Hello to all of my autistic brothers and sisters. First of all I would just like to say if you are reading this and my writings are helping you in any way, shape, or form, please find my blog on the networked blogs site and become a follower. I can only send out 16 invites each day and the more followers I have, the more encouraged to write I become. It really does make it easier to focus and open up my true feelings to you all if I am feeling encouragement and support. Keep the comments and emails coming, the help me more than you know. Don't feel discouraged if I don't reply to something you write, rest assured that I read EVERYTHING that anyone sends me, good or bad. Yes the bad does hurt me plenty, but it's something I need to learn to deal with. If you saw my status this morning, you know that I was going through a MAJOR anxiety attack mainly caused by my father. I love him, but he is so deep into his own Aspergian world that he only thinks about himself and my mom. It's something that I've dealt with my whole life, and I have my mom to help try and make him understand that his words can SERIOUSLY hurt me. I know that he listens to her a lot, so I hope he won't cause me pain in the future, but I'm not counting on it. Because of what happened this morning and him telling me that I was killing my mom, I am still suffering with anxiety, high blood pressure (yes my mom has a monitor to check), a HUGE migraine, and dizziness. I am better than I was earlier this morning, because I have found someone who can COMPLETELY relate to me and my problems. It's Lisa Brennan. I've never met her, but my autistic issues are 100% identical to her sons and I feel like she knows me better than I know myself. Charlie Losey will always be my life long best friend from childhood til forever, but he couldn't ever possibly understand autism because he does not suffer from it. Lisa and her WHOLE family does! I posted the note about someone calling to help me deal with my anxiety, and only one other person from my fb friends has my cell number, but she's in England and I don't get the impression that she's autistic, but I know she has at least one child that is. Lesley, I might need you sometime if I can't get a hold of Lisa, but I understand if you can't call because of me being overseas. Let me know sweetie :) Right now I am still shaky, my ears are ringing loudly, my stomach feels sick from all of the stress after just coming home from the hospital and trying to get my mother to understand how SERIOUS autism really is. I do believe after talking to her this morning, that she has a better understanding of what myself, my dad, and my children go through. I told her to keep her thoughts positive and not to let her friends send her into a state of depression. I know in my heart that she is not autistic, but she does suffer from depression and anxiety like many normal people do. I am slowly pulling my family together, and they do see that I have the intelligence to see my family's issues, and come up with ways to correct them. They are both listening to me for the first time in my life, and not treating me like the child I am in my head. She has a close friend, Connie, that has all of the best intentions and love for her, but feels that I am only hurting my mother with my autistic issues and it worries her. Connie, I would like you to know that I have nothing but love for my WHOLE family, and I don't want to harm them or cause them any unwanted stress or anxiety. I have Lisa Brennan to lean on when I have autistic issues that I can't deal with. I will no longer be talking to my mom about my autistic issues unless she requests it and then I will still be judging whether or not she can handle it. Please keep my moms thoughts and mood positive, as I still need her to be my real world rock, to deal with the school, shopping, or anything else that I feel I can't handle. I believe you have a wonderful and supportive family, and I will never try to come between yours and my mothers friendship. The other close friend my mother has is Angela Walker, who is married to my cousin. Angie, when you are positive and happy, you are a good friend to my mother. But you also have a negative side and you dwell on the past almost as much as I do. Again I know in my heart you are not autistic, but you do have issues. I don't mind you being friends and talking to my mother as long as you keep her in a positive mood and be supportive of her issues. She is a normal person dealing with a husband, a son, and two grandchildren suffering from autism and I know the strain of this is hard for her to handle. If I notice that you are talking to her too much about the past, or you are in any way talking negative about her family that she loves so dearly, or you are bringing her down in any way, shape, or form, I will have no choice but to cut off your phone and visiting privileges until such a time as I feel she is in the right state of mind to handle you. Her family needs her more than you could possibly ever know. If you discuss ANY of my online writings with her that could be harmful to her positive attitude, I will not only cut off visitation with her, I will also remove you from my facebook friends list. I don't want to argue with you or even upset you or cause you pain, but I have discussed this with both of my parents this morning and they are in COMPLETE agreement. My mom requested that I tell you that she no longer hears ANY kind of negative comments about ANY member of her family. She still does desire to be your friend deeply and she does love you. But if you fight ME on any of this, I will have no choice but to get a restraining order against you as you can be VERY harmful to MY family. Keep everything positive with my family and you will get no interference from me. I sincerely hope you can accomplish this goal. Write it down if you have to that you will only be positive with my family and we're cool. Got it? Now for the rest of you lovely people, I appreciate all of the love and support you have for me and my family. If you EVER see anything out of the ordinary with me, if my mood seems different or scares you, please try to talk to ME first about it. If I am not responding to you, or my reply seems negative, PLEASE do your best to contact Lisa Brennan. Again she understands me completely and can help me tremendously. If I feel myself being different or hurting in any way, I, myself am going to try to contact her. She IS my rock and closest autistic friend in the world. Anything you don't want to discuss with me because you feel it might harm me in some way, please address to her. I am sorry to report that due to my extreme stress, anxiety, and meltdown, I have become dependant on cigarettes once again. I was a non-smoker for at least 5 months and plan on becoming one again soon. Right now though, I really do need them to help with the stress. In time and with peace, I know I will achieve that goal again. I am very strong willed when I set my mind to something. I am still alcohol free due to my liver problems, which have gotten a little better since I quit drinking about 5 months ago. I am also for the most part marijuana free unless someone happens to bring it around, which hasn't happened in quite awhile, but I can't buy it as I have far too much fear of getting hurt in anyway from the dangerous business of buying from someone. But I can say 100% that it is a huge help to people suffering from mental disorders and I wish they would legalize it for medical purposes. With the ocular hypertension I also suffer from (bright lights cause me huge migraines because the pressure in my eyes is always higher than a normal persons and it is basically the early stages of glaucoma) I know that I would qualify for medical marijuana. If anyone is pursuing the legalization of this for medical purposes, you have my support 200%. I thank each and every one of you for your love, support, and understanding and I know that if you've read this far you can see that the new medication is helping me a lot. Again, if you haven't, I encourage you to become a follower of my blog to give me support. I love you all and as always, thanks for being my friend!
