Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Slowly on the way back up! :)
Hello everyone, I love you all. All of my love for you and yours. If you hadn't noticed lately, again I have changed. Some people don't know how to take it and I've even lost some friends because of this change, but I feel, deep inside my soul that I am beating my autism for the first time in my life. Being thrown in a sanitarium twice, part of me thinks I'm off my rocker too :) But my whole life has taken a turn for the better, in my eyes, I'm doing more than just taking care of the kids now, I'm helping out around here with the yard duties, some of the cooking, even errand running. I can leave the house now completely without fear because I just let it fall off my shoulders as if it were rain. From the time Dawn left us alone due to my part, not being able to take the violence anymore and being a brave soul by letting her go, I've been on a rocky upward battle of fighting the increasing depressive state I was slowly slipping in to. The whole time I was screaming for help from anyone that was near me either in life or text or online, whatever, the point is that every person I encountered was either scared off, put off, pissed off, or just wanted to take advantage of me in some way. I kept trying and trying to gain friendships only to end up pushing everyone away with my eccentricities. I couldn't figure out why? I didn't know what I was doing wrong? We'll get to the answer in a bit. During the ever increasing depressive state I was falling into, for the first time in my life, I FELT LIKE I WAS TOUCHED BY GOD! In an instant, things around the house started becoming easier. My knees didn't hurt me and I was movin, and cleanin, and fixing this kid this and changin that and tryin to teach one this and one that, I'm sure all you mum's out there know what I'm sayin'. But the point is, it was all TOO easy for this to just be me. I was receiving help from above. However, everyday I still continued to plummet into depressions deep pit of despair. I had another girlfriend that got with me after Dawn returned to Michigan. She met me through Dawn, waited a few months to make sure she wasn't coming back, and then proceeded to use me in order to get out of her grandma's house and have someone take care of her. This went on for four years until I was broke with two broke down vehicles, and then she leaves me to go back to her grandma's and ex-high school sweetheart. I shouldn't have expected much more than this, I could see it in the very beginning and still let myself fall for her anyways. The not wanting to believe what I knew came from an autistic persons deep feeling of FEAR of being alone. The reason why she, and family and friends of hers, used me is the same answer again that we'll get too in a bit. So I fall farther into depression, taking care of myself less and less everyday, still taking care of the kids fine, but the drinking increased from after Dawn left a twelve pack of beer a day to two twelves a day plus hard liquor. I was smoking green as often as I could get it and just as bad as the cigarettes. I went 13 days without eating, dropped from 150 pounds to 125, my clothes were falling off me, I was sicker than a dog. My mom finally called the cops and had me put away for the first time. By this time I was in frantic communication with her about Armageddon being here and me being an angel, the end was coming, you get the idea, you've seen more of this. So that was breakdown, or meltdown if you prefer, #1. I could tell you Lot's more but on to the point, the answer to how people react to me and use me or leave me was NEGATIVITY. I was depressed and I was projecting negativity out of the world inside my head into everyone Else's heads. They reacted to it in different ways but their reactions back at me were NEGATIVE. On my road to recovery here, I have been keeping a positive attitude and it does show. I get more positive reactions back. People respond Positive to Love and Happiness from another person. Because we all are in our own little worlds, like the movie "The Matrix". I don't know if any of you see the same Purple that I see, but I think it's beautiful. That's the point, we think everyone is in OUR world, but really they've all got their own. So now the only thing people really react to me in a negative way is my religious views. My mom still thinks I should be locked up for thinking that I am a light being, call it extra-terrestrial or angel, but I believe it in my soul. I believe God still does talk to me through a variety of ways, and he's shown me the path to recovery. If I was someone else that the world felt sorry for and they said god helped them, everyone would think, " That's so wonderful!" But with Scott it just, "He's not right! He needs to go back to the hospital. He needs more and more and even more medication until he's a zombie and no good to anyone." I see how much better I've become and how much more my eyes have been open to the truth and most people just ignore me. But in my own insane opinion which doesn't count for anything, I think the world is going to change, not end, on Dec 21 2012. I think there are thousands of light beings like myself on this planet RIGHT NOW. They are being awakened in every way possible for what is to come. They, myself included, will have lots of work in the years to come. When you study religion the highest you ever go is the word GOD. Science tries to explore every aspect they can, but they are limited by an outside force. Who? God of course. But why does nobody think YES there can be a GOD, he is ABOVE us in space, So WHY can't God be an extra-terrestrial? And if you think about it, he is. He's not from Terra. And if there is one e.t., doesn't it make sense that there are MANY. How do you know that your life isn't all inside your head like the Matrix, or like on Wall-E your strapped in a chair with a video screen in front of you communicating with others but never REALLY leaving your chair or even LIVING. Best line of the movie is when the captain says, I don't want to survive, I want to LIVE! What if they are all around us right now, watching, testing, looking for those who love the most and are ready for the next stage of evolution. Think about it. If you've read this far I've got your attention. I am being guided everyday from above and my life is PERFECT now. I can let the negativity of any situation just wash away and keep my mood positive. I meditate, have become clairvoyant to a certain extent, I am evolving everyday right in front of your eyes. Read my posts from the beginning and tell me I'm wrong. So, think about my words, try to keep YOUR world positive and watch the change. Teach your kids not to fear, along with yourselves. It really can open up a better world. Without fear your Angeltistic little ones will learn, improve, and be more out going and happy. Teach them that there is a battle between God and Satan going on inside of their heads, as it is yours. Negativity, Fear, Anger, Sadness, the dark side are they. They WILL darken your families lives. Let those feelings wash away and keep the LOVE, compassion, joy, and tenderness in your hearts and who knows, Maybe God will talk to YOU too. I love you all, God bless you and yours.