Hello to all of my autistic brothers and sisters. First of all I would just like to say if you are reading this and my writings are helping you in any way, shape, or form, please find my blog on the networked blogs site and become a follower. I can only send out 16 invites each day and the more followers I have, the more encouraged to write I become. It really does make it easier to focus and open up my true feelings to you all if I am feeling encouragement and support. Keep the comments and emails coming, the help me more than you know. Don't feel discouraged if I don't reply to something you write, rest assured that I read EVERYTHING that anyone sends me, good or bad. Yes the bad does hurt me plenty, but it's something I need to learn to deal with. If you saw my status this morning, you know that I was going through a MAJOR anxiety attack mainly caused by my father. I love him, but he is so deep into his own Aspergian world that he only thinks about himself and my mom. It's something that I've dealt with my whole life, and I have my mom to help try and make him understand that his words can SERIOUSLY hurt me. I know that he listens to her a lot, so I hope he won't cause me pain in the future, but I'm not counting on it. Because of what happened this morning and him telling me that I was killing my mom, I am still suffering with anxiety, high blood pressure (yes my mom has a monitor to check), a HUGE migraine, and dizziness. I am better than I was earlier this morning, because I have found someone who can COMPLETELY relate to me and my problems. It's Lisa Brennan. I've never met her, but my autistic issues are 100% identical to her sons and I feel like she knows me better than I know myself. Charlie Losey will always be my life long best friend from childhood til forever, but he couldn't ever possibly understand autism because he does not suffer from it. Lisa and her WHOLE family does! I posted the note about someone calling to help me deal with my anxiety, and only one other person from my fb friends has my cell number, but she's in England and I don't get the impression that she's autistic, but I know she has at least one child that is. Lesley, I might need you sometime if I can't get a hold of Lisa, but I understand if you can't call because of me being overseas. Let me know sweetie :) Right now I am still shaky, my ears are ringing loudly, my stomach feels sick from all of the stress after just coming home from the hospital and trying to get my mother to understand how SERIOUS autism really is. I do believe after talking to her this morning, that she has a better understanding of what myself, my dad, and my children go through. I told her to keep her thoughts positive and not to let her friends send her into a state of depression. I know in my heart that she is not autistic, but she does suffer from depression and anxiety like many normal people do. I am slowly pulling my family together, and they do see that I have the intelligence to see my family's issues, and come up with ways to correct them. They are both listening to me for the first time in my life, and not treating me like the child I am in my head. She has a close friend, Connie, that has all of the best intentions and love for her, but feels that I am only hurting my mother with my autistic issues and it worries her. Connie, I would like you to know that I have nothing but love for my WHOLE family, and I don't want to harm them or cause them any unwanted stress or anxiety. I have Lisa Brennan to lean on when I have autistic issues that I can't deal with. I will no longer be talking to my mom about my autistic issues unless she requests it and then I will still be judging whether or not she can handle it. Please keep my moms thoughts and mood positive, as I still need her to be my real world rock, to deal with the school, shopping, or anything else that I feel I can't handle. I believe you have a wonderful and supportive family, and I will never try to come between yours and my mothers friendship. The other close friend my mother has is Angela Walker, who is married to my cousin. Angie, when you are positive and happy, you are a good friend to my mother. But you also have a negative side and you dwell on the past almost as much as I do. Again I know in my heart you are not autistic, but you do have issues. I don't mind you being friends and talking to my mother as long as you keep her in a positive mood and be supportive of her issues. She is a normal person dealing with a husband, a son, and two grandchildren suffering from autism and I know the strain of this is hard for her to handle. If I notice that you are talking to her too much about the past, or you are in any way talking negative about her family that she loves so dearly, or you are bringing her down in any way, shape, or form, I will have no choice but to cut off your phone and visiting privileges until such a time as I feel she is in the right state of mind to handle you. Her family needs her more than you could possibly ever know. If you discuss ANY of my online writings with her that could be harmful to her positive attitude, I will not only cut off visitation with her, I will also remove you from my facebook friends list. I don't want to argue with you or even upset you or cause you pain, but I have discussed this with both of my parents this morning and they are in COMPLETE agreement. My mom requested that I tell you that she no longer hears ANY kind of negative comments about ANY member of her family. She still does desire to be your friend deeply and she does love you. But if you fight ME on any of this, I will have no choice but to get a restraining order against you as you can be VERY harmful to MY family. Keep everything positive with my family and you will get no interference from me. I sincerely hope you can accomplish this goal. Write it down if you have to that you will only be positive with my family and we're cool. Got it? Now for the rest of you lovely people, I appreciate all of the love and support you have for me and my family. If you EVER see anything out of the ordinary with me, if my mood seems different or scares you, please try to talk to ME first about it. If I am not responding to you, or my reply seems negative, PLEASE do your best to contact Lisa Brennan. Again she understands me completely and can help me tremendously. If I feel myself being different or hurting in any way, I, myself am going to try to contact her. She IS my rock and closest autistic friend in the world. Anything you don't want to discuss with me because you feel it might harm me in some way, please address to her. I am sorry to report that due to my extreme stress, anxiety, and meltdown, I have become dependant on cigarettes once again. I was a non-smoker for at least 5 months and plan on becoming one again soon. Right now though, I really do need them to help with the stress. In time and with peace, I know I will achieve that goal again. I am very strong willed when I set my mind to something. I am still alcohol free due to my liver problems, which have gotten a little better since I quit drinking about 5 months ago. I am also for the most part marijuana free unless someone happens to bring it around, which hasn't happened in quite awhile, but I can't buy it as I have far too much fear of getting hurt in anyway from the dangerous business of buying from someone. But I can say 100% that it is a huge help to people suffering from mental disorders and I wish they would legalize it for medical purposes. With the ocular hypertension I also suffer from (bright lights cause me huge migraines because the pressure in my eyes is always higher than a normal persons and it is basically the early stages of glaucoma) I know that I would qualify for medical marijuana. If anyone is pursuing the legalization of this for medical purposes, you have my support 200%. I thank each and every one of you for your love, support, and understanding and I know that if you've read this far you can see that the new medication is helping me a lot. Again, if you haven't, I encourage you to become a follower of my blog to give me support. I love you all and as always, thanks for being my friend!