Scott
God's Love Shines down on us all
I Love You All, Blessed Be
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It sounds to me that the writing may be helping in some ways but then you ramble on about other people and it seems to me that you are controlling your mother and her friends but you cant control your own feelings and emotions and life in general. If your father has the same problems as you do how can you blame him for things he says when it doesnt look like you care about what you say to other people. It seems as though you have very understanding parents to have put up with all of the things you are going through and to help you with your children so to me you should be concentrating on you and not them or what they are doing. Be thankful that you have parents like that because most people dont.
ReplyDeleteTHis is to Anonymous. First I am not trying to condemn you in any way. Second People with autism can't help how they feel. They donot control anyone, however, they are very ritualistic. They are not AS stressed of everything remains the same. They live my schedules and routine. So saying that, for you to say Scott is trying to control his parents shows you know little and have learned little from Scott's post. You might want to also readsome of John Elder Robinson's post on Facebook. He too suffers from Asperger's. I have a son who suffers from Asperger's. People with Autism can't deal with change. THe real world does not accept people with autism but they need this acceptance. I am fighting the school right now for my son. THey just do not seem to get it even though they say they do. THey do not understand the a color, a sound, a smell, a wierd look, or a simple joke could send people with any form of autism in a tailspin and more times that once they start a downward spiral there is no turning back...they are head to the hopsital with a major breakdown. Autism is caused by a mutated chromososme. This makes the brain in an infant and toddler grow faster than it should which makes cells go to wrong places in the brain. This causes them to see everything different than normal people. This also causes health problems fom acid reflux (which could cause cancer) to immune disorders, migraines, asthma, major allergies, major depression, major anxiety disorder (to the point they are unable to leave the house for any reason), OCD, opposiional defiant disorder, and may other problems. THe biggest problem in the medical community is that,since all forms of Autism are caused by a mutated chomosone, these people are not being properly treated. As of now most have to sek treatment at a mental health clinic or a private psychiatrist. THey are at the mercy of the system when they should be treated by a neurologist. I ask you from this point to learn and listen. Research autism and asperger's and every form of autism there is. Learn as much as you can learn. THen stand up for them and more so stand up for the childern. Also I would like to ask why you hide who you are? Why can't you let us know who you are? What are you scared of? It would seem to me that you may have some issues that need to be adress by a meantal health professinal.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, my first reply to you is, I can't help but to ramble sometimes it is part of my Aspergian issues and it's just who I am. Sorry. Next, I am not trying to control anyone, I had a long TALK with both of my parents and they agreed that this was the right course to go to try and help HEAL our family. My mother did not agree with how my writing to Angie seemed rude and provoking, but Angie is the type of person who 100% speaks her mind and thinks She is always right. She always tells my mom that she wishes my brother was dead, he used to be married to her and they had a kid together. But this is my moms child and I know it hurts her to hear someone say that. She is always talking bad about me, My moms siblings, my dad, and others to my mom. My mom HATES swearing totally and it bothers her when people don't show enough respect to no use those words when they are talking to her. Angie doesn't care. She has always said anything she wants without showing my mom respect and that hurts her. I can't control my own feelings or my oddities. It is part of my Aspergers. I love my father even though my whole life he has NEVER returned that love and is very selfish only thinking of his own feelings and desires. Since I've been back with my parents they both help to spend the money that is supposed to be for me and my children. My dad eats our food if it is something he likes. But if I touch anything of his he goes through the roof. When I write my postings and even things on facebook I am CONSTANTLY scared that I am going to hurt someone. But I feel being completely open and honest gives the world a better understanding of me and I wish more people could be like that. And I do make mistakes just like everyone on the planet. I care deeply about what I say to others and I'm only trying to help the world understand autism better. Yes I do have a VERY loving and understanding mother. She's never been able to relate or understand the serious condition I have but she's always been there for me. My father is not the least bit understanding unless you're refering to his wants and desires. Anyone tha knows me or associates with me has to put up with me. Hey, so do you to a certain extent if you're reading my writings. My parents are old and they would be the first to tell you that the only one to EVER take care of these kids is me and that I'm the best Father in the world. I do receive help from time to time, but my mother has said she couldn't handle it on her own and she is very proud of me. I hope I have given you a better understanding of me and my family. Yes, if I am hospitalized my mom can take over the responsibilities of the kids. She is VERY strong. But even though I was born with bad knees, had four surgeries on them and need a fifth, I am still the type to bathe my kids even though it causes me great knee pain and they've even given out on my and I've fallen in the tub scraping, soaking, and bruising myself up. I picked myself back up and continued to bathe. It's my job. I am strong even though my body is falling apart on me day by day. I will never quit, and don't you ever try to say I'm a bad parent again!
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