, the first Rapture of the New Testament (after Christ that is! - Mark 16:19 KJV) is a SURPRISE, even to an Apostle!
26 And the angel of the Lord spake unto Philip, saying, "Arise, and go toward the south unto the way that goeth down from Jerusalem unto Gaza, which is desert."
27 And he arose and went: and, behold, a man of Ethiopia, an eunuch of great authority under Candace queen of the Ethiopians, who had the charge of all her treasure, and had come to Jerusalem for to worship,
28 Was returning, and sitting in his chariot read Esaias (Isaiah) the prophet.
29 Then the (Holy) Spirit said unto Philip, "Go near, and join thyself to this chariot."
30 And Philip ran thither to him, and heard him read the prophet Esaias (Isaiah), and said, "Understandest thou what thou readest?"
31 And he said, "How can I, except some man should guide me?" And he desired Philip that he would come up and sit with him.
32 The place of the Scripture which he read was this, He was led as a Sheep to the slaughter; and like a Lamb dumb before His shearer, so opened He not His mouth:
33 In His humiliation His judgment was taken away: and who shall declare His generation? for His life is taken from the Earth.
34 And the eunuch answered Philip, and said, "I pray thee, of Whom speaketh the prophet this? of himself, or of some other Man?"
35 Then Philip opened his mouth, and began at the same Scripture, and preached unto him Jesus.
36 And as they went on their way, they came unto a certain water: and the eunuch said, "See, here is water; what doth hinder me to be baptized?"
37 And Philip said, "If thou believest with all thine heart, thou mayest." And he answered and said, "I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God."
38 And he commanded the chariot to stand still: and they went down both into the water, both Philip and the eunuch; and he baptized him.
39 And when they were come up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord caught away Philip, that the eunuch saw him no more: and he went on his way rejoicing.
40 But Philip was found at Azotus: and passing through he preached in all the cities, till he came to Caesarea.
The Rapture - We Will Not All Die - 1st Corinthians 15:50-54 (NASB)
In this passage, the Apostle Paul describes the transformation of the believer into the Heavenly Kingdom of God. A perishable, mortal human body cannot enter the Kingdom, therefore believers will be given new bodies that are imperishable and immortal. Paul reveals a mystery: every believer will not die but some will be translated into the Kingdom of God in the blink of an eye. During the Rapture, living Christians will enter the Kingdom directly without experiencing death! Paul uses the term "sleep" which is Greek idiom or a metaphor for physical death. But when a believer, either dead or alive is changed, they are immortal for eternity:
50 Now I say this, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God; nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable.
51 Behold, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed,
52 in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.
53 For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality.
54 But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality ...
The Rapture - Christians Taken Alive - 1st Thessalonians 4:13-18 (NASB)
The Apostle Paul again uses the idiom for physical death, this time clearly explaining that those Christians who have experienced physical death will be resurrected by Christ. Here again we see the Rapture in the 17th verse, which is the Greek word "harpazo" translated into English as "caught up":
13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope.
14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.
15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep.
16 For the Lord Himself will descend from Heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.
17 Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.
18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.
He Ascended to Heaven - Revelation 12:5 (NASB)
The Greek word "harpazo" is again translated into English as "caught up" in Revelation 12:5. Here it is used to describe the Ascension of Christ into Heaven; a demonstrated rapture event:
5 And she gave birth to a Son, a Male Child, Who is to rule all the nations with a Rod of Iron;
and her Child was caught up to God and to His throne.
There He Goes - Luke 24:49-53 (NASB)
In the Gospel According to Luke, Jesus tells the Disciples to await the Holy Spirit of God, Whom Jesus would send unto them after He ascended to God the Father's right hand. The Disciples are ordered to stay in the city of Jerusalem until the Spirit comes upon them. In the city of Bethany, Jesus blesses His Disciples and Ascends into the Kingdom of God on high. His Rapture is found in verse 51:
49 "And behold, I am sending forth the promise of My Father upon you; but you are to stay in the city until you are clothed with power from on high."
