Not knowing what to say or do

Hello my friends. I hope Christmas was a good one for you, and my prayers go out to all for a better year in 2010. I am writing this blog with no clear thoughts in my mind, no direction, or even idea of what I want to say, I only know that I need to write to express feelings deep within my soul. I've had this problem lately, even chatting to people online seems to be a chore. The only thing I've felt as of late is a vast loneliness and no real clue on how to convey this to others, or how to cure it. I feel trapped again. As before, I find it hard to go out of my home even for the simplest tasks, and many times in my mind I'm crying out to be released from this life. My thoughts are not suicidal, however, more like just wishing the end would come soon or something will change to make things better. I'm still on my medication and still going to my psych appointments, but even then it's like I can't express my feelings to them anymore, they ask me how things are and I tell them things are fine. I know they're not, but I don't know how to explain how I feel to them just as I'm having a hard time explaining it to you. I can write these words out, but they still show the confusion I have in my head. I ask myself daily why it is so hard for me to live, just live as others do with ease? I wish I could come up with an answer, instead of more questions. I often wonder if all Aspergians go through what I am, if they look at others and ask themselves why it's so easy for some to go through this life and so hard for them. I don't know. I just know lately I wake up looking forward to bed time and I go to bed praying for a release from my turmoil. Again, I don't know if this is helping anyone with their autistic issues, but I hope so. All my love to you and yours. Blessed Be and Happy New Year my friends