Duality of my oneness

Inside my teardrop there's a smile. Butterflies fill my empty soul. The pain in my heart tickles me. Loneliness makes me laugh. I walk through shadows as I lie in the sun. The man in me loves the woman I am. I laugh out loud as I cry in vain. My screams are only a whisper. I hold myself while you push me away. I can't hold on and I can't let go. The heat rushes over me while I shiver. In confusion I see it all too clear. I stumble as I dance in perfect harmony. I crumble while I stand strong. Dreaming of happiness I feel so sad. Bending in the wind my branches break. Loving so much and hating myself. I drown as I breathe the air. Inside my teardrop there's a smile :)

Not knowing what to say or do

Hello my friends. I hope Christmas was a good one for you, and my prayers go out to all for a better year in 2010. I am writing this blog with no clear thoughts in my mind, no direction, or even idea of what I want to say, I only know that I need to write to express feelings deep within my soul. I've had this problem lately, even chatting to people online seems to be a chore. The only thing I've felt as of late is a vast loneliness and no real clue on how to convey this to others, or how to cure it. I feel trapped again. As before, I find it hard to go out of my home even for the simplest tasks, and many times in my mind I'm crying out to be released from this life. My thoughts are not suicidal, however, more like just wishing the end would come soon or something will change to make things better. I'm still on my medication and still going to my psych appointments, but even then it's like I can't express my feelings to them anymore, they ask me how things are and I tell them things are fine. I know they're not, but I don't know how to explain how I feel to them just as I'm having a hard time explaining it to you. I can write these words out, but they still show the confusion I have in my head. I ask myself daily why it is so hard for me to live, just live as others do with ease? I wish I could come up with an answer, instead of more questions. I often wonder if all Aspergians go through what I am, if they look at others and ask themselves why it's so easy for some to go through this life and so hard for them. I don't know. I just know lately I wake up looking forward to bed time and I go to bed praying for a release from my turmoil. Again, I don't know if this is helping anyone with their autistic issues, but I hope so. All my love to you and yours. Blessed Be and Happy New Year my friends

Dazed and Confuzed

Hello my friends. All my love to you and your families. I have felt lost as of late. A little depressed but I'm doing my best to keep my thoughts positive. I am so happy to have the online friends I have on facebook otherwise I'd have none. I tried to use myspace to find friends in my area to hang out with in real life, but to no avail. Even online socialization skills are a problem for me. People on facebook have accepted me no matter how bizzare I seem or the things I say. People on myspace won't give me the time of day. I'm still going to my mental health appointments and I'm still on my medication. I feel that it does help, but there is nothing out there that can help with the feeling of being alone. For awhile I felt really connected to the creator above and felt like I had a purpose in life, but now no matter how hard I try, I feel disconnected. I don't feel like the whole thing was in my mind, I have seen too much evidence that I was receiving help from above. So now I feel my lack of effort to stay off the beer and cigarettes has caused this disconnected feeling. With my computer down until the new hard drive arrives, I don't have as much time to talk to people that seem to care about me online. I don't know. I feel very alone at this moment in time but still look forward to better days when we can all just live together, love one another, and share. That's what we're taught by our parents, to share with each other. But when money takes over our lives we all become very selfish. I wish money and this whole system of things would just disappear. It is so hard being autistic emotional wise. I can handle the lack of coordination, or other physical aspects, but being over-emotional sucks. The other day I saw my son Tony break down into tears over a game of solitare. Certain things on the tv will still make Tristyn break down into tears, including seeing a cartoon character cry, which happened on Ni ho Kai Lan the other day. I feel very sad for them as they are going to have to deal with these amplified emotions, taking on other peoples emotions, not understanding, etc all of their lives as I have. But to you, my online friends, I wish to say that I am glad to have you and glad that you accept me for who I am. Have a great day! Blessed Be