50 And He led them out as far as Bethany, and He lifted up His hands and blessed them.
51 While He was blessing them, He parted from them and was carried up into Heaven.
52 And they, after worshiping Him, returned to Jerusalem with great joy,
53 and were continually in the temple praising God.
He'll Be Back - Acts of the Apostles 1:6-11 (NASB)
The Ascension of Christ into Heaven is described in the first chapter of Acts; a book written by the same author of the Gospel According to Luke. The Apostle Luke is classically known as a medical doctor having particular attention to detail. As expected, this short passage contains a great deal of information.
First the Disciples asked Jesus if Israel would soon be restored as His Kingdom. Jesus had other plans which included the birth of the Gentile Church and evangelizing the world. Therefore, Jesus told them that the appointed times ("times") and how much time would pass ("epochs") were a mystery of God the Father and known only to Him. Though signs are visible, the exact day and hour is not known.
The demonstrated Rapture event in this passage occurs in verse 9 immediately after Jesus reaffirms the Great Commission. Suddenly two angels, which always appear as men in the Bible, inform the Disciples that the visible, Second Coming of Christ will occur in a like manner, albeit reversed:
6 So when they had come together, they were asking Him, saying, "Lord, is it at this time You are restoring the Kingdom to Israel?"
7 He said to them, "It is not for you to know times or epochs which the Father has fixed by His own authority;
8 but you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be My witnesses both in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and even to the remotest part of the Earth."
9 And after He had said these things, He was lifted up while they were looking on, and a cloud received Him out of their sight.
10 And as they were gazing intently into the sky while He was going, behold, two men in white clothing stood beside them.
11 They also said, "Men of Galilee, why do you stand looking into the sky? This Jesus, Who has been taken up from you into Heaven, will come in just the same way as you have watched Him go into Heaven."
Two Witnesses Raptured - Up With a Shout - Revelation 11:11-12 (KJV)
In Revelation Chapter 11 we discover another demonstrated rapture event as God resurrects the Two Witnesses and then takes them directly into Heaven in plain view of the world:
11 But after the three and a half days, the breath of life from God came into them, and they stood on their feet; and great fear fell upon those who were watching them.
12 And they heard a loud voice from Heaven saying to them, "Come up here", Then they went up into Heaven in the cloud, and their enemies watched them.
Come Up Here - Revelation 4:1 (NASB)
In Revelation Chapter 4 we see yet another demonstrated rapture event as the Apostle John is called up into Heaven to view the events of the future. This event was much like the Apostle Paul's 2nd Corinthians journey:
1 AFTER these things I looked, and behold, a door standing open in Heaven, and the first voice which I had heard, like the sound of a trumpet speaking with me, said, "Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after these things."
Sneak Preview - 2nd Corinthians 12:2-4 (NASB)
In 2nd Corinthians, "harpazo" is once again translated into English as "caught up" describing the bodily or spiritual rapture of the Apostle Paul into Heaven. The First Heaven is the sky above the Earth. The Second Heaven includes that which is known as outer space. The Third Heaven is the dwelling place of Almighty God:
2 I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago -- whether in the body I do not know, or out of the body I do not know, God knows -- such a man was caught up to the Third Heaven.
3 And I know how such a man -- whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, God knows --
4 was caught up into Paradise and heard inexpressible words, which a man is not permitted to speak.
The Rapture - Surprise! - Luke 17:26-36 (NASB)
Jesus speaks about the Rapture in the Gospel according to Luke. Though He speaks of two destructive events, the important focus is that believers are removed by God before the REALLY tough times happen on Earth; i.e. prior to God's wrath being poured out. Regarding Sodom and Gomorrah, the destruction happens after Lot departs from Sodom. The Rapture is seen in verses 34-36 which also demonstrates that the event will happen simultaneously in each of the three major time zones on the Earth. Working in the field is done in the Morning (36), grinding is done in the Afternoon (35) and sleeping, of course, occurs at Night (34):
26 And just as it happened in the days of Noah, so it will be also in the days of the Son of Man:
27 they were eating, they were drinking, they were marrying, they were being given in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark, and the flood came and destroyed them all.
28 It was the same as happened in the days of Lot: they were eating, they were drinking, they were buying, they were selling, they were planting, they were building;
29 but on the day that Lot went out from Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from Heaven and destroyed them all.
30 It will be just the same on the day that the Son of Man is revealed.
31 On that day, the one who is on the housetop and whose goods are in the house must not go down to take them out; and likewise the one who is in the field must not turn back.
32 Remember Lot's wife.
33 Whoever seeks to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.
34 I tell you, on that night there will be two in one bed; one will be taken and the other will be left.
35 There will be two women grinding at the same place; one will be taken and the other will be left.
36 Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other will be left.
The Rapture - They Were Preoccupied - Matthew 24:37-44 (NASB)
Jesus speaks again about the Rapture in the Gospel according to Matthew. Here, He speaks again of the destructive worldwide flood. However, the important focus in this passage is that most of the world is busy with their "normal" daily lives. Therefore they did not comprehend what was coming and it took them completely by surprise, despite Noah's preaching. The Rapture is seen in verses 40-41 but only two time zones are referenced here. The Greek word "parousia" is translated here as "coming". However, the last part of this passage absolutely states that the Rapture will be a SURPRISE and occurs on an average, boring day, when even Christians think not:
37 For the coming of the Son of Man will be just like the days of Noah.
38 For as in those days before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered the ark,
39 and they did not understand until the flood came and took them all away; so will the coming of the Son of Man be.
40 Then there will be two men in the field; one will be taken and one will be left.
41 Two women will be grinding at the mill; one will be taken and one will be left.
42 Therefore be on the alert, for you do not know which day your Lord is coming.
43 But be sure of this, that if the head of the house had known at what time of the night the Thief was coming, he would have been on the alert and would not have allowed his house to be broken into.
44 For this reason you also must be ready; for the Son of Man is coming at an hour when you do not think He will.
Escape All These Things - Luke 21:34-36 (KJV)
For nearly 2,000 years, Christians have been eagerly awaiting the Return of Jesus Christ to Earth. This anticipation has inspired fervent evangelism and steadfastness in trials and tribulations. Jesus admonished Christians to not become so preoccupied with the cares of this life that they become unfruitful. Jesus promised that the Faithful will be accounted worthy to ESCAPE the terrible things that will come upon the Earth in the Last Days. Some ridicule "escapism", yet Jesus taught it Himself:
34 And TAKE HEED to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting, and drunkenness, and CARES OF THIS LIFE, and so THAT DAY COME UPON YOU UNAWARES.
35 For as a SNARE SHALL IT COME on ALL THEM that dwell on the face of the WHOLE EARTH.
36 WATCH YE THEREFORE, and PRAY ALWAYS, that ye may be ACCOUNTED WORTHY to ESCAPE ALL THESE THINGS that SHALL COME to pass, and to stand before the Son of Man.
What Happens to Those Who are Left Behind?
Though many will be converted to the Gospel during the Tribulation Period (Revelation 20:4) it will be the most difficult time ever seen on the Earth. The fifth and final earthly kingdom of Daniel's prophecy will arise and be led by the man known as the Antichrist (false messiah), and he will be assisted by the False Prophet (false witness) and they will cause people to worship a False Deity (false god) which is called the "image of the beast". It will also be the time of conversion of the Nation of Israel to the Gospel of Christ (Romans 11:25-29)."Watch therefore, for ye know neither the Day nor the Hour wherein the Son of Man Cometh" (Matthew 25:1-13 KJV
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